Help! Porn Addiction in Progress

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This article is a bit dated. You may want to start with Your Brain On Porn, a sister-site that collects many of the experiences (and tips) of recovering and recovered visitors, related research and articles about porn and the brain.

Has the porn industry gotcha?

P*O*R*N keys worn off keyboardMany millions of dollars (or other currencies) were spent to trap you (or your loved one) in this escalating cycle. And many millions of years of evolution unwittingly made the trap possible. So there is nothing to feel guilty about.

Your situation is grave - and calls for a completely new and unfamiliar direction - but it is not as hopeless or 'unnatural' as you may believe. Links between sexual arousal and weird things (even dominance, violence, and perversion) are possible because of the neurochemicals our brains produce in response to things that are shocking, risky, guilt-producing, or pain-producing. For example, the common act of circumcision can link pain and victim fantasies to eroticism.

The fundamental problem is that, through a galactic oversight, you were turned loose in a physical body without the instruction manual for how your primitive brain operates. Here's a copy, so that you can resume command.

Instruction Manual for the Primitive Brain

  1. Lust and the Primitive Brain
  2. We're ALL Wired for Sexual Addiction
  3. Shock/Guilt + Erotic = Highly Addictive
  4. Muddy Angels
  5. The Realities of Withdrawal

NOTE for mates: You may want to visit "My Lover Is Hooked on Porn"

Comments

Marnia's commentary on Porn Addiction rings true for me...

As a recovering porn addict, I really find the information which Marnia has presented here both appalling and full of hope.

I think that pornography addiction is a MAJOR problem in today's all-you-can-eat internet society. We have invented the perfect medium for the pleasure/reward part of our brain to go full out.

Once hooked, wives, jobs, self-worth, all of it can become secondary. I hope that people own up to the drug that has them in such a trance and choose to fight for their freedom.

Marnia's "Peace" method is helping my wife and I get out of this fog and into the true light of pure love.

Thanks Marnia for your powerful work.

RO

addiction

Everyone has an addiction these days some small and some really huge problems like drugs, alcohol or even porn addiction. For my problem with gambling i researched drug rehab centers in Pennsylvania and found a few with great results and that offer treatment programs for any kind of addiction.

Internet Porn

I am surprised by the revelation of facts about masturbation by Barry Long. I mean i had this misconception that only human masturbate. Anyways I was a porn addict and it took me quite sometime to recover but finally I did and now I realize that this is something that stays with you for your lifetime, I mean to say that you have to keep fighting your urges and stay strong but yeah, after certain point of time it does get easier.

For all recovering addicts I would suggest that you would need to stay focussed and if you could get a company I mean another person who is in the same boat as you are in would help.

I have a very considerate wife and that helped a great deal and I was also introduced to this site I would like to share http://www.throughtheflame.org where I found people recuperating and doing very well, I got help there as some of the experts there are experts by self- experience and they know what it feels like being a porn addict.

But it in the end what matters is how focussed you are and how strongly you can defy the urges to go wrong.

Regards
Christian

releasing the inner temptress

"Peace between the sheets" opened my eyes for a new reality. Instantly my partner and I decided to implement Marnias advice. Little we knew of the pit falls awaiting. We do not have addictive personalities and we liked the idea of challenging our self-discipline, yet we are both fond of our sexual charge, the kinky imagination and the temptor/temptress image we had for ourselves. A lot of ego had to go broken along the way. Our relationship has a huge polarity combined with deep trust and open heartedness. But we have been reluctant to let go of our "edge" inspired by porn and kinky sex. When we did we felt "boring" and "weak", threatened. We want to do it, tired of failed relationships and with hearts open to heal. Yet again we are deep down some place reluctant to let go of our inner temptor/temptress.

Violet

help

I have also been informed and inspired by the illuminating knowledge in this site. Only it has taken till now, where I'm feeling compelled against my will to use internet porn, to join properly. I know you say that guilt and shame only serve to increase the addictiveness, but its hard not to feel ashamed when my highest spiritual principles are being put on ice for the sake of all-consuming short-term gratification. I have not had this problem before. I hope that full recovery to a healthy sexuality is possible for me.

Welcome!

Don't worry about how long it took you to get here. The best part is you got here. Ya know what, I've been going through the struggle myself. I've learned one thing: this is a disease that likes to keep you alone. You've made probably the largest and hardest step. I remember what it was like, because it was only a month or so ago. You should be very proud of yourself.

