About me: I started MOing when I was 13-14 and PMOing right around the same time. I had no interaction with girls at all in high school. It wasn't until the very end of my freshman year in college that I had my first kiss. Over the next five months I had a good phase with girls. I "hooked up" with another few girls in the summer and returned to school for my sophomore year. I ended up meeting a girl. The first night we hung out we hooked up. Several days later we had sex and I lost my virginity in an awful fashion. I got hard and had sex with her for roughly ten minutes but couldn't keep it up and was beyond embarrassed. I ended up staying with the girl for roughly a month with similar problems until she broke it off. I haven't had sex since then (I'm a senior now). I have hooked up with 3-4 girls since then with either a 60-80% erection or nothing at all. Whenever I hook up with a girl I am anxious and self-conscious. Stopping PMO will hopefully allow me to reverse the trend I've had. I never had problems with erections until sophomore year. My PMO kicked into overdrive my freshman year and into my sophomore year, right up until I lost my virginity. On 9/14/11 I made my first legitimate effort to stop PMO. I made it nearly three weeks before caving. I went off and on throughout October. My last PMO session was on 10/21. I've struggled with other addictions in my life, and if I can give a piece of advice, it is to take the time to identify your triggers. For me, PMO triggers are boredom, anxiety (I'm afraid to talk to girls and approach them, which is why I've spent years in the world of PMO and had sex with only one girl in my life), weed, which makes me incredibly horny and temporarily overcome my anxiety and porn induced ED, the addiction to visual stimulus, boredom, and extended periods of being alone.
Day 5 (10/26/11): I'm in a flatline currently. Nothing excites or stimulates me. It is a weird feeling. Anxiety comes and goes but I read that that is part of the dopamine withdrawals. It is almost funny how even though I know flatlining is part of the process that I still feel as though something is wrong with me. I must say that I do feel better despite absolutely no libido. The lack of visual stimulation has been good for me. I feel a lot better now that I am getting away from it. While I am still tempted to PMO and flashbacks still come into my mind I am confident that I am finally going to overcome this. I have met a few girls that I am interested in; however, given my high anxiety, ups and downs with porn induced ED, and necessity to reboot I haven't done much of anything with my girls of interest. I am planning on waiting it out until I feel that my reboot is complete. I don't want to rush anything. I want to make sure I am ready before doing anything. I think that I am in my flatline period now, something I am going to struggle with. That being said I am excited to overcome my current state of anxiety and lack of libido.
Day 7 (10/28/11): ONE WEEK! I made it one week. I'm in a weird flux between small spikes in libido and general flatlining. Yesterday I managed to strike up a conversation with a girl on the bus. We talked for the entire ride back (only ten minutes). It does not seem like much but for me that's progress. I felt confident, and unlike in times of PMO, I overcame any reservations I had to talk to her. I wanted to talk to her because I thought she was cute. I woke up with morning wood, which is unusual for me. Furthermore, I thought about her again this morning and felt a slight to moderate arousal. I got a semi-erection and was thrilled, because that RARELY happens to me. While the flatlining is weird I'm loving it. I used to smoke cigarettes before quitting in December of 2010. While quitting was difficult and at times frustrating I ended up enjoying the detox process and the feelings of improvement. I'm hoping to keep this up (no pun intended) and continue to make significant progress. I'm excited to report this progress and to make more strides. It is really nice to see how time away from visual stimuli has positively impacted me. I still fantasize a bit, but I'm working on getting rid of that as well. I recently tore a ligament in my ankle so my ability to work out and get out any anxiety and pent up sexual energy/thoughts is temporarily unavailable; however, I should be able to resume light working out sometime in the next few weeks. I recommend to anyone who reads this to work out and get some semblance of exercise. If I spent the same amount of time working as I have PMOing in the past I would look like Brad Pitt a la Fight Club. Until next time...
Day 8 (10/29/2011): I'm currently having a real craving to PMO. I got a rush a few moments ago and I rushed to my computer. I am so determined to overcome this addiction that instead of going to my usual plethora of porn sites I am coming here to blog about my feelings and to read success stories. Good News though: last night and this morning I had two different female friends come over. Both of them gave me massages sans anything sexual. I was delighted to say that I had some activity from my sixth man. I know that sounds weird but I'm attracted to both girls so when taken in that context it is hopefully less weird. My craving temporarily passed :) I'm going to continue to work on this. Working on reducing fantasies but thoughts of previous porn keep popping into head. A LOT. I guess this is part of the withdrawal process. I don't know if I'll ever get the thoughts completely controlled but I'm sure trying to keep myself under control.
DAY 9 (10/30/2011): WOW. I just got another surge of horniness and a strong erection. I've had this feeling all day in my groin and I couldn't help but touch myself. It was only for a couple of seconds but the response is immediate. I was overwhelmed. I put a condom on and was STILL HARD and continued to gradually M but no O. I stopped after two minutes or so. I was still hard when I got off my bed and walked to the bathroom. I put cold water on me and it helped slightly. I then decided to come back here and write. It is helping me. My urge to PMO just now was infinitesimally small compared to my desire to continue to M with no fantasy and just really on sensation. I feel incredibly sensitive down there. It is nice. I must say I'm concerned about having premature ejaculation with a girl as a result of my heightened sensitivity but I don't want to jump the gun (no pun intended) and think about getting with a girl when I'm still in the early stages of recovery. This has been a really weird nine days but I know it is all worth it in the end.
Same day: So the cravings kept on. I was overwhelmed and caved. I MOed with no P and on virtually no fantasy. It was all very light and tight. I lasted all of two minutes. The only reason I gave in is because I have a very important test tomorrow for one of my classes and I couldn't concentrate. I feel bad/relieved.
Anyone have any thoughts/suggestions as to how I can overcome this feeling in the future or how you guys managed to get through this? Also, I know that most guys have concerns about performance and premature ejaculation. I am in the group of people. Any thoughts as to how I can manage this and not have such a quick trigger?