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Questions

How can one learn the practice of controlled intercourse?

Help! I think I may be addicted to internet porn. Any suggestions?

What do I do if I'm in between partners?

Why are passionate kissing, oral sex and other deliberate arousal techniques a problem?

What are the drawbacks of masturbation?

Why can’t I sustain an ecstatic balance without a partner?

What if I have very little sexual control?

How can I sustain an erection without passion and movement?

Why doesn't this approach work with short-term sexual encounters?

How does this approach compare with celibacy as a spiritual path?

What about prostate health?

Does this practice require that couples first be in relationship?

What do we do if one of us has a conventional orgasm?

Why am I always attracted to younger women?

How can one learn the practice of controlled intercourse?

Here is an overview of the approach we used. The goal is learn to use to heal by gently leaving the natural, addictive cycle of orgasm behind. This is simple...but it is a lot like playing "Chutes and Ladders," i. e., progress is rarely linear. Most people experience some back and forth between lovemaking without orgasm and lovemaking with orgasm. Unfortunately, the more "chutes" you encounter (in the form of conventional orgasms), the more frustrated you will become with the whole concept. This occurs because each orgasm causes you to lose (temporarily) all the advantages you have gained, and you need another two weeks to get beyond the addictive cycle.

Therefore, the best way to outsmart your biological programming, is to proceed extremely slowly and consciously for the first three weeks...with no cheating and lots of affectionate, physical contact with your each other. This is the best way to move beyond the addictive cycle of sex.

To make this process easier, the second half of Peace contains a program of "Ecstatic Exchanges" to help lovers move safely through this delicate transition period. It consists of nightly activities that encourage an affectionate exchange of loving attention, without resorting to traditional foreplay. For example, you may exchange foot massages one night, or dance together another night. The Exchanges can be so enjoyable that you don't notice you are going through a withdrawal from an addiction you may have had since puberty. Couples often report, "we've discovered that everything is an Exchange!" Indeed, any exchange of affection without the hungry, addiction-produced feelings of conventional intercourse can make your partner glow in your perception. Maintaining that mutual magnetism is the key to sustained harmony. See The Ecstatic Exchanges: Why They Work

During the Exchanges you sleep together every night. For the first two weeks, you avoid intercourse (and keep your underwear on). During the third week you gently add intercourse back in...but on a schedule. You continue to exchange energy in other ways, too, so intercourse does not become your entire focus. Scheduling intercourse is critical, because it helps maintain your equilibrium (neurochemical balance). In contrast, both spontaneity and wondering if you will have intercourse on a particular night can send your dopamine cravings soaring, making it very difficult to maintain control. If you know with certainty when you will be making love, you can stay calmer.

You may find it helpful to watch these videos. The first two, especially, will help you understand clearly why you want to make the change to controlled intercourse. "The Middle Path" video offers lots of tips from those working with the ideas. Plan to stay with the new approach for several months, so you really commit to it, and are not simply rushing to "get somewhere." This commitment will also give you time to watch what happens if you slip back into old habits. Return to list of questions

Help! I think I may be addicted to internet porn. Any suggestions?

This section has been expanded. Please visit Porn/masturbation addiction

Return to list of questions

What do I do if I'm in between partners?

Yoga, martial arts, meditation, spiritual contemplation, service to others, massages, laughter with friends, and hugs all help with periods of celibacy.

A friend in Italy found that when he cut out masturbation, women approached him within weeks, and other friends have found the same thing. Another man, on the other hand, made little progress slowing down his fairly-active do-it-yourself program until he got together with a lover. Then he went "cold turkey" using this approach to sex and it was an amazingly smooth launch. He's still with the program after years and loves it.

Socializing is essential when you're on your own. After all, any loving or selfless contact gets some oxytocin flowing. Massage exchanges help, too. Isolation doesn't help.

Many wish there was a "magic bullet" for contented singlehood. Yet if there were one, then probably none of us would go through the hassle of healing each other of the scars inflicted by biology. Maybe our discomfort while single is a key piece of the larger plan to motivate us toward reunion. This material is for those of us who still love the opposite sex...despite the evidence. Return to list of questions

What are the drawbacks of masturbation?

