Still pushing onward

Submitted by 20UK on
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I don't update as often as I would like to these days but I'm trying to occupy myself as much as possible, plus my social life has grown in heaps and bounds lately.

When I first came to reuniting, I was terrified because of an addiction to what I *thought* was just a particular type of porn/fetish, now, having "un-wired" this fetish, I've come to realize the core damage that regular porn did to me is still very much intact, its still got its pull. I use "regular" lightly here, as really to an addict regular porn isn't regular at all.

My attraction for women returned to the level it used to be, this was a fantastic and amazing feeling, I was on top of the world! ..Until I realized I was still addicted to porn, just not the type I used to believe I was addicted to. You can un-wire every porn induced-whacked out fetish you acquire and you'll still be stuck with the main problem that you have to deal with eventually, porn itself.

Its funny, but my mind is so much clearer, I remember so much else like when I first started with all this and how even then, I was masturbating A LOT. There's the joke that teenage boys masturbate all the time, but looking back, I actually WAS. I strived for pornography even from a very young age (12-13) and would constantly seek it out. But I didn't get the porn, masturbate and go out and socialize like other kids, I would masturbate to it as much as I physically could until I was so exhausted I would just fall asleep.

It intensified considerably as the internet came around and you can guess what happened from there. I can't believe I didn't realize I had a problem back then, it seems so obvious to me now, but as they say, ignorance is bliss. I think the fact that I was still in puberty played a role in the addiction, considering I was still growing/mentally developing, I think hardcore porn was the last thing my mind needed.

In any case, things are so much better, but I'm not quite there yet, I'll try and blog as often as possible and hopefully have some very good news next time!

Thanks for reading! :)

Comments

Thanks for sharing

This "I'm hooked on masturbation" theme has been very popular this week. smiley It'll be interesting to see what you figure out. Here's a bit of what I wrote to another guy earlier, just in case any of it is useful:

Orgasm is a neurochemical fix, too. Ask Tiger Woods. smiley (Although he may be getting off on the neurochemical rush of the hunt/seduction as much as the orgasm rush. Another neurochemical "fix" - in his case apparently.)

Anyway, looking back, I'd say there was a period in college when I was hooked on masturbation myself. Couldn't sleep without it, etc. Interestingly, before I figured out it was messing up my moods, I started experimenting with meditation. By the time I figured out there was more to orgasm than just the "high," I was already feeling much less driven. So I didn't have a big inner conflict about letting it go.

So you might try meditation, as an indirect strategy. both meditation and exercise have been shown to balance the part of the brain that is causing the trouble in the case of addiction. (Plenty of science on these two on YBOP.)

Also, over the centuries, men (primarily) have developed various techniques for rechanneling sexual desire when it kicks in. Seems this isn't a new problem. *grin* I was always a pretty high libido woman, so I explored them, too, and they did help somewhat. They kind of "spread" the horniness so it's not all stuck in your genitals, demanding your full attention.

One friend of ours taught them to his son (who had become hooked on porn). He told him, "Whenever you feel the urge, stand up and do the 6th Tibetan rite!" Next time they were in a church, his son sprang out of their pew into the aisle and started doing the rite. *chuckle* Must have been a cute member of the choir or something. Anyway, here are the links to various exercises of this type, in case you want to explore them: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-solo-energy-practices.

Also, men for centuries have used the trick of running cold water over their genitals to cool things off effortlessly.

Hi Siberia

Thanks for sharing your story. It's fine to post anywhere, and I'm sure 20UK will be interested to read it when he returns. (He doesn't check in that often these days. Feel free to PM him from his account page if you like. Just click on his name.) I've also enabled you to start your own blog, because some guys find it helps to journal their progress. You can put a link to this post of yours in your first blog post if you like.

