(John G) my wife and I are trying the 'three days between intercourse' regimen. My wife had acquiesced to daily or near-daily intercourse. But, after two consecutive days with accidents, and the resultant draw down in my energy levels, I was motivated to try something different.
From books, the recommendations on frequency of intercourse vary widely: daily is okay per Weor, Lloyd recommended intervals of five-to-seven days, Stockham was an outlier at once every two weeks-to-four months; I do not remember seeing a specific frequency recommendation or limit in Chia's or Gordon's books. So far, Marnia's recommendation of three days seems reasonable and beneficial.
I think the scheduled intercourse is a relief for my wife; now, she realizes that my physical touch is not a veiled request for sex. So, she seems more open to spontaneous, intermittent hugs and the like.
(Maso) Stay aware of your body and your partner’s. It is easy to get worked up in the moment and forget the main objective was not to orgasm—this speaks directly to your “genetic promised land” comment. One of you plays “monitor” for awhile. You know what your partner’s “O-face” looks like, their breathing, whatever; the monitor calls a flag on the play and you slow down. Then when things have cooled off you start back up. Self awareness becomes easier the more you do it; you will not even think about—sort of like driving your foot automatically goes to the brake. Then you alternate who is monitor the next night.
Watch your breathing; this is something I read regarding Tantra. You can slow your whole body down by relaxing and slowing your breathing. I am certain you can find plenty on this technique somewhere.
Relax your stomach muscles, something else I read somewhere. I think this is more effective for a man than a woman. At least for us, my girlfriend finds breathing and centering about her chest to help more than the stomach muscle thing.
Keep trying different things that people suggest until you find stuff that works for you—pretty soon you realize, “Hey this works”. We have read things that we both go WTF, everything isn’t for everyone.
(Shannon) One little trick my former lover used to use was something like (as I recall hazily) beginning intercourse with using the top of his "lingam" (penis) to circle around the entry to my "yoni" (vaginal entry) several times and then make a slow, shallow entry; then he' circle the head of the lingam around several times again, but one less time, and then another gentle, deep entry. I think he started with 9 circles around the entry to the yoni, subtracting one with each round. The effect was hypnotic for me, extremely sensual, and effective.
(emerson) When I used to masturbate, I would edge. That is, I'd get close to orgasm and then back off. Using porn. But with Karezza, on a scale of 0 to 10, 10 being orgasm, I stay around a 6 or 7. If I end up more at 8 or 9, that's very "edgy" and doesn't feel right the next few days. In other words, my brain seems to respond to it like an orgasm and I have negative fallout. I don't feel as good about my wife, I may feel tired and cranky.
My advice is to enter your wife slowly. Spend time hovering around her entrance. Play around there for a bit. Then go in a bit more. The fact is that all this "technical" advice is a bridge from here to there as once you get it, you'll have your own playbook and you won't need mine or anyone else's.
Then when you are really inside, linger. Stop. Pause. Savor her. Some movement is nice. Sometimes stillness is nice. If your penis gets softer, then do a bit of thrusting as that will make it harder again.
Strive for a not-rigid penis. That may be nice at first, but the best erection is kind of a semi erection, mostly erect but still not rigid. That is what feels best to you, and I think to her.
Now it's a matter of just being with her, savoring her. I focus on making sure I'm nose breathing. And my mind's eye is on my root, the relaxation feeling directed at my perineum, or pelvic floor. Tighten your muscles as though you were keeping in a bowel movement and trying not to pee, and those are the muscles that I am focusing on relaxing. Not seeing them, but feeling them relaxed.
The more I focus there, the more the pleasure is drawn up into my body but not if I look at or strive for that pleasure. Only if I focus on my root and sort of observe the pleasure out of the corner of my mind's eye.
(treehouse) For me, with karezza the entry is everything. Whatever happens after that is pretty much secondary, and is all themed after the tone and quality of the entry. Its important you get the entry right. Here's what it typically looks like. After lots time doing of several of the following, eye gazing, pole holding, genital cuddle, massage, kissing (during thee last half of which i have the bottle of oil warming under my armpit, cold oil is not nice), we are at this point laying in scissors or near scissors, we will at some point get a sense that the time is right. I don't really know how to describe how i know, in the beginning i deferred to her, now i just know.
