♥Has anyone tried speaking to older children about bonding vs. mating

Submitted by Ahimsa on
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(I was not sure where to put this question.) My husband and I have just recently come across Reuninting and are enjoying all of the insights and wisdom it holds. We've been married for 26 years and have four children aged 13, 18, 21 and 24. All girls except for the 21 year old. As they grow and explore their sexuality and learn (or don't learn) about the pitfalls of sexual energy, it would be wonderful for them to at least be exposed to some of the concepts contained in Reuniting, especially in terms of dating and courtship, choosing a mate and all of those things. I did some searching on the forum but could not find anything specifically on how to introduce these ideas to your older children. Is there a resource on the site or elsewhere that would help with this?

Many thanks--and all blessings to you Marnia as you continue this healing and important work.

Hmmmm....

That's an audience we haven't been writing for, but I agree kids need to know about the power of bonding behaviors. Could you work from "The Lazy Way to Stay in Love?" http://www.reuniting.info/lazy_way_to_stay_in_love The alligator story is probably something they could relate to. Or this crocodile one: http://ticotimes.com/costa-rica/crocodile-man-sarapiqui-tarzan Kids might like learning about monkeys, too: http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201011/staying...

Gary is a parent, with a son 21. I don't have children. I think his view has been to give kids only the basics, but to model lots of touch and interaction both with child and mate...and then let them learn for themselves. He's very hesitant to say much about karezza, lest he make orgasm something to feel shame about - although he doesn't try to hide it either. His view is, "Kids pretty much have to bump their heads for a while." I hope that's wrong, and maybe you'll come up with a better approach.

You might find some of the basics in this presentation useful. Even though it's ostensibly about porn, it's really about the limbic system of the brain and how its impulses can be deceptive. http://yourbrainonporn.com/things-you-didnt-know-about-porn We've also laid out the basics of the science of mating and bonding in Cupid's Poisoned Arrow. You can read the first chapter here. It may be suitable for younger folks, too: "Biology Has Plans For Your Love Life" http://www.reuniting.info/cupids_poisoned_arrow_chapter_1

Let us know if you find (or create) anything helpful.

I have had similar thoughts...

I have a 14 year old nephew with whom I have a very open and honest relationship - he knows he can talk to me about anything, and sex hasn't been any big deal to discuss. Very cool, open, intelligent kid. Since I've learned about all of this, I've had similar interest in wanting to pass on the knowledge of brain chemistry as it relates to sexuality, especially, since he *is* a young man and therefor at risk of falling victim to the woes of porn addiction (especially since porn is soooo accepted in our society today). Porn was so taboo when I was his age, but he tells me that while it is not something the kids let their parents know about, that they have really easy access to it and are getting into it with regularity. I wonder about the young brain development with and without such stimulation, so frequently. I wonder...

Hmmmm....

Thanks Marnia. We will look at those. (Cupid's Arrow is on order--not available at our local bookstore unfortunately.)

Just to clarify, though, we are wanting to speak to our oldest children (18, 21, and 24) who are sexually active--not to convince them necessarily to follow a certain programme but to give them a deeper understanding of what is happening when they enter into a sexual relationship, present some alternatives, and help them make sense of the feelings they experience.

We will see what we can find in those resources you offered and in the book when it arrives.

Thanks

My daughter just turned 19 and...

I gave my daughter Cupid's Poisoned Arrow a few months ago before she turned 19.

I told her it's a book that pretty much describes what I see her doing naturally with her boyfriend as they sit on the couch and cuddle together. Then I went into a little more detail but not much and told her I hoped she'd enjoy the book. I'll find out if she has anything to say about it. I also told her about this website. :)

I have two boys 18 and 20

I have two boys 18 and 20 and have talked with my older son when he was 19 about karezza and practicing non-orgasmic love making. As a man I almost consider it my duty to educate my sons in the ways of bonding behavior sexuality. Its information I wish I had when I was young, dumb, and full of cum.

My son was very receptive, completely grasped the idea and took to it right away. I waited until he was engaging sexually to talk about it so he would have a reference point to work from.

I think the key is about the quality of the relationship we have with our children. Sex can be a difficult and awkward subject to discuss and good respectful communication has been the key for me in being able to talk about sex frankly and openly.

I have talked to both of them about porn, how much it as sunk in I don't know but they do have the information. When my 18 year old becomes sexually active then I'll have the karezza conversation with him as well.

We appreciate everyone's

We appreciate everyone's comments and insights and agree that once young people become sexually active, we have a responsibility to at least introduce these ideas for them to consider.

Meanwhile, we have a lot of learning to do ourselves.

Discussion in early stages

"Dodging Love's Heartache" is good summary of CPA with a personal example and perfect for my 25 year old daughter. I've given her the book and told her that she and her boyfriend both need to read it. We've begun a discussion but we're in the early stages yet. She's not yet reading the book. She's reading others that I've also given her~lol. She's a critical thinker so I anticipate she'll have lots of things to say about the book.

What a great question you asked, Ahimsa. I've enjoyed reading how other parents are handling this. Karezza is much too good to keep to ourselves!

"Adopt the pace of nature; her secret is patience."
~Ralph Waldo Emerson