HOCD Gay/Transexual porn reboot First blog post

Submitted by TheGeneral on
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Hey everyone,

This is my first blog post, thank you marina for letting blog. I am 18 years old, I discovered pornography quite early on in life around 10 or eleven years old, I remember from the earliest moment I always was turned on by pornography. I would look at pictures of naked girls, and stuff, it then elevated to hetersexual video porn, then like most, I discover lesbian porn, I felt WOW! to gals getting it together, I thought it was the greatest thing in the world....but soon the effect of it wore off on me, and I was looking at stuff such as girls MBing or using machines to penetrate themsevles...(sorry for being graphic)...I even gave beasitality pornography a try. But soon, it felt like I needed more and more, I was always turned on by the porn, but I always needed new porn and novel porn to turn me on. That was when I started to notice, I was losing my libido, I started to feel I couldnt fantasize about women and get turned on, because I had seen it so much in the pornography.

Was I addicted to porn? I dont know how to answer that question, but hell I watched alot of it...could I quit? I could, but it seems like me mind is so jaded by the sexual material, I cant even get turned on. I use to be able to fanatsize about girls for as long as I can remember, and only did I watch porn for a while, I couldnt do it anymore, it just seemed so boring...to say the least. I use to be excited about sex, but after I watched porn for a while, it was just so boring...That was initially how my HOCD started, I found sex to be boring, however my HOCD was rather weak back then, and I had no problems dealing with it.

But the real problem came was when I discovered tranny porn, it turned me on, and I watched tranny porn, it became even more disturbing as my story goes on, was when I discovered......sigh....cringe....gay porn.....I hate fantasizing and watching those two types of pornography, one because I find it to be disturbing and quite disgusting....but for some reason, it provides me that "mental kick" as I would describe it when I MB and nothing else seems to provide that kick so well now. I know from history I am not bisexual or gay, because up to the day I discovered gay porn, I was still madly in love with a girl at my high school. And every since I was 7 I always loved girls, and not once did I take notice of a dude, and even till today, I have never taken notice of a dude. Its just not me.

But it seems like, over night I shed everything that is me, I cant love girls now, because I am always worried I am turning gay, and also my HOCD is so strong sometimes, I start to really believe I am turning gay. But always after the spike, I laugh at my fears. Of couse I use to browse alot of HOCD forums online, and I have never read a person with a HOCD problem like mine. But now I know there are lots of people like out there, after I found this site. For me, I am working to reboot, I have started actually last week, but ended up with two relapses of MBing. But that was when I was not truly committed due to the indecision in my mind, should I continue to watch this stuff till I get bored of it? or should I reboot? But after some very professional advice from gary wilson from your brain on porn, I have realized I will strengthen this problem by continuing it. So now I am fully committed to rebooting. I have set some goals to achieve, first is the 4 day goal, which is this sunday, the next goal is september 7th, the next is the 30 day goal in october. I am taking this step by step. My eventual goal is to reach the end of this year dec 31 2011 without a relapse.

So this is the end of the first day since my last relapse. I do not feel that much better, there is still that urge to MB. And those stupid disurbing and disgusting sexual thoughts keep on being intrusive and popping into my mind randomly. My HOCD is alot better, because I feel like I understand why this is going on. And also, it feels so good to have a goal in mind, and that flame of hope has been once again re-ignited in me. I get anxiety when the sexual thoughts pop up. I wish they would stop. So this will be my blog from now on to document my progress. Please share your experiences,

Comments

Welcome

Keep that hope alive! Even in the tough times. Staying away from porn, doesn't matter what kind of porn, is difficult in the beginning. Don't give up and do check in with us. I always tell people to immediately delete their stash because I'm the first one to admit that I thought I could "moderate" porn use and keep it around...that was before I knew anything about a "reboot" ect. So if you have a digital "stash" it's gotta go. Also think about installing a porn blocker and make a really hard password and put it somewhere that's out of the way. Just a few tips for ya.