By now even most Catholics have freed themselves from the nonsensical notion that masturbation is sinful. But, as the saying goes, "there is no free lunch." Masturbation, like all fertilization-driven sexual behavior, has unsuspected costs. (Scientists surmise that masturbation serves an evolutionary purpose by ensuring that "fresh," i.e., more fertile, sperm are always at the ready. As sperm age, they break up. In other words, the longer a man waits between ejaculations, the less likely he is to impregnate his partner.) You decrease your sexual magnetism by masturbating. And the more you retreat into your own private (emotionally "safe," readily available) world of self-gratification the less likely you are to attract a partner of the opposite sex for intercourse.

In fact, frequent orgasm actually can actually cause you to repel the opposite sex subconsciously (or attract partners who also believe that the point of having genitals is "getting off," not union). At an energy level you send out messages like "I don't need you. I can take care of my sexuality by myself - thank you very much," "Relationships are just too much trouble; I can't be bothered," "Sex is just a physical thing, so getting off is all there is." or "It’s hopeless….I’ll never have a loving relationship." In doing so you repel what you most need to sustain a sense of well-being: healthy intimacy.

Medical research is now confirming that caring attention is perhaps the most precious gift of intimacy. It benefits both giver and receiver, countering the stress hormones your body pumps into you when you feed it messages of longing and isolation. For example, the caregiving primate parent (whether female or male, as in the South American Titi monkey) tends to live significantly longer than the non-caregiving parent. And Dr. Dean Ornish's Love and Survival and Peace Between the Sheets both contain lots of scientific research about the health benefits of loving companionship. It is, in fact, more protective of your health than exercise, improvements in diet, or stopping smoking.

Masturbation, rather than truly satisfying, increases your aching longing for wholeness. Moreover you can easily become addicted to its short-term "comfort." Then, even when you have a partner, your routine can interfere. Even if you repeatedly exhaust yourself with physical stimulation it doesn't truly satisfy. It also sets off a sense of depletion or deprivation - for both men and women. When you masturbate regularly you may find interacting with others stressful. Yet your loneliness may drive you to seek more comfort in the form of addictive behaviors.

This state of mind renders unlikely the self-discipline necessary to reach for higher union. Masturbation also tends to promote the use of sexual fantasy, carrying you away from deep emotional union with others. When you do have a partner you may even be convinced that you "can't get off" without your chosen fantasy - or without your partner playing a certain role. Sadly this traps you in shallow waters as far as your relationships go. In frustration you may tend to seek even harder for true satisfaction where it will never be found, i.e., in more intense physical stimulation.

If you are on your own, it is extremely unlikely that you will be able to avoid masturbation indefinitely. However, you can cut back so you don't allow it to become an obsession. Regular meditation, energy circulation, and breathing exercises can help balance sexual energy safely. So can heavy physical exercise, dancing, and therapeutic body work. The best solution is a loving partner and a new goal. Return to list of questions

What are the drawbacks of passionate kissing, oral sex and other deliberate arousal techniques?

However clear your intentions may be when you crawl into each other's arms, if you engage in certain activities, your biological auto-pilot will take over and lead you toward hot sex followed by separation. You probably view many such activities as quite wholesome and it seems like they must fit into the picture of healing sexuality somehow. In fact, however, lacy underwear, "posing" nude, frenzied kissing, crawling all over a partner naked, rubbing genitals on a partner, oral sex, viewing porn, and so forth, are all biological triggers.

Years of experience and frustration have revealed the unwelcome, but simple, truth. These activities don’t fit into the picture of healing sexuality. Innocent and pleasurable as they are, they actually prevent you from finding the heart-centered ecstasy you are seeking by pulling all your attention swiftly toward the physical gratification of the urge they awaken. Return to list of questions

Why can’t I sustain an ecstatic balance without a partner?

Most of us need the constant loving companionship of a partner to transcend the genital orgasm reflex whether it shows up as masturbation, wet dreams, or peak orgasm during sex.
This is not because we’re weak, but because we are so profoundly male or female. Our very polarity makes possible a powerful synergy when we harness it together correctly.

