self-identification

I identified a trigger condition and at the same time realized something about my pornography viewing habits. I received some highly stressful news at work (sufficient to cause chest pain), and this news, combined with the fact that my wife will be out of town for a few days, made me think about watching porn. In the past, I have used porn to relieve stress, so I was vaguely aware of that trigger already.

I seem to have given up on my recovery for a few days. I seem to just can't "stop" something, without it like being on a Monday. Right now I am saying, "OK...just act out and do it til' Monday, then start the week fresh". It seems easier to track recovery that way. Might be boredom?

Right now, I'm in pretty good control. I feel somewhat stable. I haven't MB'ed since Wednesday afternoon and the night before that, as well as better half of the morning was complete and total compulsive abuse of both. Since then, I only caught a few glimpses of pornographic images during my ongoing research and article hunting on topics such as sexual orientation and sexual/porn addiction. I experienced mild arousal from some heterosexual content. Which made me feel good enough to not act on it.

Well, I failed. Not a surprise, but I really do feel embarrassed and shame right now. Considering the fact I proclaimed I could get over this mountain myself. I do feel I still can do that though. I just learned that I can do it "just like that" after a binge without a plan, as the drug is still in my system.

Here we begin, with another attempt at recovery. I actually don't like the way that sounds, as it's a reminder of the many failed attempts that I've made in the past. During the last relapse, I was amazed at what was going on (less than an hour ago?). There I was engaging in the behavior with even more intensity than last time. Thinking, "how the hell am I going to undo this now?" There is always the feeling as if I'm subconsciously trying to dig myself in deeper, to the point of no return.

Hi All -

I had an interesting experience the other night. I met up with my friend who lives in the Bay Area who I had met in New Mexico a few weeks earlier. He did a reading of my chackras, which I outlined in a different post. His insights were original enough and telliing enough and perceptive enough for me to be curious about further explorations and insights into how I hold myself as a soul in a body.