I've returned home to New Mexico for a two week vacation and have had a lot of time to reflect on my most recent casual sex encounters. It's become really clear to me that they basically undermine and damage my trust in men and my greater desire to have deeper and more meaningful sexual interactions with men. I don't have much of a history of casual sex (maybe four or five times in my life). My few recent experiences with it have been gratifying in the short-term (in the moment of sex itself), but have left me with a sickening feeling afterwards.
In the past few days, I've noticed that I've come to be slightly more conscious of myself and how the environment affects me. It's really difficult to grow towards self-consciousness -- to be fully aware and honest -- really difficult. I can only say I've taken a tiny little step, but I'm glad it's in the right direction.
I spent 3 consecutive days masturbating after making it almost 2 weeks without. I felt suicidal, nervous, and just wanted to end everything. I try so hard to just let things be, and thank goodness i didn't do anything to hurt myself even though the feelings were strong. I even thought of ways i could just end my life. It gets to me hard especially after this beautiful woman told me it wouldn't work out between us. I understand she was way older and was going through a lot, but still, i don't think she went with her feelings and instead listened to others advice.
I'm back, after recent painful events I've gone back to masturbation. I met someone on Dharma Match, we liked each other, but she decided not to get involved. Instead she said she'd like to remain friends. That was 3 days ago after about 1 week of talking and having met her. I felt hurt and still do.
With a lot of saving, I was able to buy this book: Power vs Force by David Hawkins. It presents a linear hierarchy the levels of human consciousness. From low to high, the levels of consciousness are: shame, guilt, apathy, grief, fear, desire, anger, pride, courage, neutrality, willingness, acceptance, reason, love, joy, peace, enlightenment. No one really is stuck in one level, they shift through 3-4 levels throughout the week. What's important to note is which level you shift to when you're feeling pressurized or stressed.
i dont know what to do at this point. I have been trying all the different approaches to deal with being stimulated by the sight of beautiful women in my viewline, and they work, but at some point, its just too much and i either end up masturbating or having addicitve/objectify-ish sex with a girl. The 'be thankful to the universe for being witness to their beauty' and 'look, feel, move on' and '3rd person observer' approaches i mentioned before are good but only for so long.
During the last 3 days of abstinence, there was virtually no reminding of the benefits of abstinence and the positive programming, I just left it on auto-pilot, mainly because I was so busy meeting relatives and other small things to do. Here's what I was writing today. I've censored it, so it won't catch the wrong kind of attention, but not too much because it has to convey what I felt.
12:16 PM 9/16/2007
Alright now I have some urges coming on and I'm almost on the verge of beginning to see porn... THIS is the moment that I get caught on everytime.
Three things stand out for us at the moment.
The first is our adoption of daily choices. By this, I mean each day's affectionate activity 'belongs' to one or other of us. Taking it in turns, we decide and initiate what we would like to do, when, and for how long. This could mean passionate sex in the afternoon, or a slow cuddle in the evening. The important part is that neither one of us has a monopoly over deciding, and initiating, what we do. This has been extraordinarily helpful.
I have decided to have an Anthem for My Recovery Process, which I will hear and keep in mind every day. The song I found suits the purpose in both lyrics and sound. If you hear it, you'll notice that the first half of the song is fully rajasic (loud metal). The next half is traditional Indian music with an electric guitar as background and it gives a very sattvic effect. So, it's ideal for a person who wishes to get out of the tamasic state of mind.
For the last four days, I got up at 5:30AM, took a cold shower, did exercise and began work. Today I managed to do the same too. But today I did not stay abstinent, and I was procrastinating all the time while "doing work". Again, I watched porn, ended up masturbating to ejaculation.