I have a pattern of handicapping myself. I’m trying to understand that more to figure out what is going on and what I might want to do about it. It comes up with regard to abstinence, but also in life generally. This is perhaps a deeper issue than discipline that I’ve blogged about before. There is a battle between disciplined parts that leaves me externally a mess. I can’t recall when it started, but it’s been a long-term pattern. Although subtle and not always easy to see the war, I’m often aware of it in one way or another. I don’t know what the purpose is.