In recent years scientists discovered that oxytocin – best known for its role in labor contractions¹ - was also the neurochemical behind apparent monogamy (in prairie voles) and emotional bonding between parents and children, friends and lovers. An experiment showed that it increases the attraction between familiar mates (in hamsters), but not between unfamiliar potential mates.

Sex has many characteristics in common with addictive behaviors. Regulated by the brain's limbic system or "primitive brain," sex is driven by the region known as the reward center. Dopamine, the craving neurochemical that impels fertilization behavior, also impels addictions to substances. This article examines how dopamine’s unnerving high/low cycle tends to promote emotional separation between mates and increase susceptibility to addictions.

During a chat at a social event with a geology professor at an eminent university we discussed whether the neurochemistry of mating is behind the fragility of intimate relationships. He thought not, and sent me to two books on marriage, which he said supported his views.

The Mathematics of Marriage

The Mathematics of Marriage[1] is a recent team project, published by MIT, inspired by a mathematician. I had read about the related study suggesting that one can predict divorce from the ratio of positive to negative behaviors in the discussions of newlyweds, but not about the theoretical basis of the study. I was not surprised to discover that the real indicator of compatibility is a mate's basic perception of his/her partner. Mates who perceive their partners as basically good people, tend to see negative behaviors as temporary and explained by external factors, while people who perceive their partners as basically flawed, tend to see the positive behaviors as temporary and explained by external factors.

Chantek is a smart, lovable orangutan who lives at the Atlanta zoo. Trained in sign language, he has a vocabulary of more than 150 words, and he is considered a decent artist. …

Do you know of a solid relationship that seemed to have a lot going for it…and yet it unraveled? What about a marriage that stayed together but seemed stagnant…or even hostile? Did you see the Newsweek article No Sex Please, We're Married?

Not long ago I heard an Australian radio program called The Orgasmic Brain, hosted by Natasha Mitchell. One of the guests on the program was Gert Holstege, a Dutch scientist who has begun mapping events in the brain during orgasm using brain scans of the event. At the very end of their interview, Dr. Holstege said:

"He’s a great guy, but I’m worried about the sex appeal factor. It seems like there should be more sparks between us." A friend said this about a man her age, whom she had finally met after speaking with him for many hours on the phone. Their phone conversations were long, candid, and filled with laughter…but in person he was a bit shy, and waited for her to take the lead. Something seemed amiss.

When people first read our material about the hidden hazards of orgasm they often lose sight of what we’re actually recommending. Passing up orgasm without substituting lots of affectionate nurturing would be like deciding to lose 20 unwanted pounds by ceasing to eat. Just as you need to eat, you need the nourishment of love and affection - especially if you want to change the way you make love.

Various spiritual teachings, such as A Course in Miracles,[1] say that there are only two fundamental emotions: love and fear. For the body, this is true. All mammals, including humans, have two opposing hormonal responses to stimuli. Threatening stimuli cause an increase of stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol. Soothing or reassuring stimuli cause an increase in oxytocin.

A sudden threat triggers the fight-or-flight response associated with adrenaline. Adrenaline steps up heart rate, increases respiration, activates muscles, and promotes hyper-alertness. Longer-term stress (from a few minutes to days and weeks) increases a different stress hormone: cortisol. Cortisol, too, makes us hyper-vigilant, but its evolutionary functions are quite different than the temporary jolt of adrenaline designed to propel us out of danger.