Wisdom

Marnia's picture
Submitted by Marnia on
Printer-friendly version

lotusThis website is about relationships, spirituality and sexuality. It's based on the rather startling premise that fertilization-driven sex creates an unsuspected problem for humanity...beyond the obvious crises of overpopulation, environmental devastation, and widespread starvation. Yet the message of this site is one of hope. Humankind possesses untapped potential for harmony and wellbeing through the medium of intimate relationships.

For centuries, even millennia, the message that great potential lies in making love gently, with frequent relaxing pauses, and without indulging our passion-trigger has bubbled up repeatedly. For example, the ancient Chinese Taoists, the earliest Christians (whom scholars label "Gnostics"), and even assorted American social pioneers beginning in the late 19th century all allude to the unmistakable benefits of controlled sexual union. To learn more, read any of the articles listed in the left-hand menu, any of these sacred sex texts (many available free, on-line at this site), or have a look at these excerpts from various source materials. couple in yabyumWebsite visitors of a metaphysical bent can find excerpts from Edgar Cayce's readings (more on Cayce and sacred sex), A Course in Miracles, and other sources equally intriguing here.

Freed by the sexual revolution, most of us have branded any suggestion that there are advantages in self-control as "sex negative." Yet, these voices from the past were quite sex-positive and relationship-positive. They were, however, strongly opposed to the separation that usually erupts between passionate lovers and to the excesses of sexual addiction. They reported major benefits from evading humankind's biological programming while tapping the hidden potential in sexual union. In light of the recent work of evolutionary biologists, neuroscientists, psychologists, and anthropologists, these elders' advice merits earnest consideration.

Evolutionary biologists emphasizemany grabbing hands the "selfishness" of our genes, making it clear that mother nature's goal is hordes of progeny (and lots of variety), not lasting harmony. Neuroscientists reveal the neurochemical fluctuations that may account for our urge to separate after sex. Psychologists teach us that we are prone to project our state of mind onto others, which means that recurring emotional and neurochemical fluctuations, even perfectly natural ones, can radically change the way we see our partners. And anthropologists confirm that the urges toward separation and infidelity exist across a wide spectrum of cultures, both primitive and sophisticated. At last we can observe humanity's circumstances with a minimum of religious and social distortion.

The picture is not pretty, but at least it is plain. Humanity has a weak link in its design when it comes to mating behavior. It's not a flaw from evolutionary biology's viewpoint, but it routinely erodes our well-being and happiness by weakening our capacity for monogamy. embracing couple statueIn light of the glaring evidence of this weak-point, you might think that humanity would be open to a possible solution...however unorthodox. Unfortunately, a primitive part of the human brain is programmed to disregard any suggestion that lovemaking without orgasm could be satisfying.

My husband and I, of course, began with the same conviction. Yet, to our amazement, lovemaking without orgasm is satisfying. It's not only satisfying, it's healing, just as the sages recorded.

Eros and PsycheThose who are to have intercourse with one another will be satisfied with the intercourse. And as if it were a burden, they leave behind them the annoyance of physical desire and they do not separate from each other. They become a single life….For they were originally joined to one another when they were with God. This marriage brings them back together again. [1]

Who knows? Maybe the emotional alienation between the sexes is indeed a spiritual anchor. Perhaps it effectively keeps us from sustaining the deep sense of wholeness so prized in all great spiritual traditions. The consistency with which biological sex destroys peace of mind is the reason most spiritual seekers have concluded that sexual desire contributes powerfully to illusion (spiritual blindness). Eros and PsycheMost of humanity has assumed that celibacy was the only option. Yet source materials from the past (even some ascribed to Jesus) suggest that the synergy gained through careful union has far more to offer. The earth was round and revolved around the sun long before experts acknowledged these facts. Perhaps humankind may one day recognize that by using sex less than optimally it has been suffering unnecessarily for a long time.

Here are two lovers making the same exciting discoveries for themselves - a month after they broke up following several months of hot, passionate conventional sex :

In my room we started talking about the other night, our first attempt at Karezza. Whilst talking through her experience she took her clothes off, but not to seduce; she was soo deep in thought that it was almost unconscious. Think getting undressed for a bath rather than seducing a lover.