So I then pour some oil on her pubic area, she rubs in it well, takes her time, and this warms her engine nicely. That she does it is important. Creates intention. Prior to this i have no erection at all. I pour a second lot of oil for good measure. As she rubs this in i come to about 40% erect . After maybe a minute, then she pours some on my penis and gently rubs that in too. Now i'm maybe 60% erect. She takes it and just inserts the head. Then we get comfortable on our pillows (she wipes her oily hand on a towel that i previously placed by the bed) and just lay quietly, as my erection grows the rest of the way slowly slowly growing into her. At the same time she's opening, starting to lubricate, and the penis rather than being pushed into her is /drawn/ into her. Its a magic sensation, of little creeps, and ripples.
If you get this right, then all that follows falls into place by itself. The entry sets the entire tone.The entry itself should take at least 5 minutes, but we have gone as long as 20minutes. By the time of complete entry, when your pubic bones meet, and get glued together, you'll have this wonderful almond oil, precum, vagina juice emulsion, which is the stuff of a very happy hour.
If there's a resistance. Don't force it. Either try some more oil, or find out whats not flowing and why, and fix it, or wait til another time. Forcing it will only lead to an unhappy session.
(Rachel) The main thing I have to say is that once you and your lover learn to be present and conscious (with no external intruding thoughts), with your minds focused on your genitals and your bodily sensations, you will find there is no right or wrong way. Things will go the way they need to go and for as long as they need to go.
You will probably end up being amazed at how time passes. We can be together for what *feels* like 15-20 minutes and then discover it's been over an hour or so (easily~~there have been times where we've stayed connected over 2 hours and even fallen into a sublime sleep in the middle of it all).
As far as positions: choose comfort. The best position is one where you both can completely RELAX your bodies. We usually start out in missionary (but it's very triggering for orgasm for both of us), and then roll over onto our sides with legs wrapped around each other. Then we'll switch sides or I will be on top. The key is to try to not disengage while you roll around (which is fun, and funny, and should be something to laugh at, which we do).
In the mornings, we tend to gravitate toward scissors because it is soooo relaxing and we're already very relaxed. We will shift where my leg is (over his, under his, etc.) and sometimes change our angle. The nice thing about this position is that we can talk and look each other in the eye.
And talking: most of our talking revolves around saying what comes to mind at the moment (how things feel). It is good to say those words out loud if you can. I love knowing what he's feeling at the moment and he loves hearing me say what I'm feeling, too. There are times where we'll lie in an embrace and just talk about something else, too. But for the most part, we do try to spend that time focused on the moment at hand and not on outside conversation.
Soft versus hard entry: We usually try soft entry when we are both really tired, but still want to connect anyway (like right before dozing off to sleep at night). The soft entry usually becomes hard entry pretty quickly, though. No matter how tired. Once you are fooling around with lubrication (which is always on the nightstand) and so on, it usually isn't long before the penis responds. But we have inserted his penis completely soft and I really enjoy feeling it grow inside me.
Kissing: We kiss a lot. It gets us both in the mood and we both enjoy it so much. When I am kissing him, I am also allowing my focus to go to my vagina (relaxing it). That, in turn, will cause his penis to respond. I love for him to kiss my breasts, too, and that also causes his penis to respond, lol.
As far as oral, we don't do it nearly as much as we used to and now the intent is so much different. Every touch we give is done in a way so as not to arouse, but to feel nice (to the giver *and* the receiver). It is hard to explain, but there is no hungriness and no urging forward toward orgasm, so it's all just very slow and delicious. But let's just say we both sometimes get kissed and licked *all* over our bodies.
As far as length of time, again, you'll just *know* when it's time to end. You might have something you need to do, or you both might just feel happy and satisfied. OR, you might need to stop because you are getting too close to orgasm (I don't like stopping like that. I like for him to stay inside me until his penis is soft and then we gently part).
