I used to look at porn frequently since I was 10 years old (after finding my dad's videos) and since 2004, i haven't indulged - nor have I felt the helpless state of not being able to control myself. However, when it comes to masturbation, it's a different story. These last three weeks have been horrible in this regard. I feel weak and shameful that i find myself so addicted to this self-soothing strategy.

Today we turned the page on our relationship. We talked to they boys. They took it very well, asked some decent questions, and understood that we love them and will be a family even if a different shape. I could not have scripted it to go any better.
As horrible as it is to break up a family, or change it, getting the conversation over is freeing. I have been carrying a heavy yoke. I've known it and have been looking forward to it being lifted.

Many thanks for Jorgen (indirectly as it was a suggestion in someone else's post) but I have been really committing to a lecture series on working with the mind and creating new paradigms while shedding old beliefs. The website has lots of great articles and mp3 and the best thing is, its really just common sense and sound practical advice, nothing esoteric or mystical. Listening at night before bed and doing the exercises throughout the day is a real help. I started slipping pretty bad there, but was able to turn it around. Thanks Jorgen for that!

Amanju has opened a lot for me. Thanks for your support and your leads to wisdom. I will have to look into it more and not be so resistant. I am in survival mode in a lot of parts of my life, some of it is my ego that needs to go. Some of it is just straight out getting through this low patch so I can see and think more clearly - get the muck off my soul.

Where is my spirituality in all of this? I have never been a big practicer of spiritual practices or faith development. I feel there is a God that is evident in so many ways. I don't interact directly (through prayer) for myself as I think it is vain to think there is someone up there who is going to respond to our wishes and needs directly.