08:18:10

Well, I figured I'd write something new after seeing what happened to my last one. Is that some sort of record around these parts?

So, I left Chicago about a week ago, and here I am from feast to famine. I was reading some of our old correspondences and realized that we used to flirt a lot more, our relationship was really sexually charged back then. I think some of this may have to do with how much my own perception on sex has changed. Even before I found this place I was making a gradual change in that realm, because there was a part of me that felt like I was settling for something that didn't make me feel very good. I enjoyed his responses to some of my behaviors, but deep down I felt cheap. Was it a problem with the behavior or with my perception of it? I still don't know. I may revisit that again in the future.

I also realized that my partner holds most of the cards when it comes to sex, which I suppose is an odd dynamic. Usually women seem to have all the say when it comes to that, but I feel it's reversed in my case. Honestly, I don't know if I like it. It's been that way for me before, and I think that it's due to a particular vulnerability of mine. You see, I equate sex with approval, being wanted, and connecting deeply. As you can well guess it's pretty high up on my list of quality activities to do because of what I get out of it. It's not only a reinforcer of worth, but also the easiest way to my partner's psyche. The thing I seek the most diligently in every relationship.

In my life with various lovers, I've noticed that they were closed off to me most of the time (particularly male lovers). Sure, we would talk about things, but I didn't feel like there was anything meaningful or profound in anything we said or did. I often seek meaning and depth in even mundane activities, it's a very important thing to me.

When I cannot tap into the soul of my partner or it is not open to me, it creates a sadness in me that is hard to describe. That sense of "lack" that they talk about in Yoga is keenly and painfully felt. Often, to numb this pain, I will detach myself from my emotions so I cannot feel the "lack", or dive into my inner landscape and draw from it.

Most of my recreational activities are spent on exploring the depths of emotion, meaning, and the human psyche (a Piscean quality, so it's said) and sex is often a last resort to try and get that. When it is offered, I am only too happy to comply. This is because the potential for exploring those depths with another person is an incomparable experience, and far more fulfilling than anything else I can think of. When it comes down to it, I desperately crave this profound intimacy and yet it eludes me. I taunts me and I seek it all the more.

This, in turn, makes me look like a nympho, because I'm trying to get my soul fed through a physical activity. Obviously this can be done, otherwise I wouldn't always be so ready "dance" with my partner. To me, it is like creating art, every time. It is sacred and now, I don't know that I can go back to what I once was. I don't know if I can be that little "sex kitten" again. Too much meaning and spirituality is all wound up in love making, and though I knew it all along, it took me a long time to figure it out.

Now that I am here, and I know myself so purely... what do I do?

With this thing I am naked and vulnerable and at the mercy of anyone who holds my affections. This probably why I am so easily wounded with things of an intimate or sexual nature. Many of my scars and hurts are directly related to sex, my rejection complex is all tied up in it too. I feel so helpless because of my want to be healed through it, and it never comes. In fact, I find that I keep getting hurt the more I try to get the healing... what is wrong with me?

I cannot do this by myself.

I feel so alone.

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