Tools for the long haul

Here are techniques others have found useful:

Restore equilibrium If you want to return to the real you as quickly as possible, balance the part of your brain that governs your emotions and stress responses (your limbic brain). Then, your frontal cortex (the more disciplined part of your brain) can help you steer. Here are some simple things that help:

  • Friendly, supportive interaction (not on The Subject)
  • Time in nature
  • Exercise
  • Healthy diet (whole foods, less sugar, fewer junk carbs)
  • Meditation/prayer
  • Singing
  • Laughter

Pass up orgasm This is one of the few websites where you will find this recommendation. Abstaining from orgasm for several weeks, and then cutting way back from current levels (if you're orgasming frequently), can make it much easier to regain your equilibrium.

Even though orgasm feels good in the moment, it can cause mood swings over the following days or weeks as the brain returns to homeostasis. In fact, the less you over-stimulate your brain with intense emotions, including the intensity of orgasm, the easier it is to handle stress.

If you want to experiment, see: Orgasm’s Hidden Cycle and Sexual Energy and the Single Woman.

Journaling Engaging in dialog with others about The Subject (that has upset you) can do more harm than good. However, you need to acknowledge and feel your feelings in order to move through them and onward to new perspectives on your circumstances.

Journaling can be a powerful tool, so find a way to record your uncensored thoughts. It can help you connect with the emotions underlying your anger.

When posting on the site, however, be respectful and polite. We are sorry you are suffering, but unless you observe the behavioral conventions that prevail on the site, you defeat the site’s purposes. See Policy on forum etiquette for details.

If you do flame out, remember that you can edit your posts (unless they have been removed). It’s never too late to see things differently. Think of it as an exercise in plasticity (conscious change). It’s fine to apologize, too. People here will be only too happy to interact on a healthy basis as soon as they know you are centered. If you are banned, see Policy on forum etiquette, if you would like to request to join again.

Care for your anger Visualize your anger as a baby or other helpless creature that needs your care. How would you comfort it? This technique works because a) it's very difficult to feel nurturing and enraged at the same time, and b) it you're angry, you very much need your own care.

Affirmations, Tapping, Hypnosis, etc. You can do much to rewire your brain so it no longer goes around on the same painful tracks that are increasing your stress. Training the emotional part of your brain is a lot like training a dog. Consistency and patience work wonders. At first, you may feel like you are making no progress, but most people see progress within a couple of weeks, and big progress within a couple of months.

Create new patterns of thought by repeating affirmations to yourself. By shifting your attention to what you want to experience, you will find it easier to make that experience reality.

Examples:

Even if I over-react from time to time, I love and approve of myself.

Even if I wallow in self-pity from time to time, I can recover my inner power.

Even if I feel humiliated by this, I can find inner peace.

Even if I feel unjustly treated, I am willing to see my experience differently.

Willingness to see your circumstances differently Stay open to new ways to see your situation that will carry you beyond hopelessness or fury, toward compassion for yourself and others. Healing insights that help you re-frame an experience can come from anywhere.

However, sometimes feelings are so raw that we can only see the remarks of our fellow flawed humans on The Subject through the haze of our own projections. When this happens, it can be useful to tap directly into our own “inner shrink” to find balance and the courage to tap our unique gifts.

Try some inner listening. For example, play with the site’s oracle. It may give you a new perspective.

Stay busy While you’re returning to balance, it can be very helpful to stay busy on something important to you. Make a list of things you want to accomplish, broken into small steps, and do them. If you don’t have enough to do, volunteer your skills, especially in situations that involve eye contact and touching others. Research shows volunteers report greater well-being than others.

Bonding behaviors If you still have contact with a mate, you may want to experiment with exchanging daily subconscious cues that can produce feelings of safety, trust and closeness. (They work best if both of you are avoiding orgasm, and its neurochemical hangover. See The Passion Cycle) Bonding behaviors can be as simple as smiling with eye contact, preparing a special treat, generous touch, and so forth. For more, as well as a list of bonding behaviors, see: http://www.reuniting.infoThe Lazy Way to Stay in Love.

If there is friction in your marriage, you would be wise to employ the bonding behaviors, especially if you think you may want to remain in your marriage.

Laugh Spend time with those who are feeling upbeat. Entertain yourself with things that make you laugh. Remind your brain what it feels like to feel good.

Realize that you might have done something similar Who knows if you would have made the same mistake if you had faced the same circumstances as the person who has enraged you? Everyone on this planet makes errors all the time—in part because of the way we currently use our sexual energy. Very good people can make very big mistakes. Chances are you’ve made some yourself.

If you have ever been forgiven unconditionally for doing something harmful, then you know the power of forgiveness. It is a gift to everyone involved. Forgiveness is not the same thing as staying in an abusive situation. If you need to get out, get out.

Remember to forgive yourself unconditionally for your rage and anything you have done as a consequence of it.

List constructive steps to take But don’t rush to act on them until you feel clear that they are the right steps.

For example, if you don’t want the risk of illegal porn on a computer in your home, think about buying porn-blocking software and installing it. If you need to leave an abusive situation, figure out what you need to do to make it happen. If you want to go back to school, collect the information you need, and so forth.

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calming techniques
rage