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Ever wonder why it’s so hard to sustain a loving, juicy, sane, intimate relationship? Actually, there’s a rational, scientifically verified reason intimate relationships so often prove fragile or mutate into unsatisfactory stalemates. It has to do with our physical design. Happily, that same design contains the potential for more beneficial love-life results when we make love differently. The knowledge of how to do so has been around for thousands of years. Clues can be found in ancient Chinese Taoist, Tantric, and even pre-Roman-Catholic Christian texts.

Unfortunately, we’re wired to resist this advantageous alternative with the full force of our wills—not because we’re stubborn or foolish, but because we’re pitted against eons of evolution when we attempt to chart our own course in the bedroom. Over millennia our design has relentlessly aligned with traits that yield the most numerous, hardiest offspring, that is, maximum genetic immortality.

Alas, the tendency toward blissful, stable pairings is not one of those traits. In fact, anthropologist Helen Fisher estimates that we’re physically designed to stay together for only about four years before neurochemical changes make us unbearably restless. She theorizes that this is the length of time it takes to get a child "on its feet" before partners move on to new genetic combinations (genetic variety being another of evolutionary biology’s lodestars).

Yet what is best for our genes’ immortality is not what’s best for our well-being. In fact, harmonious, monogamous union is perhaps the greatest defense against illness and premature death. For example, in a seven-year study of 800 young adults, depression and alcohol abuse declined more significantly for those who married during that time. Cohabitors, too, enjoy significantly lower levels of psychological distress.

Of course it’s not union, but harmony, that really benefits us. A recent study of hundreds of older couples showed that spouses who were able to make their spouse feel loved and cared for lived significantly longer than those who gave no emotional support. And heart-disease specialist Dean Ornish, M.D., wrote Love & Survival to make the point that behaviors that connect us with others in a genuinely caring way have an even greater beneficial impact on our health than regular exercise, stopping smoking, or an improved diet.

The Fertilization Command

So how does our biological design cause us to imperil the harmony in our intimate relationships just to meet biology’s objective of more numerous and diverse offspring? It employs a series of neurochemical changes, which show up in our lives as compelling, gut-level urges. These urges are largely subconscious, so we tend to follow them impulsively, without pausing to consider biology’s other agendas.

For most of us, the initial urge that shapes our relationships is the mission to fertilize. If you’ve ever been hit by one of Cupid’s arrows, you know what this feels like. It can disrupt your sleeping habits, trouble your appetite, and make you obsess over your chosen genetic opportunity. All this drama is the result of an especially potent cocktail of neurochemicals, one of which is dopamine.

At moderate levels, dopamine creates a healthy appetite and sense of cheerful anticipation. But balanced optimism wouldn’t ensure that we engage in unthinking procreation. So, thanks to natural selection, dopamine levels in many of us now soar involuntarily at every opportunity for gratification, making us impulsive—unless we consciously intervene.

Dopamine is known as "the molecule of addiction" because it is behind all addictions. It governs the pleasure/reward circuit of the most primitive portion of our brain. "Reward" is a bit of a misnomer, however, as the "reward" we receive from following this center’s commands is not a genuine increase in well-being.

The dopamine "reward" is simply a compelling chemical high that’s followed by a hangover as our body seeks to self-regulate after overstimulation. Why? Too much of an exciting substance like dopamine is just too much. High levels of dopamine have been implicated in sexual fetishes, addictions, schizophrenia, and nerve cell damage (in cocaine users).

The Move-On Command

In short, when it comes to sex, we are not only designed to "do it" but also to "stop doing it." And that’s where the trouble starts in our relationships.

Have you ever had a romance that began with enormous potential and suddenly fizzled for no good reason not long after sex entered the equation? Or have you found that over time your libido, or your partner’s, declined radically, leaving you both anxious, irritable, and susceptible to infidelity? Quite understandably, these changes cause intense emotional misery.