In the interim, however, it ensures draining sexual behavior as our maleness or femaleness seeks unsuccessfully for satisfying union with its opposite pole. Think of a loose power line hitting the ground in a flurry of sparks. So, even though you cannot prevent some energy loss while on your own, it is best not to consciously encourage nature to over-stimulate you and set off subsequent hangovers. Return to list of questions

What if I have very little sexual control?

The gentle approach suggested at this site is a useful remedy. For at least two weeks intercourse is not even an option. It therefore prevents performance uneasiness. This frees your attention and allows you to devote yourself to your partner’s comfort. You are also more likely to feel your partner’s loving energy and benefit from it in turn. Best of all, still, loving contact heals the underlying uneasiness and imbalance that may be behind the "instant orgasm reflex."

Here are some other things that help:

• Deep forgiveness of all past hurts inflicted by the opposite sex.
• Energy circulation, or any meditation.
• Avoiding masturbation and sexual fantasy. Turn your attention to helping or comforting others instead.
• Preceding intimacy with rigorous exercise, meditation, a warm bath, yoga or tai chi. Return to list of questions

How can I sustain an erection without passion and movement?

Healing the alienation between the sexes is not dependent upon sustaining an erection. Lovers who experiment with this approach notice that the man’s erection comes and goes, but the exhilarating flow of male and female currents on which this deeper harmony depends is unaffected. This is because the current between lovers is actually flowing beyond their bodies. Intercourse deepens the emotional connection between lovers, thus making a shared ecstatic experience more likely. But genitals do not cause it. Rather, it happens naturally when all uneasiness disappears.

The search for passion, the use of Viagra®, vigorous genital stimulation, and fantasy are all attempts to over-ride lingering uneasiness about intimacy itself. These forced maneuvers seem harmless (although it has been suggested that Viagra® can lead to sudden blindness), or even wise, according to much sex therapy. But they get in the way of true union. So it’s better to stick to non-performance oriented loving contact for weeks, if necessary, and allow sexual energy to arise spontaneously. Then heart and genitals operate in tandem. Return to list of questions

What are the drawbacks of short-term sexual encounters?

Short-term sexual encounters discourage true union. They are often thrilling, and may even masquerade as profound spiritual experiences. They can look quite noble on the surface. Perhaps someone you genuinely care about has a profession that ties her to one geographic location while yours ties you to another. Or he has a child and is convinced it would be unwise to expose the child to a relationship that is not yet a full commitment. Or maybe at least one of you genuinely believes you’ll be together some day, but you just can’t manage more than a week or so together for now.

In fact, in each of these cases, if you look closely you may see an "EXIT" sign flashing behind the head of your lover. That’s why you can feel safe to open your heart during a brief encounter - even though you have not cleared out your fundamental fear of on-going intimacy with the opposite sex. This temporary lack of defensiveness accounts for the ecstasy that so often accompanies sexual dalliance. The ease with which you can open you heart in a fleeting encounter is a prime reason for infidelity and the relationship trauma it causes.

If you want to clear out your underlying fear, take a gradual approach in a primary relationship. Non-relationships are, by definition, dead-ends and exhausting. Without a slow approach and an on-going relationship in which to stabilize the energy you are exchanging, you can rarely evade the biological reflex. The sexual energy of one partner or the other will destabilize leading to "hot sex" and a downward spiral of over-stimulation. The fallout from your sense of loss is then swiftly reflected in your external circumstances. During the weeks after a fling you tend to be beset by illness, exhausting emotional scenes, unexpected financial drains, accidents, equipment failures, spiritual disorientation, and so forth.

Indeed, the hangovers from such encounters usually keep you away from the opposite sex for extended periods of time. During these recovery periods you starve yourself of one of the most nourishing forces on the planet (loving union). In short, you can completely lose sight of where your true best interests lie.

Sex with no strings attached is a reflex from biology's "have sex and run" programming, which scientists call the "Coolidge Effect." Return to list of questions

What about celibacy as a spiritual path?

