4 Days--New Chapter

Submitted by The Fonz on Wed, 2010-09-01 14:09
Community topics: 
masturbation pornography recovery

So, as of 3 o clock today, I have gone four days without p/m. Not bad, but I was hoping to have gone more before school started.

I attended my first day of post-univeristy college this morning at nine (so, I had only gone three days and eighteen hours without p/m for my first day. smiley.gif" alt="smiley"/> at how specific i am.)

Last Friday night, I went out for a last night out with the people from my work. I smoked some pot with them. When I got back, I had back to back relapses. Lessons I learned from it: don't get high because it impairs my judgment. And be careful when you are particularly stressed are overwhelmed by emotion (I was emotional because I knew that would be the last time I saw my work friends, and I'd be moving cities and starting a new chapter in a few days.

Then, on the Saturday at 3, I accidentally stumbled upon a somewhat pornographic image, and then I relapsed yet again. Lesson I learned from it: be careful sfter a relapse because it triggers a binge response. Also, be careful of the media you consume. Also, if you do accidentally stumble upon a pornographic image in the future, you should look away, and then distract yourself with a healthy activity.

So ya, I'm all moved into a bachelor apartment now. I feel a bit overwhelmed by my new surroundings. Also, feel lonely and like I miss a lot of my old work people and family. I'm also intimidated about having to make new friends--something that doesn't come as easily to me as many people. Because of my social anxiety.

Cutting back on p/m has definitely helped with my social anxiety, and I'm hoping that it continues to do so when I'm here. I was hoping that I would be on, like, day 12 without p/m when the first day of school rolled around so that I would be "on" for it. And I wasn't entirely "off" today. I introduced myself to a couple guys in my class. I also smiled at a few girls on campus (Holy Moly there are pretty girls everywhere!), and got smiles back from them. One in particular was really flirty with her smile...like her smile didn't just say "hey there, I acknowledge you," it said, "heyyy, how you doin?" haha.

But other than these successes, I felt pretty anxious around all these new people, and I think I would have done better if I didn't have those relapses so recently. But I shouldn't beat myself up over them. I remember on the first day of university (about six years ago), I masturbated in my dorm room right before going to my residence meeting. That set the tone for the rest of my stay there. On the first day of post-university college, I abstained from porn and masturbation. Amd I'm hoping this sets the tone for the rest of my time here.

Wanting to have a good year here gives me new motivation to keep up my abstinence.

Wish me luck!

Comments

Submitted by Sid on Wed, 2010-09-01 15:40.

Thanks for the detailed update and congrats on being back to school! Great to hear about the pretty girls everywhere, too. Even better that you are noticing them and even catching a few eyes as well. smiley

Recognizing your feelings of loneliness and expressing them is a great way to help reduce the "charge" that those feelings can carry that might otherwise lead to old unwanted habits.

It sounds like you are doing great. Keep us posted!

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Wed, 2010-09-01 16:24.

Stress is a big trigger for everyone and a new school is always stressful. I bet you'll feel like socializing very soon.

*big hug*

Submitted by daventryHero on Wed, 2010-09-01 20:49.

Inspiring post! Love it!

-dav

Submitted by shaivit on Sat, 2010-09-04 03:00.

I have had a very similar experience in the past few days, went out with some friends and came back to smoke pot. Though I was not stressed, I still relapsed. I guess apart from stress, thrill seeking behavior (a tendency to live life along the edge) also contributes to this habit a lot, just like thrill seeking behavior leads you to smoking pot in the first place. In fact research says it is one of the major traits of people suffering from Depression.

One thing that really helped me was that I remembered not to binge even if I relapsed and it really feels much less frustrating after a while when u tell yourself that you had binged on all previous attempts but it was only once this time. Just feeling hopeful itself is quite good.

Gud Luck

Pleasure is only a freedom song, its not freedom in itself.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2010-09-04 09:18.

you're making progress and figuring things out. Bravo!

Submitted by The Fonz on Sat, 2010-09-04 18:54.

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. Good vibes and good luck to you in all your endeavours.

Just a little update: I've now gone a week without p/m. Pat myself on the back.

It was pretty easy except for today. I had some cravings and porn flashbacks, but I decided to sit down, and meditate and wait them out.

I'm still feeling pretty anti-social, but have been making small efforts to be more social. Smiling at people as I walk down the streets, making small talk with people I see from classes.

Feeling pretty energetic. I've been looking back on my days, and thinking, "wow, how did I get so much done?"

I've been getting into a zone with my readgings lately...it feels like my attention span is growing.

Wish me luck in my attempt to make it to week two. I'll keep you updated.

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Sat, 2010-09-04 19:08.

for the excellent report. You're hot stuff! smiley

Submitted by The Fonz on Sun, 2010-09-05 08:49.

smiley.gif" alt="smiley"/>.

