This is my first blog post, thank you marina for letting blog. I am 18 years old, I discovered pornography quite early on in life around 10 or eleven years old, I remember from the earliest moment I always was turned on by pornography. I would look at pictures of naked girls, and stuff, it then elevated to hetersexual video porn, then like most, I discover lesbian porn, I felt WOW! to gals getting it together, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world....but soon the effect of it wore off on me, and I was looking at stuff such as girls MBing or using machines to penetrate themsevles...(sorry for being graphic)...I even gave beasitality pornography a try. But soon, it felt like I needed more and more, I was always turned on by the porn, but I always needed new porn and novel porn to turn me on. That was when I started to notice, I was losing my libido, I started to feel I couldnt fantasize about women and get turned on, because I had seen it so much in the pornography.
Was I addicted to porn? I dont know how to answer that question, but hell I watched alot of it...could I quit? I could, but it seems like me mind is so jaded by the sexual material, I cant even get turned on. I use to be able to fanatsize about girls for as long as I can remember, and only did I watch porn for a while, I couldnt do it anymore, it just seemed so boring...to say the least. I use to be excited about sex, but after I watched porn for a while, it was just so boring...That was initially how my HOCD started, I found sex to be boring, however my HOCD was rather weak back then, and I had no problems dealing with it.
But the real problem came was when I discovered tranny porn, it turned me on, and I watched tranny porn, it became even more disturbing as my story goes on, was when I discovered......sigh....cringe....gay porn.....I hate fantasizing and watching those two types of pornography, one because I find it to be disturbing and quite disgusting....but for some reason, it provides me that "mental kick" as I would describe it when I MB and nothing else seems to provide that kick so well now. I know from history I am not bisexual or gay, because up to the day I discovered gay porn, I was still madly in love with a girl at my high school. And every since I was 7 I always loved girls, and not once did I take notice of a dude, and even till today, I have never taken notice of a dude. Its just not me.
But it seems like, over night I shed everything that is me, I cant love girls now, because I am always worried I am turning gay, and also my HOCD is so strong sometimes, I start to really believe I am turning gay. But always after the spike, I laugh at my fears. Of couse I use to browse alot of HOCD forums online, and I have never read a person with a HOCD problem like mine. But now I know there are lots of people like out there, after I found this site. For me, I am working to reboot, I have started actually last week, but ended up with two relapses of MBing. But that was when I was not truly committed due to the indecision in my mind, should I continue to watch this stuff till I get bored of it? or should I reboot? But after some very professional advice from gary wilson from your brain on porn, I have realized I will strengthen this problem by continuing it. So now I am fully committed to rebooting. I have set some goals to achieve, first is the 4 day goal, which is this sunday, the next goal is september 7th, the next is the 30 day goal in october. I am taking this step by step. My eventual goal is to reach the end of this year dec 31 2011 without a relapse.
So this is the end of the first day since my last relapse. I do not feel that much better, there is still that urge to MB. And those stupid disurbing and disgusting sexual thoughts keep on being intrusive and popping into my mind randomly. My HOCD is alot better, because I feel like I understand why this is going on. And also, it feels so good to have a goal in mind, and that flame of hope has been once again re-ignited in me. I get anxiety when the sexual thoughts pop up. I wish they would stop. So this will be my blog from now on to document my progress. Please share your experiences,