66 days to go (25 in)

Submitted by Visage on
Printer-friendly version

Today I realised how booooooooooooooooooooring the reboot can be, I'm as motivated as ever, but boy does it drag on, the lack of libido that is rather than not wanting to watch porn/fantasises, both of which I find easy. I'm quite an impatient person, may be thats why, additionally morning wood was back down to 60% today so that may be having an impact on my thoughts,

I amended my spreadsheet today, to scatter around my 5 or 6 benefits and triggers for failure against random dates along my 'path'. I kinda like that (it helps motivate me and keep me on the path) as I had done it on a few dates anyway and its nice to read a random reason as to why i should quit.

I'm going to see if i can work out how to do an advent calendar type entry so i can enter them for all days in december to Christmas, if i do that now hopefully I will forget about what the entries were by December.

I'm working from home today, perhaps that's adding to the boredom, may be i will rent a movie tonight to give me something to look forward to.

Despite the boredom, still very motivated...4 weeks is just days away now...I think around 5 weeks is the longest I've been, but I don't fully recall.

Vis

Comments

I hear ya man!!

When you are a type A+ personality like me (and it sound like you as well) impatience drives you NUTS. Unfortunately this isnt a process we can speed along in any other way than to not relapse and perhaps spend time with a cuddle buddy. It sounds as if you have implemented some tools to help you at least "feel" like you are more in control, thats great. My answering of other peoples posts takes my mind off "me" and boosts my motivation.

Continuous effort - not strength or intelligence - is the key to unlocking our potential.
Winston Churchill

No speeding on this path.

No speeding on this path. This has to be the way it is. Fairly slow and not always fun. The old habit wants our attention and wants us to relapse. This makes for so much discomfort. I had no idea. I think anyone trying or succeeding in this is very strong and brave. Those that have attempted to reboot before and relapsed and tried again, wow, so strong, courageous. I don't throw these words around lightly, it would be easier to just give in, but we don't!!!

Visage, you have given me so much encouragement and strength when I have been in need, you have played a big part in my now -34days- without PM. I don't think I could ever thank you and all the other supporters adequately.

It's all about the journey

You'll go where ever you're going as you stay on your path. Doesn't matter when or how your get there...as long as you heading in that direction. Boredom was definitely big deal for me as it was habit to rub one out in those solitary moments. Don't let that simple urge detract you. You're stronger than impulse! Keep it up!

You guys are

all right, thank you all for you r comments. I guess this is just another trick the mind is trying to play (after failing on the initial physical withdrawl and odd flashbacks of fantasy/p.stars it's now trying to convince me that life is boring.

Tomorrow I think I'll do some gardening and get out of the house, keep myself busy.

I guess this is an important part of recovery too, something has to fill in the void that PMO used to occupy, now is the time to find those somethings Smile

Thank you again for all the supportive comments Mr_8, fcjl8 & ldhw. aAs already said on here, if it weren't for all the supportive comments on here, abstinence would be very lonely and a lot harder.

I occupied my time by reading through YBOP, i think that helped, though some statements in it gave me undesirable flashbacks lets say, but i snapped out of them quite quickly Smile

Onwards and upwards
Vis

Got the same problem Vis,

Got the same problem Vis, the exact same problem. You put it right: boooooooorrrddom. I guess it's a sign of our brains resetting to reasonable levels, after being exposed to huge spikes pre-rebooting phase. We all know what those spikes were caused by...

I've also found ordinary talks extremely lethargic and uninteresting. But I'm hoping this is a passing phase, and eventually ordinary things will become far more rewarding.

What have you been keeping in your rebooting spreadsheet?

I like your idea of an

I like your idea of an advent calendar, I think ill have to get one for myself. Have a little reward for each day of success... Or binge out on crappy chocolate if i fail haha!

Boredom is a killer! My day has been pretty uneventful so I get you. Right now Im home alone at the computer. So, this is when id generally beat off to fill in the time. But for me now, it would be 15 minutes of fun then a lot longer being bored still but pissed off over a relapse. So, definitely not worth it!

