Hi Sunlee,

When we give workshops, I am always amazed that some of the couples who appear to be the happiest are the ones who rush up afterward to learn more. It's clear that even if they are happy, they feel that some kind of improvement would be very welcome.

I, too, have been conducting an informal poll for years, trying to see how couples get around the sexual hangover problem. But, when I've really gotten to know people in marriages well enough that they can talk to me in confidence, it almost always turns out that one partner or the other (or both) is not very content with the situation. Usually the infrequent sex that you describe is the primary problem, but the alienation can show up as emotional friction, or an addiction problem.

With the divorce rate in the States at nearly 50%, and other countries' rates climbing, it's clear to me that there is a fundamental problem between men and women. It makes sense that it's an evolutionary program since it's so common, and has been observed in hunter-gatherer tribes, too. We are designed to separate...if we don't do something differently. Traditionally (for the last few thousand years) the sexes didn't separate by divorce; they separated in other ways. Often women were used as broodmares and men had mistresses if they could afford them.

Couples distance themselves in other ways as well. They may live apart, or live together and seldom have sex. Without realizing it, they may be avoiding the sexual hangover problem. At present, the best compromise that the planet offers is a marriage between good friends who occasionally have sex. Yet, I can't help but wonder whether those kind, loving couples would be able to tap something really profound and satisfying using the Taoist approach. Certainly my relationship is happier than any others have been, and it is the same for my husband.

Your second post is very interesting. I find that TV and pointless movies make me go flat emotionally. Maybe that's because I'm usually focused and busy the rest of the time.