Loss of Libido/Depression

Submitted by ab1234cd on Wed, 2010-08-25 20:11
Addicts

Hi everyone,

I came to the realization that I was a porn/masturbation addict about a month and a half ago when I failed to 'rise to the occasion' with a woman in my bedroom. I started keeping a journal of my symptoms and progress, and this is going to be a brief summary, but right now I have some serious problems and I'm hoping for some reassurance....

I'm 25 and single. I've been masturbating to primarily fetish pornography/fantasies since I was probably 13 years old. I never had a real girlfriend, limited sexual experiences, and actually participated in some of the fetishes I fantasized in for internet companies (won't go into details, as I know that might trigger some people's addiction).

I've had my ups and downs since trying to quit, convinced I was cured 2 weeks after I quit, then convinced myself that now that I know the dangers of porn/masturbating, I could still use it, but sparingly or only looking at 'normal' porn. But everytime I would look at porn, I would be very nervous (ashamed maybe?). What I noticed though is that I would not have the desire to have sex as often as I did before. Maybe a week or so after my last ejaculation, I would start having fantasies/desires again. Before confronting the addiction, it was a daily thing, where the instant I thought of anything remotely sexual, I had an instant erection. Now I seem to have a hard time focusing on sex, and even if I look at porn, I'm not aroused anymore. This bothers me A LOT, as I'm worried that I've convinced my brain that sex is a bad or shameful thing, or that it can't distinguish between masturbating and the real thing. This has completely turned me off of dating right now, as I would much rather not go through the embarassment of failing to get an erection again. This is terrible, as I don't know how I can get back to connecting with real people if Im afraid to do so

Did anyone else have a loss of libido after giving up the addiction? Was it always accompanied by depression (loss of interest in everything, including sex)?

I'm definitely depressed, but I'm not sure if the loss of libido is a symptom or a cause. I know I'm depressed because I've lost interest in everything, and have been questioning what the point of anything is, or what happiness really is (if it's just chemicals in the brain, what does it matter where they come from?) I had the thought pop into my head that no matter what I accomplish in this world, as soon as I die, it won't mean anything, and I can't get that thought out of my head. It's like I have nothing to live for, nothing I'm passionate about, no one I've ever been in love with. One thing that I kinda realized is that porn and my fantasies were the most exciting part of my life, the thing I looked forward to the most. I never minded the other parts of my life (have some hobbies, a decent paying although kinda boring job), but now I've just lost the desire to do anything. I've started seeing a therapist, but she really didn't seem to have much advice or do much help. I'm kind of rambling now, so I'll try to stop and just ask whether any other recoverers dealt with depression like this, did you overcome it, and how long did it take you? Also, once you got over the addiction, how long after an orgasm do you usually go before thinklng about sex again?

Any help/advice/kind words would be greatly appreciated
Thanks

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2010-08-25 21:33.

Actually, I have heard people complain of hitting the "doldrums" for a while before their brains bounce back to normal again. This is understandable because all that intense stimulation actually numbed the pleasure response capabilities of your brain. Specifically, it's likely that some dopamine receptors have shut down - and normal dopamine levels/response is critical for feelings of well-being. So you feel like crap for a good reason. No one knows exactly how long it takes for them to recover, but you should see progress soon.

Regaining equilibrium is a strange process...slightly different for everyone. I compare it with a pendulum that swings from highs to lows and back again before settling in the middle, that is, in a healthy place with normal sensitivity to normal stimuli. By the way, my husband was chronically depressed while he was a frequent masturbator...except for when he was masturbating, I suspect. :-) He's really enjoying NOT being depressed anymore, but I still remember that his rebound wasn't instant. The incidents of depression just got farther apart until they disappeared. Phew!

I can assure you that withdrawal is often excruciating...one way or the other, and the "brain worms" can be the worst symptom because they feel so real. The anxiety and depression and despair are so unrelenting during the lows that you can't imagine ever emerging into the sunlight again. It's very hard to get motivated...and the urge to go back and "test" yourself with porn is often very strong, too. Don't. Just be glad you're not interested. That could be for the best just now.

