Ok, so I have been learning about the addiction. I have learned about the brain and why addiction is so strong. So ultimately it is fact, pornography is bad for a person, and one can not use it like a drug.
As i mentioned before in other blog posts, i also have a chewing tobacco addiction. However i have been using a nicotine withdrawal patch system to manage quitting. So tonight marks 1 week with tobacco. Which i feel is a start.
However, my porn habit is still not under control. I have still been looking at porn at night.

I have a question, Ive been beatin myself up over this and I need your advice. Ok so last night I was at a hotel bymyself. I wanted to watch tv but cable went out, and then wanted to go on internet but that was out also. I kept telling myself not to go further but did. I started to masturbate and then I was off to the races. I went into the magazine isle at a grocery store and started to look at the workout magazines because I konw they would feature some sexy women so I could orgasm. On one of the pictures a girl was in her bra and panties and they were see through.

It's kind of disappointing the day after I proclaim my determination to get over my addiction, I hit one of my lowest of lows. I feel like crap right now, dazed and confused. I want to get this out of my system and written down but I really don't want to be judged so take it easy on me...

I felt the first twinge of an urge today, but it was only that and it passed.

These past days it's been the fatigue, brain fog, mild headaches and need to overeat that have been the problems.. still coping with all that... perhaps these symptoms aren't connected, perhaps they are due to something else, or perhaps they are orgasm hangover symptoms. I never even knew you could get an 'orgasm hangover' until I came here.

..or at least, so it seems. The average is 14 minutes per day.

http://arstechnica.com/media/news/2009/02/report-uk-teens-spend-5-of-tim...

According to the article:

Other prominent activities (measured on a weekly basis) included chatting on MSN (3.5 hours), researching things like cosmetic surgery or weight loss (over an hour), social networking (nine hours), downloading or listening to music (one hour, forty minutes—the same amount of time spent watching pornography) and some three hours, 10 minutes researching homework.

Hope everyone is doing good on their road to a better way of living!

My road is going well. I didnt see some curves so i drove off the road, but im back on.

I went to the SAA meeting yesterday. It's good to hear them speak about their problems. It brings me reassurance that one day, i will be in their shoes. One member is 18 years sober. That's amazing.

I had some questions that i wanted to know -

Can i masturbate? (without looking at porn)
If I'm doing stuff with my wife, can i cum?

That's it.

Been working too much to really do anything, lol. I have been purposely trying to keep myself as busy as possible. Which is good though. Im getting more work done that i have in the past few months.

Anyway, back to work. SAA meeting tonight. I'll tell you how it went.

Well, that's it guys/gals. I have officially reached the lowest point of depression today. Luckily enough it didn't last much, but for a while I truly felt an icy sliver of desperation sliding through my spine.

And I think I even know why. I plead guilty, I relented and watched porn. Not much, actually. Just a bit. But apparently enough. Almost without conscious control, my hands went down there.

But this time I knew better, and I stopped at least a couple of minutes before I could orgasm.

Again, another orgasm today. This time I have no excuses - it was my fault. Perhaps I got discouraged from yesterday, plus I was a bit depressed, and I needed a fix. This lack of control saddens me to no end. And there are people who still do NOT believe that masturbation can be addictive.

Still, my goal remains. I will never surrender to myself until I am frikkin' dead. My goal is 15 days without orgasm, and will never stop until I reach it.