We've had "quickies" where we connected before we had to go to a party (a really nice way to start your evening!) and we've also had mornings where we've been connected for 2-3 hours (rainy mornings are nice for that).
As far as it being awkward to lie there in stillness—yes, it would be if neither one of you were focusing on all the wonderful sensations you were getting through your genitals and instead, thinking about the weather—that is why it is so important to be aware of your own body. Because it is FAR from dull!!! Things are happening that you can't even believe are happening, and it feels so good if only you can stay in the moment and feel it. There are pulsing, throbbing and electrical charges—and moments where you can feel every little nerve and cell in your body.
The longer you do it the more sensitive you become. In the beginning, you might thrust and move more, but eventually, you get to where you cannot do that much movement anymore. You don't need to move that much.
My lover says he moves when he feels like he needs to—his penis just seems to know when to move and when to be still. It also seems to know where my little tight spots are and how to heal them. It's simply amazing.
Tantric Sex for Men talks about how the penis becomes snakelike (partially erect) so that it can conform to the curves of the vagina. And it does. And it feels WONDERFUL. It explains a lot of what we are trying to say here. And you will see this is the universal way the penis and vagina will communicate with each other once they are allowed to do so.
TIP: If there is a chance that karezza sex is going to be one-sided, it truly is best to forgo it—as the partner who is not ready or willing at the time will *not* be fully participating. It will feel very lackluster. I know that in conventional sex, therapists will say "Just start doing it and you will get into it," but with karezza, since you have to be there not only in body, but in mind, if a partner is too tired, distracted, whatever, I think that's a good time to just cuddle and bond.
More: One thing I wanted to mention is how much the woman can play a role in a man's "out of nowhere" ejaculations~~my beloved can go a very long time (hours) without ejaculation, but if *I* let my mind go there (thinking about having an orgasm) it can be enough to set him off with no warning (there are many times when he's not anywhere near orgasm and one can just suddenly happen if I *pull* him that way).
Something I do now that really, really helps us both avoid having an orgasm (and makes lovemaking even *more* pleasurable for us both, if that is possible!) is form the thought/word "give" when I feel my body wanting to suck him into orgasm. I think of the word "give, give, give" while also relaxing my vagina and "giving" toward him with it~~pushing toward him rather than pulling him in. A woman's orgasm usually starts with an upward-flowing tension, so this really helps release that tension. And the release of any tension increases the pleasure tenfold, IMO!
(Darryl) From my experience, karezza lovemaking is so individual there are really no rules. Each couple finds there way from feel. Its about as Zen as it gets. I think of it as a meandering river: You just get in it and see where it takes you.
With that said, here's our general routine. Morning is without a doubt our karezza time. The day is fresh and whatever "stuff" was roaming around from yesterday is usually washed clean. We start with cuddling and some times even a little talking. If there is something on either one of our minds, we like to share it so our minds and emotions are present, not distracted.
We like stroking, and I don't mean genitally, although occasionally. It's mainly back, arms, legs, head, almost light massaging. We do this while embracing face-to-face, often on our sides.
I don't know if I have ever done soft entry. She just turns me on too much. By the time we're embracing my penis is at attention.
In general, we like it face to face, we both love the full body contact. Occasionally spooning or sissors. Pretty much every day, figure about an hour on average. Almost never less than a half-hour. If all we have is a short time, we pass and save it for when we can really indulge. Karezza quickies just dont seem to cut it for us.
One of the best parts is that it's always evolving and changing, over the month, over the years. It never stays quite the same. You'll find your way as well.
I think its natural for a guy to be direction/action driven, its often how we get things done. Sex can be a funny thing as so many emotions get stirred into the mix which make good judgement difficult. I use this line "am I serving myself or the relationship with this thought or action" as a guide. If, when I check inside, its serves me, I wait. If I feel its really serving the relationship, or better yet, is this serving the feminine, then I move forward, rechecking my motives as I go. Even if I discover self serving motives while doing this its easier to get back on track when I keep the self awareness. A good pilot requires the compass of true service, in my opinion. Who and what am I serving. I believe the man's true masculine place is in service to the feminine, not the other way around as our culture has taught us.