I suspect that once you are through this phase you will look back and realize it didn't last all that long, even though it seems to be lasting forever.

There are things that help, but the tough part is that you have to do them even though you won't feel like doing them. There's a list here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/2058
But according to the men here, I'd say the most powerful "meds" are exercise and friendly interaction. However, daily meditation, hypnosis and time in nature often get rave reviews, too. Massage and volunteering and time with pets are also helpful.

So start a blog and let us know how you progress and what helps most. You'll be helping others, too.

Hope you feel better soon. Thanks for your courage in making a change.

Submitted by daventryHero on Wed, 2010-08-25 21:51.
ab1234cd wrote:

Before confronting the addiction, it was a daily thing, where the instant I thought of anything remotely sexual, I had an instant erection. Now I seem to have a hard time focusing on sex, and even if I look at porn, I'm not aroused anymore. This bothers me A LOT...

In my humble opinion, that's actually a good thing and should not be cause for concern. It means you are unlinking your arousal process from porn and fantasy. You may find that your "libido" has suddenly returned full strength when a real woman is around.

Submitted by ab1234cd on Thu, 2010-08-26 18:43.

Thanks for the kind words Marnia and daventryHero. In response to dH, I guess that's part of what has me worried, is that I'm afraid to get close to another woman until I'm sure that my gear is working, but the only way to know if my gear is working is to get close to a woman. I'm going to try giving it some more time, and continue seeing my therapist (start seeing a psychiatrist actually), and I will try to come back and keep everyone posted. The last thing I want to find out is that my addiction was covering up some sort of asexuality or that I over-corrected my sex addiction to the point that I can't enjoy it anymore. Thanks again for the responses.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Thu, 2010-08-26 20:02.

how you get on. It's always painful to feel stuck in an uncomfortable place. However, things generally change, one way or the other, so be optimistic.

Have you read Doidge's book "The Brain That Changes Itself?" You can see some excerpts here: http://www.reuniting.info/node/1808 It might be comforting.

Submitted by ab1234cd on Sat, 2010-08-28 15:53.

Good news. My depression lifted yesterday, and immediately I was aroused by normal, healthy sexual thoughts. I still have some bouts of anxiety and depression, but I'm learning to recognize it, and just as important, I'm learning what my symptoms are. Unfortunately, my libido seems to be the first thing to go....this is so new to me, because I used to use my addiction to cope, but I'm learning so much about myself that was all hidden under the addiction. Anyway, I'm sure I still have a ways to go, but I can definitely say this is a learning experience that I'll probably be able to look back on and say I learned a lot from. Thanks for the support everyone, I will try to come back with a full account of my journey some time in the future.

PS: I did order the book, still waiting for it to arrive. I feel so much better now, but I'm sure it will continue to give me strength and optimism for the road ahead.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2010-08-28 21:37.

Those normal feelings of well-being will probably become more frequent now. Keep us posted, and don't let the ups and downs discourage you. Most people don't roll down the runway and take off in a smooth, linear fashion, even after their progress becomes evident.

*big hug*

Submitted by hopethisisallfixed on Thu, 2011-05-12 21:36.

Yeah I feel like I'm going through the same thing...no libido and I feel super depressed all the time..this is terrible...best of luck..

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Fri, 2011-05-13 20:38.

this mood graph? http://yourbrainonporn.com/rebooting-accounts Are you making your own? Might help you see when things change.

I'm sorry you're suffering. Are you exercising? That seems to be one of the best mood meds during recovery.

Submitted by hurona on Wed, 2011-07-06 17:17.

check out extreme pleasure question to see my journey. Your brain is just pissed because its not getting what it wants..overstimulation, and you can compare it to your brain having a tantrum. Like a spoiled kid who has everything. Soon it will bounce back and libido will return. Dont worry be happy!