Sexual addiction

I made two weeks of no P/M/O, then slipped, then 4 days slipped again with M/O. I really felt like I was just engaged in a constant battle and was losing the war.

Fortunately, I've had some recent success with the help of a book called "Addiction and Grace" written by Gerald G. May, M.D. Dr. May discusses the addiction process as follows:

"By now my associations have become so entrenched that the habit is an integral part of my life. Upon encountering any upset or distress, my desire to do the behavior surfaces like a reflex."

I've never blogged before, but thought I would give it a try to see if it will help me in my efforts to give up masturbation.

About a month ago I made a commitment to my wife that I would give up masturbation. We have been married for almost 19 years and the issue of me masturbating has been a huge issue in our marriage. I have always had an addiction to masturbation and masturbated on average 4 to 5 times a week, regardless of whether or not we were having intercourse. I also had a habit of using porn to masturbate which intensified when we started having marital difficulties.

Once upon a time, there was me. Poor me. I grew up lonely, largely deprived of touch. I didn't have a healthy physical or emotional bond/connection with my mother. I grew up in a world of deprivation, disconnection, emotional neglect, an isolated, cynical child. I felt unwanted, unloved, unattractive, not loveable. Ironically I was and remain handsome, but did not see myself that way.

So I have to admit that I gave in last night. I was looking at some kama sutra materials and one thing led to another...

So at this point I want to make sure I don't use this as an excuse to go into a full relapse. I still want to accomplish my goal of another 30 days. I think the challenge will be the next couple weeks as I get over the "hangover" effect.

So one month has passed! This last week was probably the most difficult. Last time I took a break I made it to 38 days. My goal now is to reach 60 days. At that time, I'll try to extend the goal.

Yesterday, I realized I've been focusing a lot on what I don't want; I don't want to relapse or lust after inaccessible women. So I decided to focus on what I do want out of this process. I'm not necessarily big on books like "The Secret", but I do see the value of focusing on positive goals.

Yesterday was quite the struggle. I may have given in if I didn't have a porn blocker on my computer.

I'm definitely struggling with the desires today. I'm so full of wanting.

This morning I was thinking about my current apathy for my life and why I was feeling that way. I decided it wasn't apathy at all but anger...a kind of general anger about my life and where it's at and where it has been. I feel angry at the universe, at God, at society, at my friends. I often feel like I want to be left alone, intolerant of people's foibles. Mentally, I know how irrational this attitude can be, but I still feel it.

I've noticed (and I've heard other people say) that in some ways the struggle is harder after three weeks of abstaining. I'm feeling it even more than the last time I took an extended break. My whole body feels like it's tingling with sexual desire. I'm having trouble concentrating on the work I need to do. Last night, just shifting in my bed was arousing. I thought I might orgasm without actually doing anything.

Yesterday I exercised. I spent a good deal of time with people. I meditated. I feel I'm doing the things I need to do, but perhaps not enough.

Well, I've reached day 22. I'm getting to that phase where motivation starts to get a little weaker. I don't remember as well all the pain and drawbacks of the addiction. Intellectually I understand (the lethargy, the unfulfilled desire, the guilt) but I don't remember the actual state of mind as clearly. Part of me wants to just give in and thinks, "What's the big deal?" I'm missing my previous "freedom" to indulge myself.