I know nothing about HOCD but I do know that porn can mess with the brain and I advise finding some healthy activities you can engage in when you feel an "urge" to watch porn or masturbate (or both.) Take a walk, jog or run. Visit family or call a friend when you feel that urge. Get a hobby that takes you away from the computer for a while and engages your competitive or athletic side. You see where I'm going with this? Exercise or meditation are terrific positive activities that can replace your porn habit. I know it isn't easy but stick with it because you will get results if you plan in advance for the tough times and have something in place when it arrives.

Hey thanks

Yeah, thank god I dont have a stash of this stuff, its nasty enough, I dont want this garbage on my computer. I do have a small collection of lesbian porn though, I have taken your advice and deleted it.

Day By Day

Check in every day for the first week or two if you have to. This community is very supportive.

And yes--do a total reboot. Put your computer in the attic for a while if you have to. It's worth it. You need some time off from all the overstimulating video so your brain can begin to get back to balance.

It's hard to resist, but find a way. We're here for you, rooting for you.

Welcome to the forum man. I

Welcome to the forum man. I developed HOCD as well and I didn't even escatlate to gay or tran porn. It is hell. I've posted a few times about hocd in my blog. Check it out if you get a chance. I think this porn thing is exceptionally hard for people with hocd. It's like your brain's trump card to keeping you addicted. For me, after 10 weeks, it has almost completely gone away though. Always try and keep positive. KNOW that in time it'll get better.

We're here for you. blog whenever!

When I first came here there

When I first came here there were a lot of guys with HOCD, escalation to gay and trans porn and several of them helped me and relaxed me by offering advice, so if you need my help, or just want someone to vent your feelings at who has been through a similar situation, feel free to PM me. :)
Maybe one day when more people come in with HOCD you'll be the one helping them! :)

The good news is, your story is very similar to mine, aside from the gay porn part. I was heavily into transexual porn but I can honestly say that I have no desire for it anymore. So if I can get off it, you can as well as I was into it for about 5 years and I'm only 21.

It also may interest you to know that this isn't just a one way street, it isn't uncommon for gay men to develop strait or even lesbian porn fetishes, there were some on reuniting and I've seen them all over the web on various porn addiction websites. I think that is probably even worse than our situation, for us its a tiny annoying doubt that makes us doubt our sexual orientation, for a gay man, who has never fancied women, who has hid his true feelings from society, then had the courage to come out to find that he may be attracted to women after all.. Well, thats got to be down right horrible.
But the truth is, the guys in question aren't turning strait, they aren't *really* attracted to women, they're just in the same boat as us, but in reverse.

As for the HOCD, I don't know if what worked for me will work for you, but I followed these steps:

- Ignorance: Don't research anything on HOCD, don't learn about it, don't study other cases. LEAVE IT ALONE. (Some would say that this isn't defeating the problem, but to be quite honest you won't have a cat-in-hells chance of beating this while your addicted to porn, for you, because you escalated to gay porn, "gay" is connected to your porn use, so "embracing" the spike like many therapists suggest probably isn't a good idea! At least until you've kicked the porn, but by then I speculate the HOCD will have faded a lot, like checkitout mentioned above.)

- Time allocation: Study when you are most likely to spike, for me it was during the evening (because thats when I usually went on 5 hour porn binge, coincedence? I doubt it.) and during that time, make sure you have something planned, even sat talking to a family member away from the computer, or call a friend or relative, go for a long walk/exercise, etc.

- Spiking: If you are starting to spike you need to apply some safety measures immediantly, OCCUPY MODE is my main safety measure. I call it OCCUPY MODE and put it in capitals because when I spike, I say "OCCUPY MODE" in my head and imagine a big neon sign with it written, I then do something-Anything that requires physical and mental energy, like doing sit-ups while solving a math problems, even counting while lifting weights would work. Enter OCCUPY MODE for around fifteen minutes, in the back of your head, imagine the "OCCUPY MODE" sign and do whatever you have to do. After a while, the spike will be over.

Sorry about the length, I hope I've been of some help, though.
If you have anymore questions or anything, feel free to PM me as I said, also be sure to check out anything Marnia and gary throw your way, those two are very knowledgeable on this sort of thing and have seen porn addicts come and go to this site for years. In a nutshell, they know what their talking about!

