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(This article has been updated.)
I’ve always wondered why moving, intimate experiences like the Ecstatic Exchanges can create such powerful shifts for couples…and yet why it is so easy for stagnation to creep back into an intimate relationship. Recently I stumbled upon an insight that furnishes an answer to both questions.

We humans are programmed for both reproductive urges (mating) and for physical and emotional closeness (bonding). The bonding program evolved primarily to bond us to our parents, and our kids. This powerful caregiver-infant connection is so fundamental that it is what separates mammals from reptiles. Reptiles just lay eggs and wander off; baby mammals need strong emotional ties to their caregivers for a time in order to survive.

Ever hear of something and have a deep knowing that it was just plain right? That was my reaction to the concept of sacred sexuality. It made perfect sense that two things I cherished — the desire for closer union with the Divine and intimacy with a mate — could be combined.

True, the concept of using sex differently - by avoiding climax - was certainly novel, but I regarded it as an intriguing experiment, which I then judged on its own merits. I found it protected my spiritual clarity and was also beneficial to my relationship, and, with much trial and error, I incorporated it into my unions.

You've just met a wonderful new potential lover, and you want to experiment with sexual alchemy, or controlled intercourse. But how to persuade a new lover to try the ideas? It's not easy. In fact, the script too often goes something like this:

At the beginning he agreed to try abstaining from orgasmic sex. However, his actions were not consistent with his words. I tried to explain the concept, but he wouldn't educate himself, and didn't go for it. Then he said, "we'll just be friends."

In Taoist, Hindu and Buddhist art, deities often are shown as part male, part female — or androgynous. There are also curious traditions maintaining that humankind itself once consisted of androgynous beings. Most insist that sexual desire is directly linked both to the split into genders and — with careful cultivation - to our potential for re-experiencing our native androgyny.

"No thanks! She's too needy for me." Every man looking for a mate knows this woman. At an energy level, she's a black hole. And what about the male counterpart of neediness, voracious sexual hunger? Women, have you met this guy? "There's something…creepy about him. He sees me as a big dish of ice cream instead of a person." To be sure, men can also be needy or women predatory.

"Radiant Gardens of Energy"

Energy and Eros,[1] a short book by James N. Powell, not only eloquently distills an essential component of various sacred sex traditions, it also offers practical advice for tapping physical intimacy’s greatest benefits.

What is the essential component of sexual alchemy? In Powell’s view, it’s a bioelectrical energy exchange, which charges up both partners with or without intercourse. In his final chapter, "Fields," Powell (citing Von Urban) describes the sexual habits of various cultures, whose lovers often had sex less than twice a week, and emphasized long, slow foreplay and prolonged intercourse with periods of stillness.

When we move on to a new partner, or add lover on the side, we increase the genetic variety of our children and improve our genes’ chances of sailing into the future. As individuals and families, however, we suffer. Spiritual teachers of the past describe this painful phenomenon separating couples, and hint at a way around it: making love differently, without the emphasis on orgasm. In this article we’re going to look at three such sexologists of the past: Lao Tzu, Jesus, and Alice Bunker Stockham, MD.

Lao Tzu

Here are excerpts from various texts relating to controlled intercourse. They have interesting insights about the potential that lies in reuniting male and female for a higher end. More excerpts can be found in the articles in the left-hand menu.

Outline of Source Materials

Taoist

• Taoist excerpts

This website is about relationships, spirituality and sexuality. It's based on the rather startling premise that fertilization-driven sex creates an unsuspected problem for humanity...beyond the obvious crises of overpopulation, environmental devastation, and widespread starvation. Yet the message of this site is one of hope. Humankind possesses untapped potential for harmony and wellbeing through the medium of intimate relationships.