Celibacy is widely proclaimed the key to spiritual progress because conventional sex inevitably aggravates moodiness and confusion - dimming our spiritual vision. Yet if it’s true that behind the illusion of matter, we are all one and androgynous, then it’s doubtful that the Divine ever counseled separation from the opposite sex - except possibly as the best of two poor choices (deprivation or indulgence). Until you allow for the possibility that there is a third choice, superior to either, you may remain stuck in the false impression that God wants you to remain a separate ego recycling through physical bodies indefinitely.

Celibacy does help clear spiritual vision. Unfortunately the resulting clarity appears to furnish a sound reason for separation from the opposite sex - leaving the fundamental separation unhealed, lifetime after lifetime. Celibates, basking peacefully in the relative comfort of chastity, usually fail to ask the Divine the next question: could joining male and female for a higher end lead to a spiritual state beyond peaceful contemplation of the Divine?

Even celibates are sometimes reminded that there is great power in the union of male and female, however. According to historians, Gandhi himself upped his quotient of yin (female) energy when the going got tough. It’s widely recounted that when he fasted to protest British rule in India, he sustained himself by sleeping between two virgins each night. . . even though he wouldn’t have sex with his wife. Return to list of questions

What about prostate health?

It was once thought that increased levels of sexual activity led to an increased risk of prostate cancer, no doubt because there is research linking high testosterone to prostate cancer.

However, the results of a much larger study published in The Journal of the American Medical Association (2004) suggest ejaculation frequency is not a factor in prostate cancer. Similarly, in July, 2003, an Australian research team lead Graham Giles of The Cancer Council released a report of a medical study that concluded that frequent masturbation by males may be an effective preventative measure. It was speculated by the researchers that the resulting ejaculations helps remove carcinogens from the gland area. Yet, a subsequent study from the Health Professionals Study found no link between more frequent ejaculation and prevention of prostate cancer.

So the scientists are undecided. The Taoists, however, with thousands of years of practical experience of ejaculation control, found that non-ejaculatory intercourse improves health. So did the author of The Karezza Method (J. William Lloyd). In a sense, the West is measuring "apples," while the Taoists are talking about "oranges." The West is measuring conventional sex in greater or lesser quantities, while the Taoists were gauging frequent sexual activity with an approach that circulates sexual energy without creating frustration.

Heart-centered lovemaking increases the quantity of oxytocin in the body, and may account for the improvements in health that can accompany controlled intercourse. A recent study in Italy found that being in love lowers men's testosterone levels a bit, while raising women's, which is good for both partners and increases sexual harmony. Learning how to stay in love may be the best bet for healthy prostate, and gentle, frequent non-performance oriented lovemaking is a good way to do that. Exercising the prostate is no doubt important for good health, but one can exercise it without ejaculating.

According to an older medical study, prostate trouble may be associated with congestion, that is, stagnant blood circulation in the prostate region. Obviously, exercising the muscles in that area during sex is good. But ejaculation may be less important than frequent intercourse. The gentler the lovemaking the less the potential for unwelcome congestion due to over-arousal (too much blood in the prostate region). One study showed that prostate trouble disproportionately affects priests, but that phenomenon is believed to be a function of congestion.

As for semen, the body quite naturally stops producing it in uncomfortable quantities when demand decreases, and the body also continually reabsorbs any excess. However, ejaculation control is probably not advisable without a steady, nourishing supply of loving energy from the opposite sex, as intense sexual frustration can hardly be good for one's health. Return to list of questions

Does this practice require that couples be in relationship other than for the purposes of trying the approach recommended in the website?

The current alienation between male and female is deeper than most of us realize. We are subconsciously primed to guard ourselves against ongoing intimacy. Also, our habit of unconsciously trying to use each other is more ingrained than we realize.

So don't be afraid to begin this approach even though you are not in a firm relationship, as long as you are willing to sleep together every night. In truth, this approach is the most solid basis for a long-term relationship. Long-term intimacy is quite likely to develop. Still, the initial commitment can be for a few weeks and "then we'll see."

