Healing Relationships

I've been pondering something I read under one of the porn addicts forums (http://www.reuniting.info/node/1831) that sat with me for a while and triggered some sadness in me.

Celeste wrote (a long time ago):

I had some time with my friend today. It was good to spend time with her. I really enjoy her presence. She seemed, as I suspected, less than completely comfortable with the 3 week sleeping together routine. She's coming from a place that is strongly focused on my healing. All very nice, but she would be working pretty hard to keep herself removed from her own needs with that perspective. She's proposing some kind of other healing routine with number of the people from the healing touch group we attend. I'm open to it.

Ok. This is my first stab at blogging. I've started at day 1572 (today) because that's about how long (4 years and 16 weeks) I've been exploring Marnia's ideas and inviting others to explore it with me. Finding a partner to do even 3 weeks of the non-sexual Exchanges is something that I have not yet been able to create. (This part of the Exchanges is important to me due to its potential effect on healing the effects of early childhood bonding trauma.) I'm looking forward to connecting with other members of this on-line community.

I'm back!

Today, I'm feeling so incredibly tired. My head feels like it is too small for my brain. My eyes and forehead feel especially bloated and hard to move my eyes. I feel like I could sleep until tomorrow.

My dopamine report:

*Low Dopamine: 2,15
*High Dopamine: 2,10
*Relationship disharmony: 1,58

Again an update, but only dopamine update. Have been intensely busy the latest days, so as soon as I can, I will blog more about my experience and my techniques that have worked for me! I'll be back soon!

But my dopamine report:
*Low Dopamine: 0,92
*High Dopamine: 0,3
*Relationship disharmony: 1,58

Pertonis

An update of my dopamine following:

*Low Dopamine: 0,54
*High Dopamine: 0,8
*Relationship disharmony: 2,42

Pertonis

The third day! I feel like I'm making process, one little step at a time. I feel stronger in my fortitude to move away from this type of lifestyle, so I can finally live my dreams. Porn and unhealthy sexuality is preventing me from doing that.

Here's my update:

*Low Dopamine: 0,08
*High Dopamine: 2,4
*Relationship disharmony: 1,92

I'm back!

My results for my second day are:
*Low Dopamine: 3,62 <
*High Dopamine: 0,4
*Relationship disharmony: 4 <
<(out of 4 mind you)

Everything just went to hell. But it was good. I was falling into the old habit of hiding away emotionally, running away from myself. I started to project this onto my girlfriend and she didn't understand anything I was saying(as it was not making any sense), in the end she broke down and then I broke down. I realized that I have always been trying to build a 10story building but without any base, no firm self-esteem.

Day 1!

I did not feel very inspired to blog today. But I pushed my self and decided I would at least write a few lines. I also thought it would inspire me to do my daily dopamine checkup. Now I have done that and the results aare:

*Low Dopamine: 1,31
*High Dopamine: 0,7
*Relationship disharmony: 3,08

I have felt quite calm today. Not any strong urges for masturbation or porn. That's perhaps understandable as I had a relapse not one day ago, so I am still motivated from that recent experience and have decided to use this outlet to keep me motivated.