What's Life Like Without Porn For Awhile?

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Submitted by Dano_Clarke on
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I wrote this in answer to a question from SportsGuy2259. He got me thinking about the changes that happen when we quit porn, and his question was specific to how being porn free affects our relationship to women. I thought it should be it's own blog post. The original thread, started by markthomas, can be found here:

http://www.reuniting.info/node/4499#comment-25670

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What's Life Like Without Porn For Awhile?

The longer you stay away from porn the more things "reboot." Not only do we learn new habits, we learn a new way of life without a constant stream of extreme sexual stimulation. Since the new "normal" in our society is that vast numbers of men (and many women) are walking around in a sort of low level sexual fever the majority of the time, for us that dies down somewhat, but much more so with no masturbation at all for over two weeks. That's what Marnia calls the "passion cycle" or "hangover" after orgasm so getting over that hump is where some real profound emotional/physical shifts happen. Anytime I've gotten past two weeks of no PMO I've felt increasingly....powerful. That's the only word I can use to describe it.

In addition, I've found that even if I do fall off and masturbate *without porn,* I'm still less intense in constantly searching for attractive women and looking around at them in public. (Don't know if you were ever like that but I was, sometimes still am.) For real though, it's not all cake once you get past say two or three months of no porn, the triggers are still there and the reality is most anyone who's got any time can tell you there are relapses. They can be minimized with a lot of forethought and being prepared but they can happen nonetheless if we aren't careful.

I wish I had way more time and I could tell you what it's like after 6 months or a year of no porn, maybe someone who does have this kind of time can chime in. For now, I'm right there with you. Also, like you, I have no desire to look at porn right now. Ironically, sex with a real woman, or just messing around with one is a big trigger for porn, whether I orgasm with her or not. I just learned that a couple weeks ago. For me, it's way harder to quit masturbating than to quit porn. My recent discovery also showed me that I could quit masturbating for two or three weeks standing on my head when I was single, while in my new relationship I'm lucky if I can go a week of no orgasm, with her or by myself.

Getting to know one's body without porn and is a huge step in the right direction for real life interacting with women. I've noticed the longer I stay away from porn, that it's easier to talk to them, flirt and get into conversations. These things I could do while still masturbating to porn on a regular basis but my attitude is so much less interested in getting her panties off. Of course, I'm sexually attracted to them (if they are an attractive woman they already know that anyway!) but the difference is the lizard brain is in it's cage where it belongs, while the full breadth of my personality can show itself and take shape before her eyes in a way that is stifled under the crippling emotional blanket of constant porn use.

That is a refreshing change for both of us, as I'm sure any woman reading this post will attest! They know when a dude has an ulterior motive, no matter if he tries to hide it. Quitting PMO is the path to making the "goal" of orgasm a complete non-issue when interacting with women. It really makes you more attractive to them and at the same time you get a rock solid confidence boost out of not caring a wit if she will ultimately sleep with you. It's easier to just "go with the flow." That *will* improve your chances, but as with all things related to women and dating, it often appears in ways you wouldn't think of until it happens. You'll see man, if you haven't already. Logic and explanation really fail to deliver on things that must be experienced for oneself, but you get the picture.

Comments

This is true

I agree man, I have been getting lots of attention from the ladies lately! I think it has to do with abstaining and also just pushing myself. But I notice that conversation flows smoothly and I just feel relaxed talking to girls. They want to know more about me, who I am and what I do. Honestly porn just doesn't seem to be on my mind alot now. I have had some very sexual dreams and I wake up thinking "What was that all about?" But I just ignore it and go on about my day. This experience is something that one would have to try and see for themselves. I'm more happier now, and well I'm making things happen in my life.

Nice post. Its amazing how

Nice post.

Its amazing how much of a difference there is. Im a lot less nervous, more coherent, confident, everything. It really does feel like my real personality can come out. I feel like I have a ton of bricks on top of me when I am trying to function during a withdrawal period. Just trying to keep porn out of my life has made a big difference. I have slipped a few times and I notice the difference for sure between porn masturbation and non-porn masturbation. Getting porn out of my life has been the single best thing Ive tried to do for myself. Ive learned so much about myself and my body and sexuality since Ive been on this adventure.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

Yes, we're still around.

Three years this coming October for me with no Porn A slip about 1.6 years ago. Occasionally I still feel a slight pull, not very much now. About a month ago I came across a porn site, saw the various links and noticed that I really had no desire to click any of them and follow-them. I was quite surprised because the links had some very graphic photos, but the huge mega magnetic pull that once existed around those images just wasn't there. That was a really nice feeling.

