Day 5?

That might be a good idea. I would like that link.

Its exciting to try to get to know a new person, but getting close to someone brings up a lot issues for me. I am remembering too many things from my last romance. It feels like that. Strong and heavy start, tons of fantasy, loss of control over other areas of my life... I am pretty good at flirting with women, talking to them casually, casually dating women that I am only kind of interested in. But trying to date a woman I vibe with is a whole other animal.

Trying to retain my own sense of balance while trying to figure out when to give is a whole other issue. I liked where my mind was this summer. I have been productive, sober, and focused on my goals. I do not want to lose that and I feel that a romance hit could take me off track pretty easily.

Abstinence makes my personality more attractive to women, I was on fire last week before I got sucked into fantasy about this girl. But that is what is going to happen with this, you become more attractive to the opposite sex and you have to learn to deal with being around women in more intimate ways. There is no way around this, its just another step in recovery.

I am going to try to stick with lists and keep busy in the same way that I handled some of the tough seasons with avoiding orgasm. Im going to keep avoiding solo orgasms as this has proven to be a great personal tool. Im going to keep sticking to all the good habits I developed in the last few years that helped to keep me sober like exercise, diet, and keeping busy. Hopefully, no matter what the outcome, I can garner some important skills and lessons from this.

The Dating Guantlet- A bittersweet journey.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

This summer, I had a pretty good taste of sanity. My mind was focused, efficient, and coherent. I was confident in all areas of my life and I was focused on a goal. There is no reason I cannot have that same focus with a partner. It would seem like it would be even more natural to have that with a partner.

I had a small taste of it on our last date. I was telling her about my goals and I felt like she saw them as something that would be important. I felt like this person might be supportive of my larger interests and not just infatuated with the idea of it. She has her own defined goals as well and I find that attractive.

I am really trying to pace things right now but it is hard. We are both excited about each other and we know it, but I am trying to have some control over myself. She sends me sweet texts and I want to respond to her, but I am being very conservative with it. I just have flashbacks of my recent ex. We would send each other texts all day, even though we were long distance and despite our infatuation with each other... what did those sweet things mean in the end? It was just our brain chemistry lighting up. I feel a little guilty even responding to her texts that way because I just dont really believe it is what it is. Even though I like them, I have doubts of their sincerity because of the outcome with my ex.

I just want to get a sense of this person and their compatibility with me in the long run. Is she sane? Is she going to be good for me and my goals? Can I trust her to be emotionally stable and self-sufficient when I am busy?

I used to see a needy woman as someone that would be good in a relationship because they would be "easy". Its not true, needy women can be like a vortex of headaches, I can especially see why a woman would want to drop a needy guy. I want to make sure that she can see the bigger picture and can respect and take care of herself.

I am going to be seeing her tonight. It was hard not to try to see her last night, but I wanted to pace it and spread it out a little. If you are growing a plant, you dont want to over water it, you want to give it space to grow. I am going to try hard not to sleep with her tonight either, it seems like it could happen very soon and I want to try something different for a change. I am setting the pace with our meetings and how far things go and she has been letting me willingly so far. If she likes to be lead, then she will not mind if I lead at a slow pace for now. I think she is sensing that I am not trying to just get into her pants.

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato

I am trying to deal with some withdrawal symptoms. The neurochemistry has been off the charts lately. Even though being around her has taken the edge off, I still feel like a slave to my old ways. We didnt have sex last night, but we were close. On the one hand, I know it would be amazing with her because we have that whole romance thing going and it wouldnt be a random thing, on the other hand, I see a need for caution right now for my own emotional well-being.

It just seemed like she wanted to go full-throttle last night and Sooty wouldnt pass up something like that. We are both really attracted to each other and into it, it would be easy to want to slow things down if I wasnt.

I thought this would be the easy part

Courage is knowing what not to fear.
-Plato