I want to congratulate you on your book and the work you have done with sexual healing. It is important work you are doing. Your book sparked a lot of introspection in me. I know of no one else who would understand, so I hope you don’t mind if I write to you this rather long message. You don’t need to reply - it helps me to write to someone who understands these things.
My wife and I have been married for 25 years now (I am 46), and unfortunately over the decades our sexual relationship has deteriorated down to nothing. We have slept in separate rooms now for almost 7 years (her snoring was just too much for me). We have one of those comfortably stagnant marriages. For some years now I have been trying to understand where things went wrong. Gradually, after giving up all hope for a sexual relationship with her, I came to see more clearly what had gone wrong. I think you are on the right track in your book. Ever so gradually, over the years I began to see that it was my own addiction to orgasm, and my needy demanding that turned her off completely to sex. Probably for the rest of her life. It’s sad, really, when our urgent needs cause us to be rejected. One day I apologized to her for this, asking her to forgive me for being so self-centered years ago. The damage had been done, of course, but at least I could say that I was sorry.
The problem was that for me sex and love were always separate. Yet, the cultural ideal was sex as an expression of love. What had gone wrong with me? Why were they so separate for me? Or is it typical for most men? The answer, I think, is partly in men’s biology and partly in our own early life experiences. I don’t know how it is for teenage girls, but boys get hit with a surge of testosterone early in their teen years. This has a powerful effect on their sexual development. Sex becomes a force in their bodies that they cannot ignore. (The novel, "Portnoy’s Complaint" had a ring of truth for me.) And most of us are not taught how to deal with it. So masturbation is usually the handiest form of relief. An erect penis that promises so much is not easy to ignore - especially if we are feeling insecure, lonely, sad. And so a relationship is born between a boy and his penis. It becomes a source of comfort and pleasure - even if we do feel terrible emptiness just minutes after orgasm. How many times does a man repeat this doomed cycle? It’s almost like the endless cycles of death and rebirth Buddhists describe.
For boys, sex comes first, love much later. It is no wonder, then, we have difficulty connecting sex with love. Our experience of sex has most likely been limited to masturbation and fantasy. Then as adults we are expected to suddenly experience sex as a beautiful expression of love. It is so easy for men to wrap up all their emotional and physical needs into sex. It can become the single source for us. But, as you know, the woman feels this burden and pressure and doesn’t like it. We are pushed away and it feels so devastating. Personally, I think it is sad and a little tragic. Men need help with this, not ridicule or anger.
Only now do I realize that we need to be trained differently. That is where your book comes in - if offers a way for us to train our nervous system and emotions to connect sex with caring instead of consuming. This is very important. How different would relationships be if more men could be so transformed? Certainly a great deal of needless suffering between men and women could be eliminated. I wonder how our society would be different.
It is probably too late for such change in my marriage. My wife has no interest in such things. But I go through the exercises in my imagination and feel better for it. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to experience the sexual healing that you describe. I would love that. Perhaps in my next life. In the meantime, I am working on opening my heart to my wife and caring for her more.
One more thing. There is a spiritual practice that may be a good complement to your work. Its goal is to open the heart. From my own practice, I know it does work. The practice, which is based on Sufi practices, uses breath and awareness of the heartbeat to heal and open the heart. I know the founder of the organization and he is genuine. Here is a link to his website if you are interested. He offers web courses as well as classes in various cities. http://www.appliedmeditation.org. It would be interesting to combine your approach with his heart-centered meditation.
The work you are doing is so important. I hope you keep going with it. I hope you don’t mind me saying so, but the new picture of you on your web site is wonderful. You positively radiate caring, warmth, wisdom, and sensuality. Seeing it uplifts me (no, not like that!).
God bless you in your work. May we all learn to overcome our self-centered habits and learn to care for others.
Thank you!