Neurochemicals are the culprits behind these familiar patterns of relationship deterioration. Here’s what naturally happens—sooner or later—in intimate relationships: the body begins to protect itself from the dopamine overstimulation associated with striving hungrily for orgasm. It temporarily decreases its sensitivity to dopamine, and raises its levels of another neurochemical called prolactin. Prolactin acts as a "sexual-satiation" mechanism.. These changes put a damper on our desire for union—with each other, though not with new potential genetic opportunities.

This protective shift in our neurochemistry happens at a subconscious level, so we never suspect the real cause of our changed feelings. Meanwhile, our ache to feel good again can make us insistent that others meet our temporarily exaggerated needs—whether we are demanding more sex or someone to clean out the garage. Neediness and defensiveness effectively stop the production of the neurochemical that gives us the urge to bond with each other. So we withhold much-needed affection, reach for a beer and the remote, take remarks the wrong way, grow less generous, see each other’s faults in an exaggerated manner, and often, find each other less attractive.

In short, the neurochemical script for our love lives is as uncomfortable as starting and stopping in heavy traffic, and the negative effects grow more pronounced as our subconscious begins to associate our distress with our loved one. That’s when the harmony in our togetherness evaporates, and the urge to move on triumphs. Ouch.

The Loophole in Biology’s Plan

There is a loophole in biology’s blueprint, and the key is yet another neurochemical known as "the cuddle hormone," or oxytocin. It’s the chemical messenger connected with bonding and nurturing. It also increases sexual receptivity and strengthens the attraction between familiar mates. In other words, it’s the urge behind monogamy. Its many health benefits explain why relationships can heal and increase longevity. In steady supply, oxytocin acts as an antidepressant, counters the effects of stress, and eases cravings.

But powerful as oxytocin is, it seldom counters the fertilization/move-on cycle indefinitely. The wrenching attraction/repulsion cycle of biology’s strategy eventually takes its toll on most sexually active relationships. So to reap the rewards of loving intimacy without risking disharmony, we select a strategy that keeps dopamine at moderate, "healthy appetite" levels while consistently promoting the production of oxytocin. This is the approach hinted at in the ancient sacred sex texts: Avoid the over-stimulation of striving for conventional orgasm and relax together into a health-giving, heart-centered ecstasy instead.

This strategy grants us a steady supply of healing oxytocin and the production of bliss-producing endorphins. In fact, the ancient Taoists recorded a phenomenon they called a "valley orgasm," an ecstatic state of merging in total relaxation. And the key to it is a very tranquil, delicious way of making love that keeps our dopamine levels out of the red zone and avoids triggering the protective "satiation" mechanism that puts us out of sorts.

Having experimented with this gentler approach for years, we have discovered several useful keys for outwitting biology:

* We began with a gradual approach that delayed while we went through a withdrawal period and laid down a new neural response to sexual arousal. We used a program called "The Ecstatic Exchanges," consisting of nightly affectionate activities for couples.

* We treat intercourse as a special, planned event. Spontaneity, unfortunately, leaves us vulnerable to our impulsive, dopamine-based brain chemistry. In contrast, when we schedule our encounters, we don’t "rev up" constantly because we know in advance when we will be making love. A surprising benefit is that our nonintercourse snuggles are even more playful and satisfying than they were as "foreplay," because we don’t feel driven to get anywhere.

* Like the ancients, we avoid striving for conventional orgasm in favor of more heart-centered, deeply satisfying states of bliss.

* We consciously nurture and give to each other in order to trigger the production of healing oxytocin. That strengthens our attraction to each other. Not surprisingly, our health has also improved. Urinary tract infections and yeast infections stopped. So have a long-term addiction and chronic depression.

So if you’re tired of neurochemically induced disharmony in your relationship, experiment with dodging biology’s plans for your love life. The alternative can help you see old relationship trauma in a healing light and restore the sparkle to your union.

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Marnia Robinson is the author of Peace between the Sheets: Healing with Sexual Relationships ($15.95, Frog, Ltd.), which includes "The Ecstatic Exchanges." Gary Wilson, her husband, teaches human sciences and sports massage.