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Problem with staying hard, related (I think) to masturbation
Hey,
I stumbled on reuniting.info a half hour ago, and I'd been looking for a place to get some advice/support, so here goes, apologies for length (if you want to skip the story, just read the last paragraph for my question):
For a few years I have masturbated to porn fairly regularly, probably about once a day on average, occasionally a couple times, sometimes not at all. A few weeks ago, I became, very quickly, very involved with a girl while I was in Europe. The first night we were dancing/making out for a few hours at a nightclub before eventually going out to a beach where she went down on me (she had made every move - I was happily along with the ride). Although she was (is) very, very attractive, sexy, good-looking, etc. - and although I had been mostly hard for the last couple hours at the club and on the beach - when she started to give me head, I started to lose my erection. She tried with her mouth and her hands for a few minutes, and kinda gave up. She wanted to have sex that night, but she was on her period, so we ended up kissing good night and leaving it at that. I had been drinking, so I assumed that I'd been losing my erection because of alcohol. However looking back, I have to think that wasn't the reason, as I have a very high tolerance and have been able to get off by myself much more drunk than I was at the time.
Two nights later we ended up back in my room, both of us on my bed, naked, about to have sex. As I was putting a condom on, I began to lose my erection again. I fumbled around trying to get my half limp penis inside her (didn't work very well), and after trying for maybe 10 minutes or so to get me hard again, we gave up, embarrassed. I felt terrible, couldn't sleep for a couple hours, both because I had fucked up my chance to have sex for the first time with a very beautiful girl, because I couldn't stay hard. I'd always been worried I might be premature - it had never crossed my mind that the opposite might happen. The next afternoon, a couple minutes before I left to come back to the states, she gave me a hand job, that, after struggling for a little bit, actually worked. This was very relieving of course, but I still can't shake the following:
I think that the reason I had trouble staying aroused was that I had gotten so used to watching porn and masturbating that way, that when the actual thing happened, I couldn't for whatever reason, make it work. Does this make sense? Have other people had this issue as well? Or is there a different explanation for why this happened? And most importantly, how can I make sure that next time I see try to have sex, things work?
Thanks very much,
I think you hit the nail on the head my friend.
Porn is the likely culprit. I kinda came here for similar reasons although I have more experience with women than you do my problem was remarkably similar. I had been single for awhile. No sex for like 9 months or so but not quite a year. I met a girl and we had sex. After we had sex I relapsed and masturbated to porn again for a week. When she came back to have sex with me again, couldn't get it up.
There are a number of really good articles on this website about how porn becomes a substitute for real women and how the habit contributes to erectile dysfunction. I can tell you this my friend. If you weren't looking at porn (or masturbating) for three weeks prior to meeting this hot chick, as you suspected, your hard on would be ginormous.
Just to put this in perspective I'm a 34 year old male who has masturbated to porn for years. I'm now porn free for 3 months (with a few slips) and I have no problems with erections anymore. It's great to see you have figured this out largely on your own. I used to think I couldn't get it up because I was so excited that I was about to have sex that I was somehow sabotaging my orgasm. In other words not in my wildest dreams did I want to face up to the fact that my precious porn stash was part of the problem.
Anyhow to keep this brief, welcome, and read some articles on here. I really got a lot out of the "Help, Porn Addiction In Progress" series. Even if you don't think you are addicted Marnia and Gary have compiled a lot of the latest research and put it in one place so you can decide for yourself in an unbiased way. Basically scientific research can explain exactly what happened to you in Greece. Don't worry about it though there will be plenty of other opportunities for you as you I'm sure are intuitively aware.
If you begin to learn more of what this website is about you may want to take a little time away from porn, masturbation and orgasm. (PMO) Just a suggestion bro. Good luck in your self discovery.
Sorry for your pain (and her confusion)
but one day I suspect you'll look back and be grateful that you hit this speed bump early in life. Don't worry...you'll recover just fine. Today's porn is like nothing our ancestors' brains ever confronted. That matters because sexual arousal actually happens between the ears, not the legs. And more of certain neurochemicals firing up between your ears isn't necessarily better as it turns out.
Have a look at this article: "Has Evolution Trained Our Brains to Gorge on Food and Sex?" http://www.reuniting.info/has_evolution_trained_our_brains_to_gorge_on_f...
You probably saw this one, right? "As Porn Goes Up, Performance Goes Down?"
http://www.reuniting.info/as_porn_goes_up_performance_goes_down
*big hug*
question for dano.....
In the past i have found that what your saying is true. But i just wanted to ask how long is it before you noticed positive impacts in terms of your sex drive toward real women. more recently i have given up the porn for good, i still MB maybe once a week, but i only do it and concentrate on the feeling. No thoughts or anything.
I have noticed in the past, and currently have noticed as well that in little as two weeks i have seen benefits. Normal women start to arouse me more, however if i think of porn it still gets me somewhat aroused as well. Its kind of like i'm caught in the middle, going from porn to being balanced, but its just not quite there yet.
