4:24 PM 9/27/2007
Today I spent 3 hours talking to three of my friends in my school. Two of them were male, and one was female. All the four of us, smart people, but also having the ability to fit into "cool" groups. This was like the 5th time that I told them, hey let's have a debate. And surprisingly this is the first group, that I am part of, in my whole life that actually pleasantly agreed to do so. Most of my previous friends, owing to my introvertness and lack of ability to differentiate among people, were not like this. I realized that there a *lot* of intelligent people out there that I need to be eager to meet and interact with.
So, like last time, we ended up discussing a lot of different topics like religion, marriage and sex education. I found that I had the best ability among them to convince, able to reason out my thoughts much better. And I regard them as being really intelligent, unlike most geeks or nerds (because they're filled with knowledge, not with wisdom -- the broader perspective or mature outlook) that I knew. Anyway, I really felt like these are the sort of people I want to be with. They are the smart honest ones, not out to trick you or obtain all the tricks of the trade from you, and I've met a lot of smart but arrogant people who look for "getting the best out of a situation", which they so often interpret as getting all the benefits from a person and then basically dumping him/her. They want to know how you have succeeded, and then forget about you. They don't want a real honest friendship. But the company I was with today wasn't like that at all. I had a fun time debating with them, although we didn't agree with each other on many points.
I really didn't think I would find people like this. But luckily I did find. I'm happy, but then I also sometimes worry about losing them or me not being able to keep commitments. Actually, that worry was what got me out of the whole friendship thing, because I felt that friends are such a "temporary phenomenon" and they're very easy to lose and difficult to keep. I exaggerated that in my mind, and the result was imbalance. I now realize that I should make good friends that I want to be with, whenever I can, I should not just turn away from making friends just because they're not going to be with me for eternity. That friends, essentially fellow human beings, are always needed. Although John won't be with me discussing philosophy for the rest of my life, maybe a philosopher George might turn up sometime later. You see, I have shifted my focus from wanting John to wanting a friend who loves philosophy, and there are plenty of people like that.
Special mention about the girl among us four. She didn't seem to be at all uncomfortable with us three boys and no one else in the room. She was very nice.
6:17 PM 9/27/2007
I simply couldn't feel the romantic attraction towards her, instead I felt a very healthy desire to be friends. And she's really attractive physically, but her character has really impressed me and I know truly that being only friends is what I would love to be with her, not even a trace of romantic desire. That's awesome.
So after that little episode, when I came back home, there was an urge to go look at some porn, but then suddenly I was reminded of the healthy interactions we had just had, and that just sort of made the whole porn thing look disgusting. Yes, that motivation was only momentary, but it was very insightful and I seek to bring in those kind of healthy thoughts. The beast somehow keeps trying to control me by speaking of the "pleasure of masturbation" but dang, I know I need to beat it, I want to beat it!