long distance relationships

So it's two steps forwards and one step back. Or maybe one step forwards and two steps back. It's hard to tell. He still hasn't gone a day without masturbation. Today he managed to find a way round the porn blocker. He says as he was watching he was thinking that I'd never have to know. But then he thought, if I think like that then I'll definitely loose her. So he stopped himself and went and had a cold shower. He knows that he is sabotaging things for himself and doesn' know why. He wants me to hate him, but I can't. I can walk away. That's still something I think about doing every day.

I feel like I am trapped in a game of good news, bad news and Humphrey Littleton has gone to sleep. The game just goes on and on and the situations get more and more rediculous and it stops being funny. But there is no one to stop it so I keep playing and hope when Humphrey eventually wakes up it will end on good news. Actually he's dead, so I'd need Stephen Fry to step into the breach but it seems he's busy at the moment.

I had intended just to update my blog from yesterday. It has, however, been hijacked for a long and tedious discussion about whether or not one can ever stop being an addict. Even I couldn't be bothered to read all the posts, and it's my blog. So I am just starting out afresh. I'm writing mostly for myself really, but I want any of you guys who are interested to be able to read it. If you want to comment then that is .

Some of you have probably noticed already that I have suddenly started refering to my boyfriend as a porn addict rather than an ex-porn addict. It came as a surprise to me too. However, it explains a lot too. I couldn't understand why he was willing to have sex with me when he realised that it was causing me pain. In the past he has always been really good at calling an end to sex if he thought I was no longer comfortable.

I wrote in my last blog about my confusion about sex. It was causing me pain, karezza more than orgasmic sex, and I didn't know what to do. Actually I think I did know what I should do. Stop having sex, but I didn't want to admit that to myself at that point. So we tried just having orgasmic sex and doing lots of bonding behaviours instead.

After 12 days of abstaining from masturbation I discovered why I was doing it. I had hoped that my energy levels might increase, or my mood-swings level out. They didn't. Maybe that will take longer, and maybe they are caused by something else. I am however sold on abstention.

Nearing Week 3.

As jolly as it sounds, it's not all fun 'n' games.

Yesterday, for the first time in these three weeks, I had to consciously "fight" the temptation. Trying to shift my thoughts to other things didn't help either. I somehow held on. In hindsight, I think it was my firmly entrenched idleness trigger, but I might be easily confusing the cause for the effect. Any thoughts?