Remember your first husband? Always hot to trot, held doors open for you, could get an erection in the wink of an eye (especially from you), brought you flowers for no reason, wanted sex several times a night; three nights in a row wouldn’t be too much. The kids started coming along. Things got really hectic, but he loved the kids as much as you, and there was no doubt about his love for you. Still lots of steamy sex. You’re in the business of fertilization and procreation and ain’t it great?
Sometime after the youngest child got past the toddler stage, husband #1 seemed to disappear, and in his place another guy – looked just like #1, but there were some things quite different. He seemed to lose interest in home matters. Took up golf. His job got more demanding – lots of travel. Sex became a routine thing that you did once a week if one of you thought of it. Not much excitement here. You think (hope?) he never fooled around, but there was that bikini babe neighbor that you didn’t like that was always so friendly to him.
The years flew by. The kids grew up, went to college. In your mid-forties, you had a blast of estrogen that really heated up the bedroom. You were doing it like rabbits again – for a couple of years. That passed and you entered menopause (oh God! lets not go there.) Husband #2 began to have trouble keeping it up and started taking ED meds. Finally sex just got to be too much trouble and it was the same old same old. So what? Who cares? What libido? You still have sex occasionally, but its mostly hand jobs for him – boring. He still seems to want it a lot – you wonder if he’s doing it for himself when you’re not around?
Who is this guy? He looks just like #2 – ok, he’s a little bald now and his joints are a little creaky, but he’s still in pretty good shape. (Face it girl, you’re no Lady Gaga either.) He tells you he’s heard about something called karezza. He doesn’t need to cum any more. In fact he doesn’t want to – go figure – you thought he lived for orgasms. (You haven’t had an orgasm in years. Did you fake it back then?)
He says that his sexual energy is dissipated when he ejaculates – the Chinese knew about this thousands of years ago. And that modern science is supporting the avoidance of orgasm and that there may be something like a hangover afterwards. Who would have thought?
All of a sudden, he wants to snuggle – on the sofa watching TV, in the kitchen, in bed – but then … no sex. What’s up? He wants to hug for no reason. And nice little kisses. Hell, that’s what you’ve been wanting for thirty years.
He says you’re not making babies anymore (well duh!) and your love life should mature to something called bonding behaviors. Lots of skin-to-skin contact, gazing into each other’s eyes, synchronized breathing, cradling, spooning, stroking, touching sexually with intent to comfort. Who is this guy? You’d love to do those things with him.
But then he tells you he wants to karezza. Huh? OK, here comes the weird stuff. Paddles, handcuffs, toys? No, he says it is gentle intercourse without the goal of orgasm. He says all the cuddling builds an emotional bond between you; breaks down walls of separation and builds up trust. But that you still need a reliable way to ease sexual frustration. You can have intercourse, but like in slow motion, and you cool it when one of you feels like an orgasm is approaching. For some, intercourse is optional and the sexual lovemaking can take place by fondling, or by sexual contact without penetration or with oral stimulation (but be careful – oral can get too intense very quickly.) But if somebody cums, it’s no big deal. You just enjoy it and try to learn from it.
• No more long sessions for you trying to get him to cum.
• You spend a lot of time cuddling each other, without necessarily leading up to sex.
• He will once again worship the ground you walk on.
The Bad – no there is no bad, it’s all good, but there are some:
Things to Remember
• He does need lots of affection, especially touching.
• He likes it when you initiate it.
• He still needs sex.