If you do one thing to start on the road to recovery, share it with someone. Share it with us, or share it with someone close to you. The worst thing you can do is go back and be alone. This disease revolves around your guilt and keeping you alone. It's hard to stop it without total dedication, either, but it can be done. But if you go after it, you'll get it. I've been recovering for almost two months, and I've relapsed too. It's knocked me down several times, but as I bet you can guess, I ain't finished yet. So welcome, and I hope you can find us and the resources given helpful to kicking the habit.

thank you

Thank you for your humility, and encouragement. I too have been humbled, I am realising that not only am I just an ordinary human being, I'm just a typical MAMMAL...when I read the story about the hamster who had sex 42 times then slept for two days, I thought, "yeah, that'd be me"... except that my females of late have all been virtual ones! Thank you again, for its so good to hear from someone who understands this stuff from the inside. I want to also be supportive, and if you need to talk, feel free. At the moment I'm desperately clinging to this piece of wood in the ocean, I need to reclaim my mind from this abyss...see you soon.
With much respect,
Ash[ying]

Hey Ash, my name's

Hey Ash, No trouble at all for helping someone out. I've always found people don't do it enough, and it's best to lead by example. Anyway, ask Marnia to start a blog. It's a great place to start, I found. Give it a try. I found initially, it was the best way to get a lot of the hard stuff out of my system, and writing about it still is. Hope that helps a bit. See ya soon.

I'm glad to hear that, cos

I'm glad to hear that, cos 'Justin' is so much easier both to pronounce as well as write! Wink Actually I'm still finalising what my online name should be too, and I've decided on 'Ash' so when my blog comes up, it will be in that name (by the way, thank you for suggesting I start one, I did need the encouragement to 'step out' like this). Like you said before, the dis-ease thrives on being kept secret, and already I feel different, like there is real hope. Though just wait till I have been a week without it...(if I get that far)...I imagine it will be tough. What am I gonna do? I don't have a girlfriend at present, so real sex, tantric or otherwise, is not on the cards. I might be driven to do insane things, like perhaps taking up golf...Anyway, peace bro and take care of yourself also. Wish me luck as I begin this journey, I feel like frodo (from the 'lord of the rings' movie) up against a huge army of those powerful, nasty looking 'orcs'... [schock]
from Ash (formerly known as 'anonymous').

I'm in no position to preach...

...i'm treading water. When I log off from here I will have to leave the house, else the temptation to do what is habitual may take hold. I want to reclaim my mind. I know that each ejaculation is invested with life-force, that frequent loss of semen depletes the male body on several levels. Any man who really tunes in might feel this for himself. Yet acting on this knowledge is harder than i thought. I have tried abstinence before and failed. But I believe this can be done, because it HAS to be done, for the sake of my physical health, and the freedom of my mind from slavery to p*rn, something that in my heart i dont believe in.
Ash.

Remember that it won't be pure misery

even during recovery. You'll have moments of encouraging clarity.

Small point...it's not the loss of semen that's the primary problem...as the androcentric sages believed. It's the drop in brain chemistry that *feels* like depletion. From your perspective this seems like a distinction without a difference, but if you ever have had a girlfriend become bitchy for no reason...you may want to keep this alternative explanation in mind. Wink

If you have come here in desperation,

know that you are not alone. There are lots who know how you feel.
This is a great site for healing from porn addiction. Read the "Instruction Manual for the Primitive Brain", and the following sections. Check out the site.
...Would like to, but feel overwhelmed by the lust for porn? Welcome, that's you and I both. Remember that healing can take time. Even if your visit today is brief, I invite you to plant a seed today, a wish for your own recovery. The porn manufacturers have got into your mind...so you get in there too, and plant a seed: MAY I RECOVER MY FREEDOM.
This is a non-judgemental and supportive place here. You don't have to be perfect to be accepted here, just being human is enough. May you heal.
-from ash. [ying]

So true

The support on this site is profound. Not only do I have an understanding of my addiction and the power it plays on the mind, but there is a boat load of people on all stages of the recovery process. I am barely into the process and already feel welcomed here. The site is full of people who have already given me more love and support around my addiction than I have received in my life before.

Human indeed is all it takes.....

That's sweet

It's a tough (I almost said "sticky" Wink ) problem. Glad we can help.

"Asher," by the way...did recover, although he seldom visits anymore. Once he turned the corner on his addiction, he found it helpful *not* to keep talking about sex. *grin*

great job Marnia!

Its great source of information here.
I have had depression from years, one of perspective to look at it is hormonal unbalance. Another issue is lack of empathy in health system, I guess its not related to country where the system is located.

