Is there an unsuspected link between today's porn and potency?

Through a fluke of fate, my website has become a hangout for some amazing people, including men determined to wean themselves from porn. Their efforts have taught me more than I ever wanted to know about this subject. A few years ago one wrote,

I am sure that if a study were actually done with honest men, we would see correlation between porn viewing and erectile dysfunction. The porn industry takes advantage of the uninformed public and makes billions. Then the pharmaceutical companies sell us costly sexual enhancement drugs to treat the side effects—and make billions.

For most of the last century, neuroscientists were convinced that adult brains were pretty much set. Now, recent neuroscience reveals that our brains are suprisingly plastic throughout our lives. By learning techniques that help us sidestep unwanted wiring, we can even direct the re-wiring process—with seemingly miraculous results.

A key principle in understanding how we wire, or re-wire, our brains is "neurons that fire together wire together." That is, if two things happen at the same time, our brains often associate them by means of actual neural connections. The more intense the associated events, or the more they are repeated, the stronger the wiring. Groups of nerve cells devoted to a behavior or function are sometimes called "brain maps."

Orgasm is a neurochemical blast so delicious that our brains readily wire it (and arousal) to associated events and circumstances.

Are we training for sprints or marathons?

What if the ideal sexual behavior for those who want to maintain a long-term pair bond is not the same as for those who prefer to change partners frequently? Perhaps there should be two norms for the sexually active—depending upon whether they wish to sustain a pair bond, or engage in sex without forming one.

The passion that is so effortless during the "honeymoon phase" of unions fools us into thinking that happy unions are dependent upon continued hot sex. As a result, we currently regard other strategies as dysfunctional. Frequent sex with orgasm for both partners is The Norm. And sexual enhancement pharmaceuticals and mainstream advice prod lovers to conform to it, regardless of their relationship goals.

There may be a correlation between porn and social anxiety

Due to a search engine coincidence, I have been listening to the agonies and ecstasies of recovering porn addicts for several years. Over and over, a common pattern appears: As users manage to abstain from porn and cut way back on masturbation, their desire to connect with others surges. So does their confidence, their ability to look others in the eye, their sense of humor, their perception of their "manliness," their concentration, their optimism, their judgment, their attractiveness to potential mates, and so forth.

"Do Orgasms Lead to Divorce?"

Kim Hess, Divorce Guru, talks to Marnia Robinson author of Cupid's Poisoned Arrow: From Habit to Harmony in Sexual Relationships.

We learn why "another way to make love" is the way to make relationships last (even after you've been through a divorce or two!) and why bonding behaviors are more important than orgasms during a relationship. Marnia teaches us there is wisdom to "steering around orgasm during intercourse," and lots of benefits!

Kim chose the title for the show.

An open letter to Simon Lajeunesse

Dear Professor Lajeunesse,

I've just read about your conclusion that porn is harmless. I'm wondering if it might be worth redesigning your questionnaire. I've been witnessing (secondhand) a lot of harm from porn, as well as some surprising benefits from leaving it behind. What I'm learning suggests that you would have to ask very different questions of your subjects if you want to measure the dangers of Internet porn use.

No guilt, no problem?

This article is addressed to the readers of my "Psychology Today," blog, and anyone else who might be interested.

Is hammering the brain’s desire circuitry a good idea?

A drug that makes you not only able but eager and willing isn't going to remain the exclusive property of the severely impaired. As with Viagra, there will be extensive off-label use.—Julian Dibbell, The Observer

The "orgasm pill" is back on track and chugging our way. See 'Women's Viagra' Targets Her ... Brain. The drug, which alters brain chemistry to "unleash women's desire," works by "triggering the production of dopamine, [and] has the potential to revolutionize sexual medicine as much as Viagra did."

Are we pair bonders more vulnerable to addiction?

In Part I, we looked at the neurochemical reality that lies behind our instincts to fall in (and out of) love. We saw that our ancestors may have been pair bonders for a very long time, implying that pair bonding serves important ends for our species. We observed that the same bonding behaviors that effortlessly strengthen our pair bonds also reduce stress and increase well-being.

In this article we'll look at a hidden pair-bonder vulnerability that causes misery both in and out of the bedroom. Namely, the tendency to pursue excess.