I have also noticed that in the past that all of a sudden out of nowhere the brain resets itself. I was just wondering, while there are positive benefits after 2 weeks. In the subsequent weeks do things get even better the longer i don't look at the porn. I see some people recommend a couple of months before things are truely back. I kinda of tend to agree, with addicition its all about forming habits. the longer you stay away from a habit, the easier it is to break free from it.
Right now i can sit and type this, and even though i could go look up porn, i have no desire to. Although its been like that in the past so i have to be careful. I have learned from my mistakes.
Think you'll always find your favorite junk food tempting?
I mean, even if you can resist it without much trouble, won't you always find some of your favorite goodies kind of tempting? I suspect it'll be the same with porn. Even though it gets easier to say, "Nah...I'm not going there," it'll probably always seem kind of tempting. :-)
Hey SportsGuy. I can say unequivocally yes!
The longer you stay away from porn the more things "reboot." Not only do we learn new habits, we learn a new way of life without a constant stream of extreme sexual stimulation. Since the new "normal" in our society is that vast numbers of men (and many women) are walking around in a sort of low level sexual fever the majority of the time, for us that dies down somewhat, but much more so with no masturbation at all for over two weeks. That's what Marnia calls the "passion cycle" or "hangover" after orgasm so getting over that hump is where some real profound emotional/physical shifts happen. Anytime I've gotten past two weeks of no PMO I've felt increasingly....powerful. That's the only word I can use to describe it.
In addition, I've found that even if I do fall off and masturbate *without porn,* I'm still less intense in constantly searching for attractive women and looking around at them in public. (Don't know if you were ever like that but I was, sometimes still am.) For real though, it's not all cake once you get past say two or three months of no porn, the triggers are still there and the reality is most anyone who's got any time can tell you there are relapses. They can be minimized with a lot of forethought and being prepared but they can happen nonetheless if we aren't careful.
I wish I had way more time and I could tell you what it's like after 6 months or a year of no porn, maybe someone who does have this kind of time can chime in. For now, I'm right there with you. Also, like you, I have no desire to look at porn right now. Ironically, sex with a real woman, or just messing around with one is a big trigger for porn, whether I orgasm with her or not. I just learned that a couple weeks ago. For me, it's way harder to quit masturbating than to quit porn. My recent discovery also showed me that I could quit masturbating for two or three weeks standing on my head when I was single, while in my new relationship I'm lucky if I can go a week of no orgasm, with her or by myself.
Getting to know one's body without porn and is a huge step in the right direction for real life interacting with women. I've noticed the longer I stay away from porn that it's easier to talk to them, flirt and get into conversations. These things I could do while still masturbating to porn on a regular basis but my attitude is so much less interested in getting her panties off. Of course, I'm sexually attracted to them (if they are an attractive woman they already know that anyway!) but the difference is the lizard brain is in it's cage where it belongs, while the full breadth of my personality can show itself and take shape before her eyes in a way that is stifled under the crippling emotional blanket of constant porn use.
That is a refreshing change for both of us, as I'm sure any woman reading this post will attest! They know when a dude has an ulterior motive, no matter if he tries to hide it. Quitting PMO is the path to making the "goal" of orgasm a complete non-issue when interacting with women. It really makes you more attractive to them and at the same time you get a rock solid confidence boost out of not caring a wit if she will ultimately sleep with you. It's easier to just "go with the flow." That *will* improve your chances, but as with all things related to women and dating, it often appears in ways you wouldn't think of until it happens. You'll see man, if you haven't already. Logic and explanation really fail to deliver on things that must be experienced for oneself, but you get the picture.
Keep on, keeping on brother.
Yeah i agree....
To be honest at first i thought it was more physical than mental. But now i really feel its the other way around. Physically MBing 15 times a week i'm sure didn't help. But i have noticed the longer i stay away from the porn the better things get. For one two week period i didn't look at anything, no women, didn't even come close to thinking of sex and i had a extremely promising result. However in my recent attempts i find its ok to look at women in a normal fashion, even though the results may be a tad slower, it doesn't matter to me, cause i know everything will get better if i just stay away from the porn, and limit the MB. (only doing it once or twice a month)
And yes when i do occationally orgasm what it does to me is makes me feel like i want to do it again, sort of like what i used to do with porn, when i used to binge. My body is telling me, just one more time, and thatll be it. However i have learned, i have learned to fight that urge. Its a reason i still MB occationally, even if its to the feeling. I want to regain my willpower, tell myself that after one orgasm its enough, you know show some self control. Lately i'm proud to say its been working. Its only been a couple weeks, but i know i'm regaining power over it. I've had my ups and downs with this thing over the past year, it truely is a learning process.
One of the funniest things i noticed is how different certain cues are. Like i used to be able to hear a word that had something to do with anything pornographic, or something that even sounded like it was from porn, i would immediately think about porn. Now, while thats not completely gone its getting much better. Sort of like my brain is finally learned to separate the two.
But anyway on i go. thank you for all your replies everyone. this truely is a journey, but i think i can see the light at the end of the tunnel. We will see.
Sounds like you're definitely
in the driver's seat. That's all that really matters. Go for it when you choose; stop when you choose.
Now to apply your new skills with a sweetheart! ;-)