fear

It's that time again and I'm struggling with it again. It seems odd to me that in theory it's the celebration of Jesus' birth. In practice, it's often a celebration of family and materialism. I really struggle when there's a split between theory and practice. I tend to like the theory and would much rather practice it. Jesus is the most well known messenger of Love in our world. Love is the core of healing and the core of Karezza in my understanding. I'd much rather find a way to celebrate Love at this time than get caught up in family duties.

Feel a little down today

I'm trying to sit with my emotions rather than blocking them via analysing/ checking. It's pretty tough and I'm not sure what the best approach is. There seems to be a fine line between 'wallowing' vs taking the time to experience what's going on inside you.

I've been feeling quite emotional, on the verge of crying, supposedly a good thing, yet at the same time it doesn't feel too positive either. Who knows, it might also be some sort of PMO withdrawal symptoms.

I went to MMA training last night which completely shattered me, but felt good at the same time.

Today I saw my new behavioural therapist and I feel I've made progress with her than I did in the 6/7 I've had with the more psychodynamic person.

I had a little cry in the session today. First time I've opened up in... well years really. I have been wanting to cry for some time but emotionally I just haven't been able to let myself go. I still found myself putting the shutters up pretty quickly, but it's progress I suppose.

Yesterday I had two therapy sessions. Two! Ok therapy isn't a new addiction don't worry.

I've been seeing a therapist for the last 6 weeks or so, but she's more in the counselling line, when what I need right now is someone with more behavioural/ solution focused experience. I think the psychodynamic/ counselling stuff may help you understand problems, but it doesn't help you change behaviour, at least as quickly as I'd like.

It’s been almost three weeks of abstinence from PMO now- probably my longest time ever, and certainly the longest time since I ever tried to count.

It’s far from the first time I’ve tried. Yet, for whatever reason, this time I’ve had to “struggle” with it far less than any of my past attempts, even though I’ve come away with far more success than ever before. Why is this?

COMMENTS: This research shows that the reward circuitry and dopamine cell respond to fear. The same circuit that drives us with dopamine to pursue our goals, such as orgasm, is also activated by fear. This is why we "like" scary things - roller coasters, bungy-jumping, horror movies, etc. We wonder if fear or anxiety producing pornography increases the amount of dopamine released. This would make sense, because many users move into porn genres that cause anxiety and fear.

I began meditation yesterday after finding a great tantra-yoga support forum. One thing I have noticed in myself is that when I become interested in something, sometimes I let it consume me. In these lessons they state and re-state the need for pacing yourself, I am glad they did that otherwise it is likely I'd allow myself to obsess and harm myself (mentally). Still, I think I dug too deep and into things that I wasn't ready to hear, this created a deep welling of fear that ignited my body with some really bad energy. Eventually I was able to relax and fall asleep, thank you great universe!

I haven't had any form of sex for three weeks now. This is the longest period of time I've been without sex since I can remember. I like it.

I'm married. My wife is beginning to pine for it and I want to make her happy but I don't want to return to being addicted to sex. I also don't want to dwell on this too much. I want to get on with my life, but I'm struggling to find things to fill the time and I'm spending lots of time using the computer to look up stuff about psychology and addictions, which is very interesting but is it getting me where I want to go? Not really.