READER: Lately we have had (and created) a bit more time together for making love, which has allowed us to go much deeper together. But at times it seems that we ‘overheat’ ... When this happens, we notice that we pull back somewhat from each other afterwards. Does overheating in such a way create the same two-week hangover neurochemically as orgasm? Is it ‘overheating’ that is happening or is there a conditioned separation response that arises from getting closer and more open and intimate? What can be done?

REPLY: Your observation about overheating leading to separation matches our experience completely. We think of it as too much dopamine. Remember that dopamine equates with "cravings," not just with the instant before orgasm. So when you heat up too much, it can kick off a mini hangover, even when you don't orgasm.

I think that someday we will understand more about what is going on at a subtle energy level. When you follow the "hunger" of sexual desire you slip into a "getting" mode, and it may be that to tap the best this practice has to offer you want to stay in a "giving" mode. That way you feel more satisfied afterward...and more loving and less depleted. It's a real discipline, but you get more and more into your heart, so the rewards are great.

You ask whether the problem is overheating or fear of intimacy. I'm not sure it has to be one OR the other. There seems to be a subtle interplay between the two aspects. The more loving balance you create, the more the fear between the sexes dissipates. At the same time, any step you take toward emotional clearing, the more easily you find balance with this practice. There's a reason many of us who are drawn to this practice have also been learning emotional clearing techniques. There's a synergy between the two approaches. However, I don't think emotional clearing, alone, will counter the separation trigger in conventional sex. That's what therapists have been missing.

I think this practice brings you face to face with any barriers you have to intimacy. The more consistent you are with it, the easier the clearing of those barriers. But the key thing is that they clear. Sometimes the barriers come up in more explosive ways...and looking back you say, "that was probably for the best." I always wonder if the orgasm that triggered the more dramatic episodes was the cause of the rough ride...or a necessary "set up" for the most effective path to healing. Sometimes the fallout from an orgasm brings to light an issue that may have been overlooked because of all the good feelings that come from this practice. For example, someone may be struggling with an addiction, which will surface during the hangover, so that it can heal more completely. It’s best to stay with the practice, but trust that "slips" can also serve a larger purpose.

Specific advice? Try to begin some of that lovemaking time with a selfless exchange of caring affection, like massage or meditation. It is a good habit to get into...and one that is especially easy to fall out of given how busy we all are. It seems to "set" you both in oxytocin mode...making it easier to stay out of the "dopamine red zone".

READER: This morning (our usual date time), before I received your email, my husband suggested that we do an Exchange as a way to reconnect. It did the trick — really amazing. So your suggestion rang true, and it is also really good to know that this practice translates into one’s own empowerment to intuit what might be the best course of action in a certain situation. And I was so touched that it was he who suggested it (he loves to play being resistant to Exchanges!)...so I also love your idea about the divine design of healing opportunities. If we had not encountered the ‘red zone’ hiccup, I would missed experiencing his suggesting Exchanges, which — even though it is a small gesture — spoke volumes about how I could trust him.

A friend of mine just bought your book. He told me that his life is being changed by it. I am feeling the same way.