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Day 2
I had a slip, but not on my serious bottom line. I was feeling a little worn down from some feelings that I was dealing with concerning my mother. Some old unconscious stuff lingering around and I hadnt been really nourishing many social bonds. I just hit an end finally and looked at some light porn. But I did it for a good amount of time because I couldnt really get it on my secured computer. Escalating softcore? I didnt feel horrible, but once that happens you can really open the door for appetite again. I had started to feel pretty steady and smooth for a while in some areas, boy did I feel a difference in my mind and mood the next day. Made me miss my clarity with scattered emotional burps. The next night I was just talking on the phone outside and a girl wearing very little attire smiled my way and I kept thinking about all of the could haves and should haves. My mind went into a frenzy of gripping fantasy and I couldnt shake myself from it. I did it again the next night. Now, Ive had a day or two to sit on it despite the cravings, but Im starting to come together and see where all of this is causing me pain. I just need to keep doing what I know works and stick with it. Keep to my lists and use the tools Ive used doing this a hundred times now.
Im just trying to stick with life as usual lately, and that seems to be helpful. All the good habits Ive been working on dont get flushed down the toilet with that kleenex.
I definitely see the contrast at work. My poor perception of people and lack of concentration and drive is noticeable. However, all the effort Ive been putting into other things have been bearing a little fruit and its lifting my spirits. The school/career/job thing is taking form and good things are happening in that direction. Too many good things are happening to really let a slip up bother me that much. Too many other ways to produce dopamine, those pathways are getting stronger over time.
- Rockhardington's blog
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Comments
Good news, I have not had
Good news, I have not had any major withdrawal symptoms after this last relapse. I felt "off" for a couple of days and a little mentally anxious, but overall, there has not been any major physical symptoms. In fact, life seemed to just go on. Definitely some fog, but no giant pangs like I have had in the past.
Just staying busy mostly. Trying to get my life together and my finances as well. I think this trip to see my family was the best thing for me. It has really given me the support and the ground to get back into the swing of things. It has been difficult confronting some issues with my mother, but it has been pretty important. I have had my "lows" for sure, but nothing too horrible.
This week, I thought that I would have been much worse off as far as being irritable and defensive at work. I was a little, but I noticed that the habits that I did forge while coherent seemed to have stuck a little. During a stressful work situation where I thought I was going to melt a little, I ended up letting it go and have it not effect me. It felt like the stability I feel when I am balanced, so I guess I was a little. Good thinking habits are good thinking habits and they do not go away overnight, just like these bad thinking habits.
I was confronted with some shame today though and it makes me want to withdraw and isolate. I had to leave a part time job when I left town, but I wasnt thinking all that well because I was super broke, stressed, and homeless at the time. I didnt leave it in the best way and when I asked for my job back when I return they said no. It didnt totally surprise me, but I was trying to do the right thing at the time and it was hard to muster up the extra mental resources to do that. I dont like to burn bridges with work places and I have prided myself on not, but I let this one slip. I felt like I let my old non-confrontational nice guy ways come out to sabotage me again. However, I was very stressed at the time and when I get like that, I dont always make the best decisions.
I dont absolutely need this job, but it would have worked well into my class schedule. I did find two other part time jobs that I am excited about that are more relevant to my field, but they are not very many hours. I am having a good response from jobs related to my real interests, which is exciting, but I will need a few more hours of work this school year.
It is challenging not to slip back into shame-thinking today. I have to try to put things into context and see the "big picture". I guess my behavior is surfacing at this time because I am looking for more work in that area and I tried to contact my old boss and these thoughts are coming up. My integrity and worth feels tied to my performance and I really try to do good work wherever I am. But I cannot be too hard on myself.
I am returning to a place where I was having a hard time and going through some difficult challenges. When I think of this place, I think of painful thoughts. Me getting hurt, me being in financial trouble, me struggling with grades, me feeling isolated from the people and culture there. After returning to a city and being around people that I get along with and who have similar values to me, it makes returning that much harder.
Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato
That's excellent news
about the milder withdrawal. That must make life a lot less treacherous-seeming. Is this your last year there? Maybe you can just keep your eye on the future this year and not on the past.