In the last three months I decided that I wanted to take all this to the next level. What would it be like not "needing" to have an orgasm two to three times a week. What if the choice to have an O were completely voluntary? Those questions brought me to this site.

A friend of mine commented the other day that I'm doing something that most guys would never even consider trying to do. He likened it to climbing Mt. Everest. I liked that analogy because it validated how flippin' tough this latest effort is. I knew that it was going to be really tough going in, but after three years of progress on porn, I felt I was really ready to give it a try.

Thanks Sid

Your experience shows that it's possible, even probable that others can follow the trail you climb. (Haha corny recovery talk can have it's place sometimes huh?)

No porn for three years sounds awesome. On top of that many of us here are trying to stay away from porn/masturbation/orgasm all at the same time! And that without a partner, although now that I have found someone who wants to give these ideas a try it's a little easier. I'm a long way from having the kind of time you've amassed. I look forward to the "pull" being lessened and lessened.

So...what's the longest

So...what's the longest everyone's (i.e. you who've already answered at least) gone with no PMO and no sexual fantasizing? Have you experienced an improvement in your erections that's acknowledged and noticeable to your female partner?
I've gone almost two years with no porn, but little progress on the ED. Quitting porn and avoiding it has not been difficult for me. So does that mean I wasn't really addicted? I guess I haven't been rigorous enough avoiding fantasy and being in the moment during foreplay and intercourse. Currently I've been with no PMO or fantasy for five weeks (and before that it was two three week periods with no PMO or fantasy interrupted each time by intercourse to ejaculation) and the (dopamine?) itch hasn't been getting worse for the last few weeks.
So what should I expect from here on out?
Is my libido supposed to explode soon? Am I going to start getting aroused by normal, softer triggers?
I understand that everyone has a different brain and degrees of being tangled up into their own sexuality. But I'm seeking to get as objective as possible information about the consequences of pursuing this path of "abstinence to reboot."
A lot of people, especially Dano Clarke, seem very "born-again" and gung-ho and enthusiastic about the idea - but is it a doctrine first and foremost or does it produce tangible results that are verfied BY CHANGES IN THE REACTIONS OF YOUR SEXUAL PARTNERS?
I have to say, the Karezza/Tao/Tantra thing is interesting, but what I'm really interested in is having a normal and satisfying sex life. I'm not sure there's much point in doing this otherwise.
I used porn for about ten years, and I don't think this escalation thing that's always being brought up happened to me, or if it did it happened early and didn't really continue beyond a certain point. The things I fantasized from about the age of five were qualitatively very similar to what I found most arousing in online porn starting a decade later, although I of course had very little idea (even less than now) of the mechanics of sex at that early age. So does that mean I have ten or twenty years of damage to undo? Seems like a big difference!
So how long would that take? And is it even possible or a lost cause? Am I always going to be like this?

I guess everyone's

first choice is a "normal sex life"...until they experiment with the alternative for a bit. But life is funny. Sometimes the fastest way to a goal is the indirect path. My thought is that if you could interest your spouse in trying bonding behaviors and karezza for an extended period it would give the two of you a fresh start. Then even if you two decide you want to incorporate "normal sex" you'd be in a much better position to do it.

Bonding behaviors work at a subconscious level. They shift perception of a mate for the better, and if your partner is not happy with you or your relationship, then her perception needs shifting...first and foremost.

I know you've been having trouble for a while from what you've said. Why not devote three solid weeks to something totally unfamiliar, even if it doesn't appear to be on the straight line between you and your goal? It may get you unstuck. And then you can go wherever you two choose.

Just a thought.

My question to dano and others.....

Is their a period of middle ground where nothing is supposed to excite you. Suppose you have a pendulum, and when we first start to learn about sex its all the way to the left, as we dip into the porn and MB our fantasies start to change. We still have normal sexuality, but at a certain point things start to change, until we are all the way to the right. At the right where nothing normal excites us anymore.

Honestly i had a slight relapse about a week ago, prior to that i was porn free for three weeks. Before the relapse nothing was exciting me, porn or real women. I felt like i was stuck in the middle somewhere. Thats why i asked this question. I have read online that before people get better they go through this period where nothing excites them why they abstain for a couple of weeks. Bringing it back to the pendulum thing, sort of like its back in the middle now and its trying to make its way toward being balanced again on the left side.

Anyway once i relapsed the urge to look at more porn was there, to binge. It all came back fast. However after i made it through a day and resisted that, it went back to normal. the porn urges where no longer present. It took a day for brain to kind of sort them back out, when previous times it took alot longer. I guess even though i relapsed the previous weeks weren't all for naught. So anyway i sit and wait, i know my brain needs more time, its just a litle frustrating.