Good luck! :)

@20UK

20UK,

How long did it take you to reboot? Did it all go away? Like it did it go back to like how you felt before you discovered this stuff? I am going through some serious withdraw symptoms...but I am determined not to relapse. I had a major spike today, I read castaway's blog. It was not the right thing to do...I try to be optimistic, and sometimes when I dont get anxiety, I dont find this stuff to be arousing at all. But the anxiety just amps up everything. I just dont feel attracted to men.....I dont...I love women too much. Sometimes, when I am in a good mood, it feels like this garbage would just filter out of my mind....and I can be me again.....Thank you.

-TheGeneral

@everyone

Thanks everyone, to honest, I woke up this morning and I wasnt expecting so much responses! Thank you. All of you have been great help to me.

Its a mental illness

Hey, its a type of mental illness, commonly known as Obssessive Compulsive Disorder, where the sufferer overly obssesses over fears. HOCD is just one type, where the sufferer is afraid that they are going to "turn" gay. Although, they are not gay or will ever be gay. OCDers can obssess over a whole range of things, such as fear of germs, fear of having disease, fear of losing control and turning violent, fear of their spouse not loving them or that they do not love their spouse anymore, and etc...OCD can take bewildering forms. In some extreme cases, OCDers might even commit suicide due to the intolerance of the unknown. Almost all HOCDers have always been confident in their sexual orientation before they developed OCD. Almost all HOCDers know they love the opposite sex, and have no feelings toward the same-sex, however they still obssess over it. For a normal person, it would be easy to dismiss these fears as irrational, however OCDers are incapable of dismissing these fears as they their own mind play games with them to try to convince them that they are gay. Which creates what we OCDers call a spike, which is rising anxiety due to HOCD. Spikes are terrifying for OCDers, as it seems that they are being cornered and have no way out. This idea of a person obssessing over irrational fears maybe hard for the normal person to grasp, however believe me, it is quite terrifying, it feels like your brain is locked in this loop of obssession and compulsions.

descreption

thank you, General!

Reminds me of a post I read here some time ago, about a guy saying there is something dark in him, almost like being posessed... maybe we even listed it as a symptom? But the dark is going away the more you get yourself back. He wrote that, and I know another person who had something like this. Reminds me of the "flyer", too (Carlos Castaneda).

We are not helpless, we can get ourselves back together and the "flyer" will be sooo annoyed. Why don't you try praying sometimes, or do you? I know that the 12-steps-program against addiction works a whole lot with prayer, and it works! If you don't like to pray to the father in heaven, pray to Jesus, or pray that LIFE may help you if you don't like religious concepts. But abstaining is the other part of it!

Do you take medications?

hmm, I've never actually

hmm, I've never actually tried praying...and no I am not on medication, my parents dont have insurance, and it is just too expensive for me to afford. I am actually finding abstaining becoming easier and easier. Today is exactly the 7th day I have not relapsed. Still sometimes get the urges. But it is alot less than the first few days....I hope this HOCD goes away, because I am starting to develop a liking for a girl I met at the orientation day at school....maybe she will take my mind off this OCD. I hope so.

sigh...relapsed

Well it is exactly the 7th day, I was good for this morning, but I was watching television, I started getting urges, I tried to imagine the red X, but I just couldnt, and I relapsed. Damn it. I was so good for the last 7 day. Now I am back at square one. I am a little discouraged...to say the least. But I will get on track again.

Hmmm..

First, you're not back to square one. You have already started rewiring your brain.

Second, what kind of porn did you use?

Hey

haha, good news, I got off on heterosexual porn. What got me aroused in the first place was, I was watching pawn stars LOL, and they were selling a vintage marilyn monroe playboy magazine, and the dude was flipping through the pages, and I just starting to get urges. But truth be told, it still does not deliver the anxiety that the other stuff do. But if you go back like 2 weeks ago, I would have had complete erectile dysfunction if I tried heterosexual porn. I think I am making progress, and yesterday night, I was fantasizing about having sex with a girl, and I kept on getting urges, so I went and poured water on my weewee. I am back on reboot. It also feels like my arousal for hetersexual porn is sluggishly coming back. The arousal for the other stuff is still here. But it has only been a week. I hope it will go away.

