masturbation addiction recovery

I am not to struggle against a contrary element. I am to wait. The oracle says so. Just as well. Said element is pain, and given that it doesn't respond to painkillers there isn't much else I can do. Surgery went fine - but it didn't give me a diagnosis. I don't have endometriosis. So I'm back to the drawing board. I have a mystery ailment with a million symptoms and no obvious cause.

Now that I've actually stuck my head back out of my shell, I'll try not to make a post that requires trilogy (or more) status. I'm not sure Peter Jackson would touch this one with a ten foot pole.

Man - I can't believe I've lasted this long without flying solo - this is the second longest I've ever made it without any form of orgasm, be it masturbation, wet dream, or some form of sexual interaction (9 weeks, once, years ago, then now, then we're talking typically at best 2 weeks typical since late bloomer me figgered out how to do it myself at age 16 ). Libodo's really intense, but not aggressively so. Last night was a smoother exchange for the post-therapy localized/pain relief exchange.

I'm still clean, but it's been a rocky 36 hours. Had a little further conversation, in which she made it very clear (almost adamantly) that she's wanting physical activity to resume. And the shoulder angel's having to work hard to out talk the shoulder demon. The thoughts:

Mine - intensely sexual in general, non stop visuals of doing things with her.

Been clean for 38 days, jointly and for myself. It looks as if some sort of milestone has been reached, or is about to. I asked Friday night how she felt with the celibacy so far, and she said rather dejectedly that she was "alright" with it, and asked when we were going to resume sexual contact. Caught me a bit off guard, as I was not aware she perceived it as something that I had the decisionmaking on, that while I had originally suggested it, I had thought we were of like mind on it.

last 24 hours was a bit humdrum, no gains, no losses. Therapy went well last night, but she was out before done, so rather than wake her, I simply went down myself. I tend to take neutral days just as well as positive/progress days, so since there was no loss, I"ll call it a win.

The good news, and the not so...I comfortably made it through her entire full body, sans clothing rubdown last night, and did not experience any resentment or feelings of one sidedness or short changed.

I made it thru another 24 hours of avoiding any form of sexual temptation or interaction, joint or solo.

I am posting in terms of success thru another 24 hours, no temptations, solo or with my Goddess. But I am trying to grasp/find the means to express something - something approaching profoundly ambivalent asexuality. Not ambivalent towards her, or the marriage, or the relationship and a positive future - but specifically within myself, something that goes beyond asexual indifference - it doesn't quite border as a contempt for all things physical/sensual - but it does most definitely qualify as a near aversion to any form of it, solo or joint.

Another day - at least as opposed to the last 3 days, we got our version of exchanges partially completed, she was in a lot of pain, so trooper that I am, gave her her half. You can at least tell progress because I haven't had any resentful thoughts like "you agree that I spoil you, but I get nothing in return" - granted, was learning to avoid such thoughts for years before ever reading PBTS.

I'm vuja de'ing - swore I'd already posted a successful Day 32.

I typically avoid intensely religious and intensely political arenas, because - well, as the 13th apostle said - people kill each other over beliefs - but you can't change a belief, you can change an idea.