Been working some serious overtime lately but, somehow, despite the urge to numb out to the stress and worry with porn, i haven't. It's been about 3 weeks. That isn't to say i haven't orgasmed since i have, but it was with a partner and it was slow and conscious. I think it makes sense to deal with these issue in order or porn (1) and then (2) sacred sex. For me, i think there needs to be some levels of competence and progression if this will work in the long run. It's cool some people can do them at once.
I haven't had much action recently so don't have much to report on that end . . . but since it is all a continuum, thought I'd share some insights I've had recently around ecstacy and joy and abandon.
Greetings all -
In another thread I recently decided to share my journey with my addiction to image-perfecting, an addiction that I feel is prevalent in women in this culture, is the converse side of porn addiction, and which basically undermines women's abilities to live comfortably in and share their true essence and womanhood.
I have been working at home the last few weeks and the amount of time spent alone has been really excrutiating at times and has made the porn addiction even harder to deal with. It seems boredom, loneliness, fear of future..all these things can make porn seem so inviting and wipe away uncomfortable feelings, going numb using fantasy and sexual images. But I also know that the aftermath is depression and despair, so i have been not indulging. Having the previous structure of working full time in the office didn't give me as many chances or freedom to do what i want during the day.
For most of the past week, it was like I was stuck up, immobilized, in this small egg, an other world, comprising solely of hopeless worries about when I'm ever going to get out of all this crap, this trap. It was like an unending battle against this huge strong wall that had been built up, these big chains that I'm tied to, that I somehow can't break and be free.
REASONS WHY I SEEK PERMANENT CHANGE IN MY LIFE TOWARDS BRAHMACHARYA
1. I become conscious, truthful and self-controlled with intellect and conscience as my clear guide.
2. I follow the path of celibacy and live an intellectual life of strength, power and freedom. I overcome ignorance and laziness and follow the path of the Light of Virtue.
3. I become peaceful, fearless, courageous, and strongly motivated by intellectual reasons.
4. I gain balance and coherence in my life. I gain physical, emotional, mental and spiritual strength and power.
I've been here since the past 7 weeks, and although I've not posted enough to actually contribute to the site, I would like to know your thoughts and feelings about me and my recovery process.
4:24 PM 9/27/2007
I've returned home to New Mexico for a two week vacation and have had a lot of time to reflect on my most recent casual sex encounters. It's become really clear to me that they basically undermine and damage my trust in men and my greater desire to have deeper and more meaningful sexual interactions with men. I don't have much of a history of casual sex (maybe four or five times in my life). My few recent experiences with it have been gratifying in the short-term (in the moment of sex itself), but have left me with a sickening feeling afterwards.
In the past few days, I've noticed that I've come to be slightly more conscious of myself and how the environment affects me. It's really difficult to grow towards self-consciousness -- to be fully aware and honest -- really difficult. I can only say I've taken a tiny little step, but I'm glad it's in the right direction.