Older virgins

Submitted by freedom on
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This might be linked here somewhere already as it isn't a new article. The article and comments might interest some. http://www.salon.com/life/feature/2006/09/06/virgins I can see how the lack of non-hook-up dating in college is making the divide larger for many.

There's also http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/all-about-sex/201106/are-there-reall...

Is anyone else bothered by the terminology "involuntary virgin?" There are virgins who have not had opportunities, but I don't see how that is involuntary. It is different to have had opportunities and chosen to remain a virgin, but at the end of the day, beyond a certain age, many begin feel a bit awkward.

And from a comment here, http://themodernsavage.com/2008/09/30/the-dilemmas-of-male-virgins/ , would people be more comfortable discussing being an older virgin or PMO addiction?

I am...

"Disgruntled virgins" might be a bit more apt, since it encompasses those who have had no opportunities and those who do have opportunities but choose not to accept them (like me). It can also imply exclusion of people who remain celibate for religious reasons.

Yes, they are out there...

and the term you'll find used is "involuntary celibacy", or "incel" for short. There is some debate about when celibacy is involuntary or not, but in general if someone wishes they had a partner, but can't find one for whatever reason, that is sufficient to be incel. Is it a perfect term? No. But it fits me. Yup, I'm the "40(-something) Year Old Virgin". And there are others.

Often, incel goes hand in hand with social anxiety, self-esteem issues and depression. The writer of the last article above even mentions some of the "messed up" thoughts that almost kept him from losing his virginity. Well, for some, those kinds of thoughts become overwhelming, and they can't act. Or social anxiety is so bad they can't even approach women in the first place, or the fear causes them to run the other way. Or depression and poor self-esteem cause them to see rejection before it's even happened and never approach, or if someone is interested they fail to notice/misread/rationalize away those signs of interest.

Yes, being and older virgin carries a stigma, and stuff like this (from the last article):

There is no reason for a guy to remain a virgin into and past his late 20s. The only real exceptions would be some major physical or mental handicap, but that would make up only a small minority of the male virgin population. Most of these guys are your normal average everyday men. Yet, for some reason they just can’t figure out how to get laid. You would think that after so many years, a guy would at least get a little random action or even a pity lay.

certainly doesn't make a guy (or girl) want to open up to anyone about it.

But not every incel even has those issues. In fact, my situation is much like the movie "40 Year Old Virgin", in that some experiences with ED when younger created so much fear that it would happen again that I pretty much avoided seeking relationships at all, or if one developed, to break it off before it reached the point of physical intimacy. At the time, I had no idea porn was such an issue; as I got older I had this back-of-the-mind suspicion that it was harmful to pursuing a real relationship, but didn't really bother to try to change things until I found YBOP and this site.

My incel is definitely related to a type of porn addiction, but not all incel is.