Good morning WR,Smokey, Marnia

Thanks Marnia, it took me ages to come up with..............nothing Smile

Don't worry, i know what you meant and it's a good'un Smokey Wink

WR,

The reboot spreadsheet is a columnn with the date, the next column, the day (Mon,Tues) and then the number of days I have abstained. The day I change to how many days I have left to go before I hit 90, e,g today Sat I will change to 65, I also change the fill colour to green so it is like a bar chart.

This feels quite rewarding to me and i do it in the morning to reflect the coming day (so it motivates & reminds me not to fail) I allows me to spend a few seconds/minutes in the morning dedicated to why I am doing this (a kind of hi-tech meditation i guess lol).

Along the dates I have certain milestones in yellow with black bold writing, none are more than around 10-12 days to make them achievable...example "6 weeks in, only 2 before you're in recovery territory"

Any blank areas (remaining unused columns) I have randomly in bold pasted my benefits for staying on track, some are personal some are general like "being a more patient, relaxed person", some benefits are ones I want (namely physical) others are ones i know i've had in previous reboots or am having now, this helps remind me it is working.

Yesterday for my advent calendar (no chocolates yet, but once they're in the shop i will put an entry in my spreadsheet to reward myself with one each day in Dec) I inserted a comment on most days in December (i may extend to all days), I can not see the comments unless i pause over the cell so I'm hoping I will forget the comments by then, in fact I have already forgotten most of them and it was only last night lol, let alone the order of comments.

Another nifty thing...while I was bored I discovered more inspiring reboot accounts on YBOP and on this site, I've already put in a link into the odd cell comment with a link and "today you should read this". I'm actually going to extend this to November as these are great reminders of what we can achieve if we stick with this and in my previous experience after wk 3 boredom/complacency/frustration of no progress can all kick in leading to edging then PMO, something I am looking to avoid.

Keep busy this weekend guys, I'm going to complete some DIY and go out window shopping, i have nothing i really want to buy but at least its a relatively stress (mental) free activity. I'll also fit in a weights session today/tomorrow.

-Visage- Another amazing

-Visage-

Another amazing post. Can I get you to be my coach. You have such a way of putting things, Nice and honest but with clinical precision. Are you a doctor?

Enjoy the window shopping and success with the weights.

Be well Brother
fcjl8

Hi WR

Don't consider it stealing, I share as much as I can so that others may learn from me and in turn they correct/help/motivate me.

I also noted a couple of videos put on my Gary & Marnia last night, I haven't watched those yet and have added them in a comments pop-up on a couple of days, It would be great if there was enough material or inspirational reboot stories to have one for every day, making your mind concentrate on a reboot story on the issue in general for a few minutes every day does wonders for staying on course, in the past I've relapsed when I've stopped visiting this site and reminding myself of the benefits

Hence the reason for the spreadsheet, crossing my wall calendar just didnt work for me, I can't write to much on it as there is not much room, nor do i want others to read it and to be honest I've only realised how PC/Internet dependent I am so the Spreadsheet is in my face every day the calendar is not. I'm hoping to reduce my Internet use next sat when I will only have access to the internet elsewhere when there is family around, but until then I'm going to milk it :P

Todays update 64 days to go (27 days of no PMO)

Had a very strange night, I had a PMO dream, I also without my concious knowledge used hand relief then I woke up, I then had two more fantasy dreams before I finally woke up and realised my first wake up, was all part of the dream, checking 'downstairs' proved there was no discharge. I went to sleep for a few hours more (the night seemed to go on for an eternity) and I woke up with what I previously described as a 80%-90% erection, I'm not so sure now if that is an accurate description. Hard enough for penetration and when lying down felt like 80%-90% but when standing up, only parallel to the floor..

My problem is that in my adult life I've either used Porn 99.99% of the time or have been so worried about my erection when having sex was more concerned about just 'shoving it in' as soon as it got remotely hard in case it went down. So the last time i paid true attention to what my normal state of erection is was back when I was a teen and that may no longer apply.

