Ryan's blog

Me and me...

Submitted by Ryan on

There are moments in our lives that offer such clarity that their truth is undeniable. It is the Ah Ha moments where the puzzle pieces in our mind fit together and things just make sense. It's an understanding that is so deeply rooted that it never escapes us - verses memory which always seems to be hanging on by a thread.

I believe I experienced one of those moments just recently. In fact, it wasn't so much a single moment - but more a series of moments which very much included my dark depression with porn addiction. The realization that I had was simple, yet had, has, and will have many implications on how I see and live my life. To get there I had to go through a personal hell — a hell I have been living for a very very long time and only now starting to awaken from.

On "Free Will"

Submitted by Ryan on

Marnia posted a comment on my previous blog with a link to a NY Times article about Free Will and how Free Will just might be an illusion after all. I find Free Will (capitalized for emphasis) to be a fundamental concept for addiction and more importantly addiction recovery. It's always easy for a non-smoker to look at the hideous smoker and say, "Just stop smoking!" The smoker hangs his head in shame and says, "I know, I want to, and I've tried with all my might --- but I just can't". As we know, this shame and guilt inevitably leads the addict to value his/her "drug" even more as a means to "feel better" - albeit falsely and temporarily.

My Pornography (Lust) Addiction

Submitted by Ryan on

Blog Number 1. Where to begin?

My Goal:
To free myself from my pornography addiction and to remove all barriers that get in my way of true love and truth.

My Struggle:
- Willpower is very low --- have repeatedly told myself "Never again" only to come back "again and again".
- This addictive cycle creates guilt, shame, lying, and low self-esteem.
- These emotions, combined with the withdrawl from my last "high", create a perfect environment to "use" again.
- "Use" what? What am I addicted to exactly?
- Masturbation? Maybe, but sometimes I get a high from looking at porn even when I don't masturbate to it.