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Day 17/18/19/20
Day 17 - a tough time again hard to find more images for work and not get drawn in to anything. I managed it but there is a lot of sexual imagery there that I am keen to avoid. I did find the strictest settings on google were good and a I'm using creative commons too that gets rid of alot more.
Day 18 - a good day with MrsIM1969, I am really enjoying our time together (I always did) but now it feels like I'm not hiding anything or hiding behind anything. Also I don't 'fight' back if wound up at all which is making things easier.
Day19 - a 'bank holiday' here, probably what the rest of the world calls a public/national holiday but we are British and we will be different!! A big training day for me and then a busy afternoon and relaxing evening. These times aren't dangers to me as when I'm with others my thoughts don't wonder as much these days and if they do I dont do anything about it. As for when I'm training my thoughts hardly ever stray to that type of thing (I dont know why over a 4 hour bike ride they seem to stray to every other topic!) The triathlon stuff has been going really well and I wonder if it is down to being more balanced? When I did well at it in the past I didnt have the addiction.
Day20 - back to work I have noticed the quality of my work has really gone up as well as the amount - I have solved problems and had ideas that I couldnt have before. The difference here is huge and I can see the results. I actually want to get on with it all now and believe that it will work. (I just hope it isnt too late - scrub that, I have just got to make it work!!) I spent some time reading some stuff from other addicts on some sites - so many are writers/people who work from home online. So many similar stories.
I have been wanting to write this down for a while and although it may not be related to all the topics here I have been thinking for a while about who are we - products of our genes? (I suppose this comes from me thinking alot about addiction being a trait passed on or learnt?) or what we make of ourselves? or both?
So heres one me - happy kid, successful, business owner, sold it and starting another (but more for lifestyle than $£ this time), good teacher and trainer, academic - well I have a degree and a postgrad teaching degree, happy marriage to strong beautiful woman, great life in a beautiful part of the world, triathlete. (This is what I always want to reply when people say - "so what do you do?")
So here's another me - only child raised by single parent (mum tried for children and had years of miscarriages) father died when I was 6 of leukemia, mum has suffered with depression all her life and tried to commit suicide 2x, she is a compulsive hoarder, I was a school refuser for 2 years, later my stepfather was an alcoholic (who wasted his life chances),I have no other family, I was average at best in most subjects - 'unable' to keep up in some others like maths! mum and step dad split after years rowing, I scrape into university - as you can do lots of sport it seems like a good idea! then with no real aspirations I fell into teaching, did ok at it, the worked as a trainer - did ok, fell into a business with 2 others, Mum becomes very ill for the second time) then I find she is and has been for a long time an alcoholic, after a few years stressed to the max I sell my shares in business and retreat to the countryside.Took a big £$ hit to de-stress and have a better life (the best thing I have ever done!!) BUT porn/cybersex/masturbation addiction had run wild!
The things that have happened to me that people would say were less fortunate mean that I am good at the things I am successful at. But people know nothing about these things. My best friend since I was 11 didnt know that about my dad dying or parents divorcing until he was at university and his parents split up. They congratulate for things like being good with teenagers but this just comes from not forgetting what childhood was like, or doing an Ironman but this just comes from deep down being really angry about something and sport has been my way of fighting back.
Anyway..... I think all that has been in my mind as I think where have the addictions come from? Does it matter? Maybe not as I am working through this and seem to be winning so far.
- IM1969's blog
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Comments
Thanks for sharing your story
And congratulations on your many courageous successes. I suspect everyone has a less than glamorous side of life, whatever their successes.
It's definitely true that childhood stress does have effects on the brain, although each person will be different, of course, and brains can always change for the better, too. That said, some of those stress effects have been linked to higher predisposition to addiction.
This makes sense because when you don't feel "right," your brain automatically urges you to self-medicate with something that makes you feel better. When our options didn't include drugs, Internet porn or junk food, this worked well.
We went hunting, hung out with pals, created something, or flirted with someone, etc. Exercise, for example, is one of the best mood regulators, so you were wise (or lucky 
) to focus on that.
Fact is, this is a screwy planet at the moment as far as human culture goes. It is not well suited to keeping our brains in balance. So most all of us need things like exercise, meditation, careful management of sexual energy, lots of friendly interaction, extra Vitamin D, time in nature, etc. to cope.
Sounds to me like you're doing very well considering the cards you were dealt. Bravo!
Thanks Marnia
It's nice to know peoples thoughts and I value what you say.
I will have a look at meditation and vitamin D (is that related to sunshine? I think I am affected by SAD?)
Funny that you say that about exercise - I started distance running when I was 9.
Without sounding "full of it" (as we might say in the UK) my friends say who I am the most well balanced and calm person they know so I am thankful that I apart from the challenges I am here for I am pretty much un-scathed. I think I wanted to hide all these things when I was younger but now I feel like telling people that are close to me.
All part of the journey - thanks again
Yes, vitamin D
is related to sunshine, and your body makes it automatically. But apparently it's helpful to supplement it in the winter because it's hard to make enough Vitamin D due to the angle of the sun.