You know what my doctor said when I was trying to explain my problems?
'Yes yes, we have huge recession in our country, so we all feel depressed'

I think empathy is not reachable for people who has never had depression or addiction problems.
I am going to have roaccutane treatment, that I should received many years ago. Everything is amazing unfair, I feel shame and guilt of that my life is so fucked up, which I should not feel at all and enjoy my life.

Yes, balance is so important

and depression and anxiety are very connected to neurochemical imbalance.

You're right that when someone is depressed it is devastating - and hard to see beyond the dark forest. But doing things that help you "take control" of your neurochemical balance seem to be the way back to well-being, and it's good to see you doing those things.. I've read, for example, that daily exercise is more powerful and beneficial than anti-depressants. Meditation is another natural way to increase balance. So is socializing in friendly situations. So is sunshine.

What is roaccutane treatment? Sounds interesting.

very interesting.

nice to hear someone made it out that ash person sounded very pleasant. It does seem all the more difficult to do these things because you dont feel the positive effects of abstaining and i know i always get the feeling im dependant on it. Balance is key but im working on it i havent been sleeping but ive been eating alot, when i do sleep its for up to tens of hours to days i quit school and working while ago pretty lame tho i am well enough educated not destitute. But they were not something i can do with all this, i kinda felt like i wasnt challenged as a child and i remember financially things werent well either couldnt even play sports leagues with friends and i think i was inadvertently jealous maybe i thought i was better and didnt deserve to have the things to deal with as i did. and my father passed away and i know i felt some guilt for that he was also finding his own balance, i dont even know what to expect to feel even in two weeks its been years.

It can be a real

eye-opener to realize that our parents were wrestling with the same challenge. For me, the only sane conclusion is to forgive everyone concerned...or at least realize that we weren't seeing their "best side," or who they really are. It also makes me curious about how different the dynamic in families might be if more people knew how to steer for greater balance in their sex lives.

Advice for healing the partner

Marnia, do you have any advice for healing the partner? I believed in sacred sex. I ended up marrying a sex addict for whom porn was only the easiest and cheapest. I have horrifying images burned into my own brain of the hundreds of women he brought into our relationship in the way of porn and strippers and prostitutes. Everyone, this site included, make it sound so simple for the partner to just provide a safe place for the addict while he gets his head out of his penis. They always seem to ignore, or misunderstand, or minimize the deep trauma to the partner's emotional, psychological, and spiritual being these addictions create. I cannot feel safe. I do not know if I will ever feel safe with a man again. I can barely stand to take a shower let alone comtemplate being physically close without deeply dissociating from the experience. I really hope you have something real and powerful to offer the victim, for we are victimized, having been lied to and exposed to deadly diseases and rationalized into being the cause of all the addict's sexual issues. I do not know if I can ever be sexually intimate with my husband again, so moving on may be my only option since I do agree that sexuality is part of my being and shutting that off is deeply damaging. How can I reclaim my sacred sexuality?

You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

Welcome to the board Tara

Sounds like a difficult situation for you. At first glance it may seem that it is easy for partners to deal with porn issues (the majority are obvious women dealing with men) but it's not. There are a number of women on the board who came here to get some perspective on how others deal with it.

For me the first thing is having solid communication in the relationship so you can find our if your partner is serious about stopping porn use. Also trying to understand the "why" can help. If there has been a physical part to the addiction, that adds a level of complexity.

I'm sure some of the females on the board will add some other thoughts.

Keep posting and feel free to start your own blog.

Note that Marnia is out for a few days.

Very Complex

Yes, there were very physical aspects to his acting out.

That and the lies. Addicts lie. Years of lies, which pretty much precludes open, honest, quality, calm communication.

Sex addicts will say anything, make any promise, to keep one of the primary objects of their addiction, a loving partner. So communication becomes a twisted and unreliable at best, abusive and demoralizing is more the usual. His words cannot be trusted, and his actions are suspect because there are so many ways to hide their actual activities.

Anyway, the issue is about my own sexuality at this point. I am concerned about PTSD symptoms which will raise themselves during any intimate situation. I don't know exactly what I am looking for, but I must keep reaching out because I don't want to live the remainder of my life without intimate contact with someone.

You do not have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.

Is it considered "watching

Is it considered "watching porn" and is there any danger, side effects or anything else wrong if you were to look at nude pictures/videos of your wife? I have never masturbated with them but do find it quite enjoyable to view them from time to time.