Obsessing

Hello again,

It has been almost a year since I've blogged here. Since last year, I've been abstinent on again off again. Each time does seem to get a little easier (by that I mean I feel less like I've been punched by Mike Tyson and more like I've been punched by Dick Cheney, i.e. it's still unpleasant and messy but not quite as painful). Today represents two weeks since looking at porn or masturbating. Two or three weeks is usually my maximum time. However, this time my goal is to reach 60 days, no matter what it takes. I've made it to 37 days before, and I believe I can make two months happen.

I haven't written here for a while because I find it easier if I'm not counting the days in some kind of formal fashion, and I feel the need to have more personal, close connection, rather than anonymous confession, during these times. But I've been lurking, and I find the site wonderful for inspiration and motivation.

I'm writing again because I've noticed a particular pattern for me that I haven't really seen touched upon by other bloggers. During my time of abstinence, I almost without fail become obsessed with a particular girl I might know. Unfortunately, these girls are usually much too young (I'm 35 and the girls are 18 or 19, the same age as the girls in the porn I often look at), but they often represent an ideal of sorts. They are usually smart, talented, overachieving and very attractive girls. In some ways you could call it progress - I'm thinking about a real girl rather than a picture -, but I doubt most of these girls would be comfortable knowing that they were on my mind. These girls are not realistic options nor would they probably truly fulfill me. I understand that intellectually, but I still find myself viewing the girl as if she were the answer to my every desire.

This time around, I was noticing that there was no one I was obsessing about. It was actually making life much easier, and I was quite happy with the situation. Then I started a class I'm taking. In it is this 20 year old girl I know who fits the ideal picture I have and suddenly now I can't sleep.

One thing that has helped me overall this time around is that I'm more committed to not fantasizing. As soon as a fantasy begins in my head, I try to concentrate on something else. I'm trying hard not to fantasize various senarios with this girl and...so far so good, but she's still on my mind.

Have other people going through porn recovery gone through the same experience? Is there anything you did to help sooth the obsession? Obsession seems to become a major roadblock for me despite what feels like my best efforts.