Its easy to get out ahead of where the feminine is residing. Back up to the point where you're getting those genuine "yes's" of her invitation and feminine expression. You can feel where that is.
(Marnia) What really matters is your own discoveries. Positions don't matter, although comfort does. There are a bizillion positions in the Richardson's books. Have you read Tantric Sex for Men, for example?
For new lovers who are "hot to trot, " I recommend scissors position, because it's not "explosive." It's pictured above, and also in this presentation, which might be useful to introduce the concept to a new sweetheart, as it explains why one might like to try another approach to lovemaking.
We generally start with lots of kissing and touching...for at least 15 minutes I would say. Gary mostly touches my breasts; I often hold or squeeze gently his penis. We connect when we feel like it. Usually Gary has an erection, and pretty much always has one by the time we finish connecting...even if we decide to try soft entry. I kinda like soft entry because it's fun to feel the erection grow inside me.
We often enjoy a gentle rocking motion while on our sides. The movements are small, and neither fast nor slow. Something about relaxing completely, while gently moving, is deliciously, but not too intensely ;-), arousing.
If we relax into stillness, his erection tends to fade and then grow again as we become more active, but the feelings of "meltiness" seem to continue irrespective of the hardness of his penis. In other words, the delicious feelings aren't movement related; they're awareness, or energy-flow related. I feel a tingly energy throughout my abdomen and in my lower back, and sometimes it runs from my knees to my throat.
I'd say a minimum of 45 minutes would be good. It can last as long as you like.
During karezza, I think about being receptive, about feeling the desire to have him deep inside me, about the "melty" feelings, about how much I love him...and how nice he smells. We don't do much talking, but we share a few words - often playful. We change positions often - generally from side to side with a stop in missionary in between. There's not much in-and-out movement though.
Casual sex is not likely to yield successful karezza because usually too many sparks are flying, and both partners aren't on the same page. I do have one friend who has successfully persuaded her partners to use it during casual sex. Her story.
We no longer schedule our sessions, but that's because we try to make love every day...and generally do. When our lovemaking was more vigorous, every day was sometimes too much. Not sure why. Skipping a day, but snuggling anyway, was very effective.
It's really important that you experiment and find what works for you. Also be aware that what works may change over time as you become attuned to more subtle feelings. Every book I've read on karezza has slightly different suggestions, which tells me that precise technique is less important than basic concept + refinements of your choice (and your sweetheart's choice).
(Anonymous, via private message) We've been practicing karezza for months. At this point, I say, "Don't plan to have sex." We have found that there are real ebbs and flows. I'm not always in the mood and neither is my other half. Sometimes I am and she isn't and sometimes its the other way round. Then there are times when we both are and the earth moves etc. During these times I have learned to be dominated, used in a way that is not like bondage or anything like that. It's just in sex I was always the one doing the doing. Now my wife likes doing the doing, and I love that and love that I can enjoy it too.
(treehouse) If you follow the prescription laid out in The Heart of Tantric Sex, at least in the start, you wont have an urge to ejaculate. I know you don't believe me, but i very much find that if you begin in stillness, you tend to stay in stillness. (Later on, we've been experimenting with some movement, but from a place of calm.) I realise that what im saying above is at odds with what many think. Everyone knows what a fine line there is between coming and not coming, in conventional terms. But that is exactly my point "In conventional sex" that is so. But with karezza/tantra-as-Diana-defines-it, you both operate in a radically radically different paradigm. It's like night and day. By using comfortable positions that allow relaxation of the body, focusing on the little sensations rather than the gross ones, by not clutching the pelvic floor, by breathing fully and consciously, by tapping into each others energy, you operate in a vastly different paradigm. One where even the thought of ejaculation, never mind the worry, is just miles and miles and miles away.