Day 9 Moodyness, feeling a lil' sick, slight drama with ex's grandpa or just me?

Feeling moody, woke up and I was okay. Met up with my ex's mom to watch my son for 3 hours. She was polite and civil. It was very hot outside(so I didn't didn't want to take him to the park) so we just stayed around the mall. He had alot of fun with the rides. So then later, his great grandad showed up to take him to his house. The conversation was civil, the only thing that bothered me after that was that he asked me if I had work. Which I didn't have work today. Then he gave me a look and says "Oh well you could have watched him for the rest of the afternoon." So then they walk off and he says "If you want to see him give us a call." And i'm thinking that's wtf I've been doing. Is texting my ex and setting up times to watch my son. Sure, I don't watch him all day because, after a while I start to get flustered (there's only so much you can do at the mall and I just feel anxious and nervous after a few hours) and I figure that someone else may want to watch him as well. Also I don't have any toys for my lil guy to play with, and finances are a pain in the ass right now. But I can save up and buy a few things for him. But even that's hard because I'm almost always broke from paying student loans and bills, its like get off my back! At least I am spending time with him! Its not like I do nothing for him.

I mean Sunday I even texted my ex and asked her what my son needed. She told me and I bought what I could with the money I had. (coupons helped out a lot) Well, I'm so used to her family being judgmental that I take some of what they say personally. Even she would admit to have dealing with them. It would have been better if he said "well next time you're off and you want to keep him longer just let us know." That would have came off less confrontational rather than a "you could've done this" type of talk. I felt like he was being pushy and trying to tell me to spend more time with my kid. Which makes me feel unappreciated since I work 30-40 hours a week, I get two days off a week. So, I plan my week for one day off is for me, one day off is for my son. Sure I have more freedom now that I'm no longer with my ex. But don't try to make me feel guilty because things didn't work out. Maybe I'm over-exaggerating due to the past and the situation itself. That and I'm sick and going through withdrawal. Like I said though I'm so used to being 'interrogated' and judged that I take what he says personally. That and I'm going through withdrawal so I could be just more sensitive than usual today.

Before my ex had our son it was question question question, about religion and all that. And then its like if you don't give the answer he likes it more lecture. I've had to deal with alot of stuff before she officially moved out. A few weeks before she moved out, her grandad picked me up from work with the baby, and said "so you're broken up?" then goes into how things will be hard (like I'm totally oblivious to that fact), then brings it up again and just acts really cold and leaves the house. A week before my ex moved out her stepdad sent me threats on my phone, tried calling her moms phone but coincidentally noone answered. I remember when she was still here how she would try to start fights. She started shouting at me saying that I wanted her out of the apartment because I was looking at furniture for the apartment. How does that work!? Yet she's looking at bedroom furniture and I'm not freaking out over it. I remember we were to go to dinner at her grandmas. And then she was concerned that my son would walk into the street, so like any concerned parent would do I picked up my son and placed him near the house.

So then she tells me that "Well you don't have to pick him up. He can walk on his own." or something like that with a harsh tone of voice. And I tell her "I'd appreciate it if you'd let me handle situations like this." And she told me I was being smart and acting as though I were a child saying "do you want to have dinner with my family or not?" And then I say I'd like to and she says "no you're not." So she drove me home and there was alot hysterical bs with her shouting at me because I told her that I didn't appreciate the way she spoke to me. I'm full of rage right now and i'm not pullin no punches. This whole time I had friends and family telling me what they told me long ago (that I needed to tear the thread so to speak) and then after she moved out everyone was as happy as I was. Currently communication between us is civil, I'm not even mad at her I'm just mad at the fact her granddad came at me the way he did. Aside from this...My cravings are lil' more prominent today. Its not like I'm horny for porn its more like "I need to self medicate" but instead of porn I'm going to listen to music.

I'm usually not THIS angry but I guess those feelings were repressed and that going through withdrawal is like pulling out a harmful splinter, with that splinter follows a host of other buried feelings and memories which were unreconciled due to self medicating with porn. I even had another dream about porn and woke up in the middle of a wet dream. Got up to go to the bathroom and stood there and just got shortness of breath, felt very lightheaded...then I just fell back against the wall, and blacked out. Woke up thinking "What happened!?" I've had black outs in the past I don't know what is causing it, maybe stress or anxiety? Maybe my repressed feelings represent the fact that I'm not happy with the current situation but, there's nothing to do but accept it. I feel that there is maybe some residual contempt on her family's part due to the fact that they're her family so they would believe anything she told them about me. I love my son but I really don't want any children any time soon. I just want to focus on him right now. When I do want another child it would have to be in the future with someone who's exhibited great traits for being a potential partner. I'm not going to let that ruin my day. I'm just going to take it easy.