Sitting on top of me in just lacey panties she explained how it had completely shaken up her view on sex. She told me that sex for her is being 'fucked'. Being pounded. Submitting and taking it. But the other night was equal. It wasn't about dominance and submissive power struggles. She had never thought of sex in this way. She also wondered whether bonding based sex is what two casual lovers should be doing. I liked that comment because it showed she realised the power of non-orgasmic sex.

Connecting

I took my clothes off and we kissed, cuddled, stroked. I remember putting my hand on her vagina on top of her panties. At first you could see her heating up but I just left it there for a minute or so as we tenderly kissed. My intent was not to make her horny, just to comfort. She later did a similar thing to my penis. I find it strange how clearly we read the intentions of touch. It's very subtle yet we seem to easily grasp the motivation.

We both took off our underwear and connected. Hardly moving, but deep inside. Earlier in the day I had been re-reading 'Tantric Sex for Men' and I finally understood what they meant by the penis growing and searching as if having a life of it's own; snake like. I felt her vagina responding, contracting and releasing, welcoming me in. When we used to have hot and heavy sex she would get so wet that I actually wouldn't feel much. This was different. I've never experienced her vagina so intimately.

We would kiss lots, cuddle, and shared these intense long gazes. I would smile at her and seeing her smile back filled me with joy. She was radiating femininity, she looked absolutely beautiful. I was overwhelmed by her. I asked her a couple of times if she was ok. Coming from orgasm, goal orientated sex, initially Karezza / Tantra seems to be missing a clear feedback loop. The first time she uttered a few words, another time there was just this intense look on her face and a nod. I remember myself replying with a nod when she asked me. I didn't seem to need words.

Energy flow

I remember this energy flowing around my body. A state of bliss. She gently asked me to 'fuck her slowly'. I stayed deep inside and we lightly moved our bodies. She got more excited but never pushed over the edge. She looked so goddamm cute. Afterwards she explained it was like a 20 minute orgasm without having an orgasm.

Her body was super sensitive afterwards, but not in the usual 'you can't touch me anymore because I am too turned on' whilst closing legs to show her pussy is now out of bounds way. It was just this energy shooting around her. Like an endorphin high. I felt the same and still feel it now, the morning after. Like my body feels alive and buzzing. It's so strange. I'm sitting here smiling. I feel like a little kid.

I would of liked to know how long we stayed connected for. I think 30 minutes but it could of been longer. I remarked that you could just stay like that for hours. She asked me 'Why did we never have sex like this before?'. I replied that I had never had sex with anyone like this.

Left hard, no need for orgasm

I left semi hard and we lay together. She asked me if I wanted to cum and I said, with completely honesty, that I didn't see the point or a need. I had finished sex in a state of complete relaxation. Ejaculation would just wear me out and leave me exhausted which didn't seem worth it for a 3 second high. Neither of us had an orgasm and both felt perfectly satisfied.

As we lay together our bodies buzzing we both looked at each other and said 'Wow", "What just happened?", "What was that?". It was like nothing I have experienced before. Transcendental.

An equal experience

Because neither person is dominant it becomes a mutual experience. She told me that even when I was on top towering over her it felt like we were equal in the experience. That's just the position we happened to be in at that moment. For me it felt great to leave aggression out of sex. I was relaxed instead of heated up.

I didn't have to worry about ejaculating. There is no performance. Normally it's a juggling act between stimulating her more whilst keeping myself for falling over the edge into orgasm; which marks the end of the experience for me. That takes a lot of concentration and thought. I also normally engage in fantasy talk. My tantra book explained that using fantasy in sex is moving the experience into your mind and out of the present moment. That makes total sense.

I thought staying so still would be boring. But It wasn't. Without a goal what do you do? Where do you go? You just are. I felt so present. My world was her. Connecting and being in this moment. Like a meditation.

One thing I miss is giving her oral sex. I love her taste and smell. I wonder if it is possible to incorporate it without heating her up...

Us, now

My attraction to her has increased so much because of these experiences. I totally dig how open-minded she has been. The fact that she respected me enough to give this a go. I see my life as a grand learning experience. I'm a pragmatist. It's awesome that she is a part of this. That we are experimenting and learning together and from each other. She challenges me and my thinking. I hers. Mutual growth.

Neither of us know what's going on between us. Perhaps we shouldn't define and just live.


  1. Exegesis on the Soul, Gnostic Christian fragment discovered at Nag Hammadi.