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Fighting the Good Fight
Ok, I'm posting a few entries that I've been keeping for myself. My thoughts have been so crazy the past couple of days that I didn't want to "go public."
Actually, now that I look back, I'm finding them somewhat amusing. The goal originally was to go two weeks without P/M/O. P&M are under control. O is an entirely different matter.
Here is where I have been:
Day 2 - my strategy for this go round is have contact, but limited. No sexual touching whatsoever, let’s just make it through the weekend and see where things go from there. I'm hoping that the work over the past month and a half have helped so that the withdrawal symptoms will be much less severe. I'm also hoping I have learned some lessons that will make the withdrawal symptoms less severe and increase my chances for success. Hope springs eternal!
Day 3 - Nancy and I won’t be seeing much of each other for the next three days. Schedules are crazy and we will be like two ships passing in the night. I’m hoping that the lack of physical contact actually helps, so I don’t have little dopamine spikes that make the withdrawal as bad. I’m confident that this will be fine.
Day 4 - No problem, smooth sailing.
Day 5 - Hmm, something is up. A bit more cranky. Feel some withdrawal symptoms sprouting up. I’m sure they won’t get as bad as before. All is good.
Day 6 - OK, something is going on here. I am grumpy and I am short. Boy, do I have a short fuse today! Been trying to reign things in, but the withdrawal symptoms are ramping up, big time. Now Nancy and I are back together, but not much touching. I’m alienating her with my bad mood.
Day 7 - It’s Sunday and the withdrawal symptoms have kicked in full force and I realize I am in full withdrawal and OH SHIT THIS SUCKS! So much for trying to lesson the withdrawal symptoms! That didn’t work worth beans! Is there no hope?
Day 7 - A realization hit me, I’m really totally addicted to O. Oh my God! This means, I’m not going for two weeks here. . . this means I can never have another O again as long as I live. I mean, I could, but then I’d have to go through this withdrawal again. No, thank you. Oh my God, what am I going to do. My life is over. I can’t live without Orgasms. What the hell was I thinking here? Ok, deep breath. . . . Let’s turn off that recording in my brain. . . There we go. . .
Day 7 (later) - OK, no physical contact has been a BAD IDEA. A really bad idea. Nancy and I need to have a heart to heart. I need physical contact, but I need her to know what is going on here so that I don’t get myself all turned on and then slip with an O.
Day 7 (still later) We talked about it and she understands and seems somewhat sympathetic. Actually, she gave me a little pep talk about just changing my thoughts and not focusing on the no O aspect. That was not what I wanted to hear, so I told her I wanted some appreciation for the accomplishments I have made here. I mean I want to hear what a God Damned Good Fucking Job I’m doing here. A little appreciation would go a long way right? I must be such a pain in the ass to live with right now.
Day 8 - Withdrawal symptoms are still a total bitch but I noticed today how clearer the world looks. My awareness of my surroundings has gone up. Whoa, this is an interesting side effect. Was my addiction really limiting my view of the world. Hell I thought it was just healthy masturbation. I also notice that I am being a lot more direct. Saying what I want and meaning what I say. Not as afraid to do so. Without my numbing addiction, life is worth taking a few more risks, huh?
Day 9 - Ok, Nancy and I had holding and cuddling last night at bed time. No sexual touching, no skin on skin contact. Nancy was very good about not letting me accelerate things, although I told her I want some skin to skin contact in the next day or so. The touching went a long way toward calming things down, although this afternoon the withdrawal symptoms have ramped up again. I also did a lot of reading on the site and got some good ideas. Man it's helpful to see how others cope and the lessons they have learned. I'm focused on the need to break old habits and thought patterns as they start. Onward!
Day 9 - Also realized that I met the goal from early last week to make it through the weekend. Wahoo! Next goal is make it through the coming weekend.
- Sid's blog
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Comments
I love your avatar
I'm a big fan of old school punk. I like the Nancy reference. The mood swings can really do a number on you. At work, there are times when a customer forgets to tell me that they have a coupon. So I must re ring everything up. I get really pissed off, I don't show it but I really get angry with that. Or just the wrong facial expressions or vocal tones can really irritate me. That must be tough trying to stay clear of the ever enticing "O" while being with your partner. You're doing a good job man. Keep it up!
Day 10
Had a good hard workout this morning and I have been "amped" up all day. This isn't like a sexual tension amped, instead it's more like my body feels like a tightly wound spring. I've got all this energy, some of it nervous, and I don't know what to do with it. Every day is indeed another adventure! The sexual tension is non-existent and that is a very welcome change. Lots of physical (non-sexual) contact with Nancy which I'm sure is helping a great deal.
Just notice
how important that daily affection is. It may seem irrelevant, but at some deeper level it makes everything easier.
Many thanks for sharing your experiences. Helps others chart their courses, because it helps show that some things that seem unrelated to cutting back are actually quite related.
A new start a new strategy.
Had a slip on day 14, but did a good job of not beating myself up for it. No P, but M and O.
Figured out that a significant cause of the stress that led to the slip was having given my power away to my partner. I had told her I didn't want her to sexually stimulate me so that I would have an accidental orgasm. That wasn't too smart. It left me in a situation where she got to define what was acceptable contact I just felt out of control and DEPRIVED, one of my biggest triggers. This had started on Friday and just spiraled down.
As soon as the slip occurred, it became clear to me what had happened. As a result, I looked up the bonding behaviors on the site and suggested to Nancy that we have a date for next Friday night to do the behaviors. I proposed that we each pick one bonding behavior from the list and that if the other person didn't like the suggested behavior, they could pick one of the alternate behaviors instead. I proposed that our agreement be to engage only in the behavior that was suggested and not to engage in anything further without a mutual agreement.
I thought this would work much better because then I would have a bonding behavior to look forward to near the end of the week when I'm getting tired and lonely and my resolve starts breaking down. I figured that this proposal would provide clear expectations on both our parts. Nancy traditionally dislikes going by the manual or a "recipe" for how to do things, so I was taking a risk to suggest it, but thought it was worthwhile to make the suggestion.
To my surprise, Nancy was very enthusiastic about the list of bonding behaviors. She told me that she liked them because they were not "sexual" per se in any way and couldn't be confused with that because not genitals were exposed or manipulated or "teased" they were only involved at the beginning in a specifically non-arousing way. She thought that the order of the suggested activities was to take people's focus off of the genitals when "bonding" since they are the least important part of a true bond and the listed activities pointedly head away from genital rather than toward them. She didn't think that skipping around was necessarily a good idea and instead suggested that we do one or two a day in order. She felt that "proceed as directed" might work better for us.
Holy cow, just when you think you have someone figured out. . . oh well. I'm not sure that I completely agree with her interpretation, but the result is fine with me.
Last night was our second night of practicing the suggested bonding behaviors. They are really working nice. I like the idea of sending and receiving loving energy in the exercises. I guess the true test will come later in the week. She has an evening class on Wed night and I have one on Thurs. Mine goes very late, so I don't see her from Thurs morning until Friday when I get home from work. We also have my mother coming to visit for the weekend, so it will be a real challenge, but I'm hopeful this new plan will have better success.
*giggle*
It's a woman's prerogative to change her mind.
Glad you're having fun with the BBs. Hope the weekend isn't too stressful.