Amanju has opened a lot for me. Thanks for your support and your leads to wisdom. I will have to look into it more and not be so resistant. I am in survival mode in a lot of parts of my life, some of it is my ego that needs to go. Some of it is just straight out getting through this low patch so I can see and think more clearly - get the muck off my soul.
He is having a raving migraine right now and writing emails that paint me as a dogmatist. I realize this isn't really giving him fair expression, but here are a few excerpts for the sake of brevity:
"so many boundaries, strictures and stipulations
and if only this much is enough to fracture you from us
swallow ones self expression for the sake of another's complete ideology
would not meet me half way
your intensity and severity
i'm out of luck and should look elsewhere
no middle path
bible of regulations
begin to feel as the subjugate
cut-out perfect for your ambitions
Where is my spirituality in all of this? I have never been a big practicer of spiritual practices or faith development. I feel there is a God that is evident in so many ways. I don't interact directly (through prayer) for myself as I think it is vain to think there is someone up there who is going to respond to our wishes and needs directly.
OK. Marnia has a way of defusing anger, pain etc. She's clarified my frustrations a bit. That's all good.
I still need to continue to keep working on me.
I am off to a gaming convention. Something that I love and no one else in my life thinks is fun/cool/etc. I play one board game, Diplomacy, and it satisfies my need to think deeply about nothing important for at least a few weeks!
Today was much better than the past 3 days. I have not slipped today. I am keeping busy and that helps.
I feel like Yoseminte Sam right now.
I am sick of being ignored and trying to be nice/cordial.
I don't really have animosity and maybe I am just trying to find a way to make this split easier on me.
But today I have 2 things stuck in my head.
1 - I was drinking too much when we got married. I kicked that and she supported me - didn't respect it but was OK.
When she first saw me watching porn she got mad. Later she did again. I tried to talk with her and tell her I had a problem with it.
Still slipping. Earlier today but not tonight. I got busy tonight and kept my mind off it.
I feel more determined. Like I did when I first started back in Oct. That seems so long ago but it was only 6 weeks!
Oh well. I think this is a minor set back.
I don't consider my looking a total failure - back to square 1 type lapse. I consider it a slip. I did not masturbate or even have the urge to so I am making huge progress.
So I feel like I am back on the path.
Going to bed.
The internet is dangerous for me again.
My fingers did the walking.
But I turned it off.
I need to get back on top.
Off to bed early. I think I need to catch up. See if that helps.
Amazing how hard it is to right a ship that is listing to one side.
I can do this!
Good night all.
Today has been ok. Very busy. Very tired.
I am trying a new tactic at least for the next few days. Before I go on the internet at night, I will log in and put up a short post. This will remind me of my commitment to myself. I will come back at night before going to bed as a check in. That will keep me focused on my danger/alone time in between.
I feel better and more confident. Today was not marital hell - I worked, she worked, and we passed on her way to work. So all is well.
That's it for now. I'll check in a bit later.
I am swimming in some muck, walking through the mud. Ever walk through a creek and almost get your boot pulled off from the mud? That is where i am.
My life is in a downward spiral out of my control. My wife is leaving me (or more aptly, she is dumping me and I am leaving her as I am moving out.) I can do nothing to stop it. We both agree that if we are to get any perspective, we need to be away from each other. Then who knows.
It is bleeding me dry. My heart is so broken.
not where i was that is for sure. I was doing pretty well there with 4 weeks porn free (not exactly without orgasm via dating, but) and then i came across by accident a file that was in my trash bin and opened it to see it. in a flash, i let the gates open and ended up masturbating to porn on a binge. the pain and despair i caused was so intense, that i found myself doing it again the next night and the next....trying to keep feelings of lonliness and shame a bay with the very activity that creates more isolation and shame! lol....we addicts ain't too bright, huh..lol