Submitted by The Fonz on Mon, 2010-09-06 09:00.

If I make it to three o clock today, then i will have gone nine days without p/m. I think I might have had a wet dream last night...my boxers were moist this morning, and I'm not sure if it was from sweat or from...ahem (sorry for being so detailed, haha). Either way, it shouldn't matter...because my goal is to go for some time without p and m, not not without the big O.

Anyway, so I haven't relapsed yet...but I came across this great article on Psychology Today that I think is relevant in regards to porn relapses--even though it doesn't directly discuss relapses in the sense of porn relapses.

Peace and love.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/dont-delay/201009/relapse

Submitted by The Fonz on Tue, 2010-09-07 17:03.

So, I had a relapse earlier today. I'm trying to heed the message of the article I posted above, and forgive myself for it, accept it, and learn from it.

In order to try to undestand why I relapsed (to help me learn from it), I am going to explore a bit what was going on in my mind prior to the relapse.

I had just come back to my apartment form an early-morning class. I was feeling a bit horny, considering I'd gone nine plus days without masturbation and porn, and also considering the fact that I was a bit hot and bothered from all the girls in the class with their nice legs on display (I can't wait for Fall when these girls trade in their daisy dukes for some modest pants...smiley, I never thought I'd say that).

And, whilst being hot and bothered, to pass the time, I started reading online about subjects that iterest me: mindulnessa nd body awareness. In my readings, I came across this quote written by a psychology professor.
"Long term denial of one's embodied being and the consequent suppression of body sense is risky, leading to habitual activation of judgmental and negative thought patterns, over-activation of the hypothalamus leading to high sympathetic arousal and tension in smooth muscles of the internal organs, and suppression of urges leading to persistent tension and pain in skeletal muscles and thus higher levels of cardiovascular disease, high blood pressure, gastrointestinal diseases such as colitis and ulcers, persistent muscle pain, and respiratory diseases such as asthma. "
When he writes the phrase "supression of urges," I took it to mean urges like the physical urge to yawn, eat, cry, or have an orgasm. And, thus, I took it to mean that supression of orgasm is unhealthy.

I think that the addict side of my brain used this as an excuse to relapse. But I also feel that there's a part of my logical brain that isn't entirely convinced that it is healthy to cut back on masturbation and to cut out masturbation-aids like pornography and fantasy. No disrespect, Marnia. In fact, I'd say that, after reading your work, as much as 95 per cent of my logical brain is convinced. Also,you shouldn't be offended because, you must realize that your ideas (though you do note that karezza-like practices have been in use in ancient Asian traditions_ are fresh and new and non-mainstream and radical-seeming to young people like myself who live in a post-Kinsey, post-sexual-revolution world. A world that celebrates frequent orgasm and liberal sexual identities. And so it may take me a bit of time to unlearn what mainstream culture has taught me. I really want to unlearn it; I really want to be 100 per cent convinced, instead of 95 per cent, but I'm not quite there yet.

But anyway, after reading this article, I decided to "listen to my body," and give in to the urges. I relapsed on porn and masturbation, and, it felt really nice and stress-relieving and right for a bit. But then I started feeling anxious and awkward.

I think this relapse was pretty necessary for me, and it may lead to discoveries that will help me in my future attempts at abstaining. Two of my beliefs clashed a bit. One, my belief that it is important to "listen to the body." And, two, the belief that it is beneficial to cut back on masturbation and to abstain cold turkey from porn. And I think these two beliefs needed to clash for me to be able to move forward. I still haven't entirely gotten the two beliefs to gel together in my mind, but I think that this relapse will cause me to think about it more. Once I figure it out, I think I may be able to progress even further than nine days.

Any insights?
Peace and love,
The Fonz

Submitted by The Fonz on Tue, 2010-09-07 19:16.

Nooo! Relapsed again tonight when I couldn't get to sleep. Damn binge trigger response. Sorry for these manic posts. I will come back on and post again in, like, a week when I've re-gained some equanimity.

Peace and love.

Submitted by vm22 on Tue, 2010-09-07 19:58.

Try getting past two weeks. Once you get past it, things start to settled down. The urges are not as strong. Keep that as motivation. You can do it!

Marnia's picture

Submitted by Marnia on Tue, 2010-09-07 21:36.

The doubts are normal, and you're right about our current culture. Just keep making your own experiments and you'll find the right balance for you.

And remember, you're under a lot of stress right now. It's good stress, but it's still stress. So if ever you were gonna talk yourself into something, this would be the time.

*big hug*

Submitted by The Fonz on Sat, 2010-09-11 12:55.

Thank you both.

vm22: I will let you know if I can make it past that two-week hump. Send me good vibes. I'm going to need all the help I can get.

Marnia: You're right. It's pretty understandable that I would relapse under these stressful conditions, and so I should be gentle with myself.

Peace and love.