masturbation

I’m surprised that it has been almost 2 weeks since my last post. Normally, that would have indicated a setback, a relapse, a “loss of sobriety” in 12-step-speak. I’m happy to report that that is not the case in this instance.

To be sure, the last few weeks have had their ups and downs, but the trajectory has been decidedly skyward. My frustration tolerance has increased decidedly, and the personal anger episodes that I am accustomed to have been significantly muted. In general, I am just happier.

I have not had an orgasm for 20 days, have not watched porn for 22 days, and have not used a porn substitute for 14 days. I'm writing this entry in order to delay what seems to be inevitable (that is, a relapse), and it provides and opportunity to catalog situations or emotional states that trigger the urge to relapse.

Ok I want to write down an over view of my journey to this point.

I will start with as of today I am at 8 days without any type of porn, masturbation, or orgasm. This is as long as I have gone with out any of those. I have gone 12 days without orgasm but not the other two. My next short goal is to get to 13 days without any of them. Then it is just a short step to 15 days. After that more little steps to hopefully 20 30 or more days. That is where I am now. I want to do a short recap of my journey so far and add to this blog entry for awhile as I go.

For a variety of reasons, I've been returning to some really bad habits recently. Looking at porn! I've justified in my head that I have control over what I'm doing but I'm probably playing a little too close to the edge. 3 times in the last 4 days. Today there was no hesitation - got home from work, computer turned on and straight onto the porn sites. Haven't reached orgasm from the porn so I'm taking that away as a BIG positive. Although I did have my latest wet dream last night - that makes 4 in the last 6.5 weeks now.

input on this new strategy. Is it bad. If this is a bad way to go ill jump right back to fighting the urges and cravings full force. If not I will see how this part of the journey goes.

I am blog-naive, so my first post was not initially private, as I had assumed...in case a non-member is reading this post without having seen the first, I shall provide the short explanation of why I am writing here.

1. I have an anal sex/anal porn fixation but I have never actually had anal sex
2. I am in a marriage where both partners have been faithful, but I am plagued with infidelity fantasies
3. I want to preserve relationship harmony, but I cannot control mood swings, irrational anger, and occasional feelings like 'my wife is the wrong woman for me'

I am angry and confused right now. I know i have read other postings on it happening but to experience it ones self. I was feeling good about yesterday. I made a positive post. Then i do not know what changed. It is not that i could not fight the urges and cravings. I got to some point where i did not want to fight them. My mind did not even rationalize a reason it was just there. I knew what i was doing and did not care it just had to be done. How can that happen all the struggles over the past few days that seemed hard and on a day i felt good i loose control.

day 9 went by easy. last night i woke up 3 or 4 times do not remember how many really and i had to be close each time. So far today i am its the same thing just sudden feelings and cravings i can hardly control. I feel like i am going nuts again. A bad thought keeps kicking me in the head hard if you just give in the ache and pain will go away. I know it will not help to give in but its almost agony at this moment. When i get through typing this even though it is not my work out time i think i will try to exercise some. This is about as bad as i have felt since i started on this journey.

Okay, so I am almost at a month now. I want to share some thoughts on legitimate everyday life stuff and how that can affect the power. I have taken on a second job and am working quite a bit. Last week I noticed that I was starting to get mildly sick but with the force field I have now, my immune system seems to be quite strong. If I was not practicing retention, I am sure there would have been a cold or achy feeling over me for a few days. I also was getting a bit stressed, having headaches that were suppressing the ocean of vitality some.