The parallel state only lasted for a few seconds again and then....well it's kinda like the curtains slowly closing at the theatre/cinema i guess Smile

As I'm not even in 'recovery territory' I am confident I will see more

I'm concerned that this may have (minimally) hindered my progress, but again i just see this as another trick the brain is playing, It's tried pretty much everything whilst concious it's now trying to get me to remember erotic dreams which is beyond my control, hopefully when it realises i wont react I will stop having them or remembering them.

I also note reading only yesterday about a couple of my fellow PMOers having similar dreams, I wonder if that planted a seed as I've never had one of these before...and I've never had a wet dream in my entire life. I think it was related as my second dream was in cartoon version of my favourite fantasy which is odd for me, but i remember someone saying they played a lot of computer games and watched a lot of anime, it was like the latter with a twist Wink

Vis

-visage- I also have never

-visage-

I also have never had a "we dream" before (honestly don't want one either) just the one weird "flashback' type dream image which was so quick and I stopped it. They are very powerful , having these dream images I was not happy for a few days afterwards.

fcjl8

Cheers

Cheers.

Visage wrote:

, in the past I've relapsed when I've stopped visiting this site and reminding myself of the benefits

Hence the reason for the spreadsheet, crossing my wall calendar just didnt work for me, I can't write to much on it as there is not much room, nor do i want others to read it and to be honest I've only realised how PC/Internet dependent I am so the Spreadsheet is in my face every day the calendar is not. I'm hoping to reduce my Internet use next sat when I will only have access to the internet elsewhere when there is family around, but until then I'm going to milk it :P

Same - hence why I'm trying to visit this site daily.

On the Internet/PC dependence thing, I realised a similar thing a month or so ago, BUT only very recently realised it was more an Internet dependence thing, rather than a PC one.

I got rid of the Internet from my PC, and although I did spend a bit of time on it at the beginning, by the end of the week I'd hardly touched it. It proved my suspicions.

I suspect

I'll be following you on that one, it will be interesting to see how much time I spend on my PC without internet, I suspect none...I'm not a gamer any more and for music I have an Ipod. I just fell that I'm constantly hammered by 'waves', if it's not the wireless/internet it's the monitor/tv screen, microwave or mobile phone..I just need a break, I feel my mind is not a fraction of what it used to be when i was 14, concentration span and ability to absorb information is nothing compared to my youth, now I know that deteriorates with age, but I'm only 36 not 76 (I know 76 year olds with sharper minds/better memory than mine).

Information

I have noticed I can retain pictorial information significantly better than pre-reboot. Discovered it by accident when I looked at a diagram in a text book and realised I did not need to look at it again as I could still recall the image in good detail. Can also remember faces better. Text base information is not so good so am going to experiment with more imagery.

Try it Vis and see how you get on. Would be interested to here back.

Maybe its just down to being more awake.

Explanation anyone?

NM

yeah good call

boredom is...boring. for me sometimes the impatience to get it over with was worse than the cravings themselves! but hey when its over you won't remember the boredom

Great blog keep it going m8.

Great blog keep it going m8. I hate Sundays with this 'issue' - I'm going back in time: listening to all the classical music I heard as a teenager, quite therapeutic; with a nice roast chicken on the go. But I think I'll draw the line at downloading old episodes of Dynasty...

NM

I will keep an eye out for any improvements in concentration/memory and report them back.

FC,

Thank you for your kind words (I'm a little embarrassed lol) here and else where. I remember friends talking about wet dreams and always was a little jealous that I never experienced them, now I'm the opposite Smile

Truffaldino,

Thank you for your kind words too. Roast, yum...OK may be Dynasty is a step too far, funnily In the UK one of the channels is re-running Dallas from scratch...I loved that show, but I think i'll avoid it as I don't want to regress too far otherwise I'll be sucking on my thumb again Smile

Esperanzon, I agree boredom will only be temporary and is quite a minor point in the grand scope of things Smile

Today I drifted only for a few seconds into fantasy, but it was not sexual (or at least what I have begun to consider sexual), but concentrating too much on a womans beauty on TV or in a bikini that made me imagine a little more intimacy but no real nudity..There was a little bit of a tingle downstairs which would never have happened pre-boot. I'm still a long way off, but also a long way in Smile

Thank you all my friends for your contributions to the blog, it really does help me a lot.

Vis