Article by Marnia Robinson and Gary Wilson

Guys Who Gave Up Porn: On Sex and Romance

Today's media equates "sex positive" with zeal for orgasm. According to this formula, the more orgasms we demand, deliver or procure, the more "sex positive" we are. This makes Internet porn and sex toys, with their ability to override our normal sexual appetites so we can orgasm when we otherwise could not due to satiation, the most "sex-positive" inventions in all of human history. Or does it?

This definition of "sex positive" rests on a misunderstanding of how intense stimulation can potentially numb the pleasure response of the human brain. It also discounts the gifts of flirty exchanges, and human touch exchanged with a trusted mate. Given that affectionate touch and enduring relationships are generally positively associated with increased wellbeing, these omissions are especially unfortunate.

For reasons that lie at the heart of evolution, our brains are extremely responsive to today's super enticing versions of food and sex, such as junk food and Internet erotica. Alas, more is not better for some brains; it desensitizes them. This is why many of us are obese and/or furiously fertilizing our screens—yet feel more dissatisfied than ever. Recovering porn users describe their experiences with desensitization:

The Lazy Way to Stay in Love

Discover the Magic of Bonding Behaviors

Exotic loversWhile waiting for a concert to begin at our local county fair, my husband and I checked out a reptile exhibit that included an animal trainer with a live alligator resting calmly on his lap. As we stroked the gator, I asked the trainer why it was so tame. “I pet it daily. If I didn’t, it would quickly be wild again, and wouldn’t allow this,” he explained.

I was surprised. Only months earlier I had begun to grasp the power of bonding behaviors (skin-to-skin contact, gentle stroking and so forth) to evoke the desire to bond without our having to do anything more.

Wiring Sexual Tastes to Hairless Genitals...Oops!

Are we waxing away the line between adults and children?

naked kid

At present, our culture both underestimates the power of erotic cues and misinterprets their significance. That is, sexual cues are presumed harmless because sexual tastes are thought to be hardwired whatever one views. Two circular assumptions follow from this faulty premise: First, we assume that what one climaxes to reveals one's unalterable nature; and second, we assume that if one begins climaxing to something incongruous one is merely discovering one's "true" nature. Such flawed reasoning arose in part due to medical politics which gave rise to a staunch refusal to investigate the plastic effects of sexual behaviors on the brain's delicate reward circuitry.

The Wages of Sexual-Addiction Politics

Did addiction politics leave us stranded on a slippery slope?

Time for a radical rethink

Ever wonder why the brains of pathological gamblers, food addicts and video-game addicts have been studied, yet no one has studied the brains of porn addicts? We've certainly wondered—especially as one often hears the claim that the absence of studies is "proof" that porn addiction/sex addiction is a myth (even though clients and patients are increasingly complaining of being hooked on both).

Recently, we learned why brain-science research on porn and sex addiction is practically nonexistent.

Will Orgasms Keep You in Love?

A steady drip of oxytocin may help sustain relationship harmony

Marriage Carousel fountain, Nuremberg Germany

Ever read about how frequent orgasm will benefit your relationship (or your health) because oxytocin (the "love hormone") is released at climax? Let's look at this claim more closely, because there's evidently more to the story. After all, if orgasm were glue, our culture wouldn't have drifted toward hooking-up as orgasms became more plentiful. And every john would be in love with his hooker.

¿Fuimos alguna vez seres completos?

(traducción de Francisco Moreno T.)

En el arte taoísta, hindú y budista, las deidades a menudo se muestran como parte hombre y parte mujer - o andróginos. También, curiosas tradiciones sostienen que la humanidad misma, una vez consistió en seres andróginos. Casi todas dicen que el deseo sexual está directamente relacionado a la división de sexos, así como - con el cuidadoso cultivo - a nuestro potencial para volver a experimentar nuestra androginia natal.

¿Por qué la luna de miel termina?

'No Sex Please We're Married' article(traducción de Francisco Moreno T.)

¿Conoces tú alguna sólida relación que parecía tener mucho a su favor... y que sin embargo terminó? ¿Qué hay con un matrimonio que se mantiene unido, pero sus miembros parecen estancados... o incluso hostiles entre sí? ¿Has visto la revista Newsweek el artículo Sexo no, por favor, estamos casados? Si la falta de armonía nunca ha afectado tu relación tú eres raro; en el 2002 en los EE.UU., la Oficina del Censo predijo que la mitad de los nuevos matrimonios era probable que terminaran en divorcio.

Nuestras lunas de miel no son duraderas, pero cuando vemos las estadísticas de divorcios a menudo asumimos que esto debe ser un problema reciente. No lo es. Es proverbial que "el período de luna de miel dure menos de un año. Lo que ha cambiado es que ahora podemos divorciarnos fácilmente cuando se produce la falta de armonía, y así lo hacemos. Por lo que un viejo problema, que estaba oculto en el pasado por el hecho de que las parejas tenían que permanecer juntas incluso cuando las cosas fueran difíciles, ya está saliendo a la luz.

El taoísta "Hua Hu Ching" de Lao Tse

(traducción de Francisco Moreno T.)

"En el reino de la dicha y la Unidad"

Uno de mis escritos favoritos sobre sexualidad sagrada se encuentra en un texto poco conocido de Lao Tse, un antiguo taoísta chino. En el Ching Hua Hu (1), Lao Tse advierte que,

¿ES LA SEXUALIDAD UN ASUNTO PRIVADO?

(traducción de Francisco Moreno T.)

Se cuenta que hace más de 2.000 años, el maestro taoísta Lao Tse señalaba que el enfoque de una persona hacia el sexo era señal de su nivel de evolución espiritual(1). Para aquellos que aspiran a los reinos superiores de la vida, existe un “cultivo angélico dual”, el cual permite a cada parte del cuerpo, mente y espíritu cumplir su anhelo por integrar el yin y el yang.

Guys: Where Do You Fall on the Monogamy Spectrum?

affectionate couple

New research overturns commonly held beliefs about men

Regardless how many sexual partners you've had, you may still benefit from figuring out the extent to which you're wired for pair bonding. Being a pair-bonder, by the way, doesn't guarantee "happily ever after." It means socially monogamous: having the capacity to fall in love and the desire to bond, at least for a time. In contrast, most mammal species are like bonobo chimps and rats; they mate and move on. The reasons for the differences lie in brain structure.

Despite our capacity for promiscuity, we humans are a pair-bonding species. It shows up in our powerful hankering for touch and ongoing companionship—and makes perfect sense, as our offspring benefit from parents who hang around with each other for more than one estrous cycle. (For a solid analysis of human pair bonding, see "Your Sexy Brain" in The Compass of Pleasure.) As with any trait, however, there are always outliers (atypical individuals). So how do you know where you are on the pair-bonder spectrum? And what does it mean in terms of finding contentment?

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