First stop should be the sister site that my husband created around the turn of the year. We gathered a lot of material on "HOCD" there: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ask-us-iam-attracted-to-gay-transsexual Basically, you've probably linked anxiety to arousal...which is a tricky association to unhook if you're still using any porn at all. That's because Internet porn overstimulates the brain...creating a sort of "hangover" afterward, which (paradoxically) makes cravings worse than normal horniness...and so you need more and more extreme, or anxiety-producing material. See "Why did my porn use escalate?" http://yourbrainonporn.com/why-did-my-porn-use-escalate If you have desires, learn to masturbate without porn or porn fantasy. See: "How do I masturbate without porn?" http://yourbrainonporn.com/how-do-i-masturbate-without-porn

Now, here's the thing about your post that I find really...potentially wonderful. You may find you can function more normally than you ever thought possible when you get your brain back in balance. When you have time, read through these self-reports by men who stopped porn: http://www.reuniting.info/download/pdf/0.BENEFITS.pdf

Looking forward to hearing more about your journey. All the best!

Thanks for the reply

Thanks for the reply marnia.

I've read alot of those posts when I was really having a hard time and it helped alot.

yeah I understand what you mean by linking anxiety to arousal. Its exactly how it feels. One thing that I feel is different for me is the need to search for more extreme material. I've never found it at all intriguing and never will. Its just this one genre that tricked me and clicked something in my brain that wouldn't normally have happened and its completely anxiety driven. I've never really enjoyed porn, It was just better than nothing I guess.
Its a shame that Im in the situation im in, If i could be able to do active excerise(I used to love the gym and seeing body results) it would help a huge amount!!

one last thing marnia! what do you mean by 'Now, here's the thing about your post that I find really...potentially wonderful. You may find you can function more normally than you ever thought possible when you get your brain back in balance.'?
Even though im not sure entirely what you mean, I actually feel the same way.

thanks

I mean that

you may notice improvements in your cfs just by changing how you manage your sexual energy. Be sure to read through those improvements in that PDF. I think you'll see what I mean. Too much stimulation of the brain's reward circuitry has all kinds of weird and (not so) wonderful effects, which only become evident when someone stops PMO for an extended period (and starts substituting the rewards the brain evolved to find).

Even one "weird taste" *is* a form of escalation, even if you don't fit the "escalate to all sorts of genres" pattern. Quite honestly, you don't know if it will be your last. smiley More than one guy here found that when he exhausted his sexuality with tranny porn, it lost its appeal and he had to look for something else that shocked him.

Did you read this man's blog? http://wankie.tumblr.com/ Your tastes are meaningless once you move beyond your normal tastes. They really come down to your brain chemistry. They fade when you stop using porn. Can you avoid it for a couple of months?

Meditation seems to work just as well as exercise as far as rebalancing the brain goes. In fact, there are lots of techniques you could use here: http://yourbrainonporn.com/tools-for-change#tools

thank you for the

thank you for the information marnia. I will try as best I can, as of now for this entire year i just try to have week breaks from PMO and I see huge changes within 5 days so I can imagen 2 weeks would really be huge for me. I didn't use porn on the 6th day and no fantasy and it was one of the best orgasms ive had in a long time, alot better than with porn thats for sure.
I think ive caught this quite early considering the effect not even a week had on my body. I will read the new links you have showed me, thank you :)

p.s. last time i tried a filter It made me think more about porn than without, It would block a site like google and i would instantly think of porn because its there to stop it. I could reinstall it but this time round, do random numbers and delete it? would you recommend doing that?

I don't have specific

recommendations. But a lot of the guys here have made suggestions and I've collected them over on YBOP.

If I had a condition like cfs, I'd commit to two months of no porn (which probably means no MO for a while either) and see what it will do. There seems to be a major turning point for many guys around two months. Could have something to do with a protein that promotes relapse, which apparently clears out around then. Until that turning point, you really don't know what no PMO can fully do for you.

As you may have seen, researchers are finding out that muscle fatigue starts in the brain. So do a lot of porn related symptoms: anxiety, depression, concentration problems, sexual performance problems, lethargy, apathy and so forth.

Find out what your options are before you settle for a lifetime of cfs.