Urges

Hi folks, I'd love to get your opinions and advice...

This is Day 15 since one PMO...which was preceded by a week of tons of sex with a sweet lady.

Strangely, I'm not really craving porn. Maybe a little fantasy creeping in. But deeeeeamn, I am STRUGGLING with the urge to MO! In fact, yesterday I got into it with some lotion, but miraculously just stopped and got up.

Feelings:
- MO orges 6/10
- positive about progress 7/10
- pain in testickles 1/10 (slightly notice it, for the first time)

Yesterday during clubbing I had some girl going after me (lucky me). I am very glad for not being extra nice to this girl to whom I'm not attracted. Usually I would go for it, in a desperate attempt to get a girl so attractive (... she was...) that it MIGHT FINALLY WORK.

Last week started out pretty good. I didn't really feel many lows, except at the start and recently. The past couple of days I've noticed lots of negative emotions popping up, mainly resentment and entitlement. I rarely feel these emotions, so they were noticable. The emotions were only loosly connected to whatever external object, so I think there is something else they're connected to. I don't know if that is wishful thinking on my part, because I feel pretty petty otherwise.

So day 25. After my almost slip I've been very strong, but the urges are stronger than ever. The longest I was able to go without PMO was 4 weeks, so this is a very important week for me... is where I usually failed.

Yesterday, I was sleeping the siesta and I woke up. In the half sleep state I was, I remembered a couple of things:

- First, I read somewhere that your human brain (neocortex) is what you think, but what you _feel_ is part of your mammalian brain. This explained to me why even don't wanting to watch porn, I _felt_ that's what I wanted.

So I'm in my day 17 without PMO and I thought I could write an update (I feel that writing my experiences helps me a lot also)

The withdrawal symptoms are gone (yeah!), at least the "first batch", so I'm feeling far better.

Day 19.

I seem to be pushing the boundaries closer and closer to the cliff. Last night i went to the store with all intention of relapsing and being fine with it. When i went to check out i just got the overwhelming fear and doubt about relapse and i basically put everything i was going to buy down and pretty much ran out of the store. One day at a time.

Day 18, I woke up today and didn't feel any strong urges. Starting to get bored with the day while waiting for answers from job applications and the urge to p/m/o is increasing while i'm not distracting myself. Last night while hanging out with friends i was told by a good friend i've known for many years that she's so happy where i am in my life and how much i've changed. she does not know about my p/m/o...it was a nice feeling hearing that, gives me strength to keep up the fight...Going to finish scraping paint, then off to work. Will update later.