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Day 5 emotions unearthed
The urges are minimal, I did feel a lil' sick over the past few days. Though, it was nothing major. I'm feeling tired and my body aches, but I'm used to this. It will pass as the days progress. I've been playing guitar and drawing alot in my free time. Just experimenting with different things to maybe open some doors. Just really pushing myself...I want to make a better life for me. I'm doing good at my job. but sometimes I still feel like a leaf that is blown about by the wind...I don't like to compare myself to others. But a friend of mine is doing quite well at a younger age than myself, student teaching and so forth. So I feel a bit lost in comparison. (I've always felt lost and there are reasons for that aren't worth going into) College didn't work out for me as the major wasn't aligned with my personality and the school wasn't enthusiastic about providing tutoring throughout the week...I don't know what exactly I want to do with my life, so I'm just experimenting and seeing what happens...I try not to focus on it too much. But it still f**ks with my head from time to time. I do see some positive things in life, they just don't stand out as much as the negative. (that's pretty sick) I feel things went by too fast, with having a kid and all. Its like I moved too fast to structure my life...still feeling lonely. Which makes me think I might die alone (single) or some stupid idea like that. But enough of my pessimism. On a positive note, I've become more outgoing after going out with a friend over the past few weeks. I'm more determined to make changes in my life, to get things done. I called my old college to see if I can get re-enrolled for an online class. The lady I spoke with said that there might be a way to get me setup for online classes. I only need this one class and then I get my degree. I didn't know I was this depressed I really feel like crying right now. And I'm one of those people who can't cry...gotta get ready for work.
- ineedstrength's blog
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Comments
The mood swings
suck. I'm sorry.
It sounds like you're doing all the right things. It just takes time for the brain to come back into balance. Make the most of the good days, and expect a bad one now and then.
Have you tried daily meditation? Excercise? The hypno script? Sometimes these indirect soothers can really make a difference over time. Visit the wiki for ideas like those.
*big hug*
Thanks Marnia
I really need to take time for meditation. I do however practice martial arts. Right now I'm starting off day 7. Over the past few days I've had women tell me that I smell good. I had a friend from work tell me I always smell good, and sniffed me closely, almost too close for comfort lol j/k. And oddly today at work, she made the comment that she was online and wanted someone to cuddle with her. And so some random guy replied, saying he was me. Well after talking to him and seeing his picture she knew better. Its weird because I had a dream last night about what she told me and I dreamed about wanting her as a cuddle buddy Lol. How crazy is that? I've noticed that I've become a bit more cocky and outgoing lately. Urges are minimal, I'm just really sick of porn in general. I remember watching youtube and hearing about an actor's daughter who wanted to do porn. And then I stumble upon another video about a female actor. And she also wanted to do porn. I'm just disgusted with the idea of a person degrading themselves. The fact that I was repulsed truly shocked me. Because, I had watched porn so many times in the past that I didn't care about that. Over the past couple nights I've had few pornographic dreams. Its like my brain is trying to get me to watch porn. Yet porn can not replace the physical feelings of another. Porn isn't enough to satisfy one's loneliness. You can't cuddle with it, you can't kiss it. You can't do anything other than destroy yourself with it. With porn I feel cheated. It offers nothing, it may guarantee a life of loneliness and that's what motivates me to avoid it like the plague. I actually do want to have a healthy relationship with a woman in the future. To have that means that porn can not be a part of my life. Sure, some friends would think I'm weird for not watching porn but they probably don't have a problem with it like me. I never knew I was addicted until I tried to stop. I knew that I had a problem. Enough about porn, lately I've been obsessed with guitar, art and martial arts. I want to learn another martial arts style so that I can be a mixed martial artist. Alot of times I practice tae kwon do with oriental meditation music. It helps me regain focus and it calms my mind. Music and art both seem to just flow and I surprise myself.