Yes, you're

definitely progressing, but "testing" with straight porn is not wise. UK20 will tell you all about that. Wink Internet porn is what leads certain people's brains to the need for escalation. They don't see the problem until their brains snooker them into getting off to things that, for whatever reason, freak them out. But the problem isn't the weird tastes that developed. The problem is that your brain is sensitive to addiction-related brain changes. For you, Internet porn is a problem. The more you use, the more you will escalate. Give your brain a rest and find other ways to deal with your urges.

Glad to hear about that girl. [ok]

yeah, I have more

yeah, I have more determination to keep on going. LOL. Didnt meant to really test myself, I just sort of got urges when I saw marilyn monroe (I know this is funny) nude in the magazine on the television show pawn stars. LOL. Should I classify this as a relapse? Anyways, I cant wait for school to start, I want to get to know her a little better. And work from there.... :). For some reason, it feels after the 7 days, my brain is becoming more and more sensitive to sexual material, it use to be I need the really really hardcore stuff to get aroused, but now, like a picture from a vintage 1950's playboy magazine could bring urges....LOL....I guess in a way it is a good sign....I am determined to not mb and to avoid anything sexual till the end of the year......This time I want it to work for me...I want a girl friend pretty bad.

Great description

I think it's worth noting that a number of guys here who stopped porn remarked that their OCD was much improved. In many cases, I didn't know they were even struggling with such worries. Now, who knows if they had "real" OCD, or some less intense set of symptoms.

But I can't help wondering if today's heavy use of porn and overstimulation of the brain isn't causing some of these seemingly unrelated ailments.

Anyway, be optimistic. You may be feeling like a new man in a matter of a couple of months. Smile

I hope so

Sometimes, when I am in a good mood, it feels like this garbage will just leave my mind....almost float away like a cloud into the sky....but that is only when I am happy. Everytime, I am stressed out, this garbage returns to take advantage of the stress.

TheGeneral, as I said

TheGeneral, as I said earlier, I haven't rebooted yet. I've avoided transexual porn for months and it no longer arouses me because I've avoided it. In response to your question it was a gradual thing, I didn't just wake up one day and go "Eww.. Transexuals are gross" far from it, they don't disgust me now, but they don't arouse me either. Its basically just a matter of not thinking about the porn you've viewed, thats all. Because its an "artificial taste" it can be un-wired pretty easy, for example, its not like I encounter transexuals everywhere I look. I think I've seen maybe 1 or 2 in real life.

I think you really need to relax and stop worrying about this. Everytime you write a post while anxious and spiking with your HOCD, you are just compounding the problem, if you get HOCD do anything but think/write about it. Its hard at first, believe me, I know, but you have to stop thinking about it. Exercise is good for this, just go for a run, keep running, don't stop don't think just run.

TV

throw it out of your window! (but check first if there is somebody walking downstairs Wink )

Problem about TV is that the well-set triggers they put there are pouncing on you out of nowhere. There is so much about sex on TV.... don't watch MTV, it is porn nowadays.

so maybe you find the courage to put your TV in the attic if you don't wanna throw it out of the window. Or you put it into ebay Wink
It's really not worthwhile letting yourself being triggered and relapsing.

And yes, there IS life after TV, I live without for more than a decade and I really don't need it AT ALL.
Hope you are progressing again, thanks for your trust!

The porn crusader

Yeah, I hate how there is sex references in every show, especially MTV. I stay away from Much music too. NVM television, there is so much sex reference in music too. I hate it all. I dont listen to radio, because every song there is sex in it. I turn on the weather. Guareenteed sex free broadcasting. For some reason, the last relapse has made me feel even more determined. I feel like there is anger building up inside me aganist this garbage. I dont know if this is a good sign. But it is driving my determination through the roof. I have so much determination that I want to scream out how determined I am to rid myself of this garbage. Sorry if this making me sound like I am going nuts. I find it just easier to ignore everything OCD tells me, haha, I dont feel like a porn crusader, but a crusader aganist porn.