True intimacy is far too scary for most of us until we strengthen each other mutually and selflessly. This approach lets us draw closer with no "processing" or counseling needed. Chances are that we will feel more comfortable in this relationship than ever before. Return to list of questions

What do we do if one of us has a conventional orgasm?

First, mark the event on a calendar so you can watch the timing of the hangover for yourself. You should be clear of the worst of the distress in about two and a half weeks. Then, fasten your seat belt because you're in for a rough ride. Intimacy builds very rapidly with this approach - but the downside is that a hangover of disharmony is extremely painful. Your hearts have been opened and you've come to rely on a very high level of communication and trust between you.

When your perception of each other shifts for the worse (and it usually worsens dramatically for both partners during the second week after someone's orgasm) it is excruciating. Some word or action generally triggers an old pattern and suddenly your partner looks just as horrible as the worst of all your past partners. He may look incredibly selfish and self-centered. She may look unbelievably needy and demanding, or vice versa.

The storm will pass, but there is no quick fix. The only place to solve the problem is where it began, i.e., preventing the error in the first place. But here are a few tips that are guaranteed to help with damage control. First, sleep together every night - even if you can't sleep, and even if every instinct in your body is telling you that you "need your space." Recognize that the voice screaming in your head is just your built-in Intimacy Sabotaging Device trying to do its job by destroying your precious relationship (again). Ignore the voice as best you can.

Second, promise each other you will not make any plans about the future of your relationship until two and a half weeks after the orgasm. Trying to resolve things while your perception of each other is skewed is most unwise. No matter how objective you try to be, you are drawing false conclusions based on exaggerated impressions. You are sure to see things differently when the hangover has passed. If the silence between you gets too
icy, you may each have to talk about your hallucinations, but try to preface your remarks with, "I know I'm going to see this differently in a few days, but…"

Third, even though you don't feel up to it, do little things for each other, without expecting anything in return, and without demonstrating your moral superiority by self-righteously announcing what you've done. Selfless service will keep some "giving" and "appreciation" energy flowing between you, which tends to open your hearts again.

Fourth, hold each other in silence and breathe through your hearts, as often as possible - even if it is not your turn to make a peace gesture. This is perhaps the single most powerful healing step you can take - though the benefits may not be apparent immediately.

Finally, decide that you'd rather be happy than right. That is, whenever you feel the least thawing between you, be ready to let go of your self-righteous conclusions and comfort your lover. You'll feel better instantly. This problem has been going on for a very long time, and forgiveness is appropriate.

It's wise to drop back into phase one (underwear on, and no intercourse) for the period of the hangover. However, if you are past phase one, and decide to have intercourse during the hangover period, stick to your schedule. And take care not to indulge in poor judgment or passionate maneuvers. Only have intercourse in scissors position, without any movement, and without trying to kiss during intercourse. Treat it as a healing meditation.

Be gentle with yourselves. You are trying something that is new for you. In the long run persistence will triumph, but only if you stay together. Return to list of questions

Why am I always attracted to younger women?

For the same reason that women select mates because they think they are handsome and attractive to other women. When biology is driving you, you tend to choose partners based only on the potential your DNA "sees" for replicating itself as much, or as soundly, as possible. Women unconsciously look for potential dads who are attractive to other women because their sons will then (presumably) have the same quality. They also look for potential dads whose scents indicate genetic immunity diverse from their own (which will benefit their offspring). Men unconsciously look for women young enough to have lots of babies. Even if both partners have decided they don't want children, everyone's instincts go right on selecting on the basis of biology - until he or she consciously reprograms.

When you begin choosing your partners for their potential as good "sacred sexuality lovers," you find yourself naturally drawn to partners who are equals, who balance you in some profound way. You look for someone courageous enough to chart this new territory with you. Material and physical considerations pale beside the feeling of wholeness and companionship such a partner can provide.

Meanwhile, women somehow think that their choices are noble, while a man choosing a younger woman because she looks more fertile is shallow. In fact, both are shallow. As long as we choose partners to meet such unconscious, short-sighted goals, we make little progress using relationships for healing, or spiritual growth. Return to list of questions