I fell off from the recovery process on 26th of August, reaching 24 days of abstinence (my highest yet). But, on the 30th, I fell again, after spending two solid days of purity. I had strictly controlled diet and also did exercise. On the 29th, I had a massive dinner of nothing but pizza, and I woke up the next morning feeling demotivated. I couldn't get myself to exercise (procrastinating it to later in the evening), nor was I able to maintain my diet. By afternoon, I was having a lot of anxiety and getting stressed.
I said I would take a little fast from the forum until I finished reading Marnia's book. I read it in one day, really fascinating stuff. It's a book worth owning and I look forward to reading parts of it again. For any of you who haven't raed it I really reccomend it, even though this website provides a lot of the science.
Hey everyone. First off, much kudos to all those here trying sooo hard to change unhealthy old habits. I think it might be one of hardest things there is. My support to those of us here in the struggle. Keep at it!
Perhaps this day had to come. Today, I ended up watching porn a straight hour and masturbating to ejaculation.
Last light, like many other a weekend night, I found myself sitting in my room, wanting to go out and socialize since i had stayed at home in the evenings most of the week. After calling a few friends (who all had plans it turned out), i started my usual follow up thinking "oh everone is out having fun, poor me, sitting home alone on a Sat night" kind of helpless, victim-ish. Its THAT time that I usually reach for porn or some sex distraction. I read through some journaling I had done where I found a list of activites i could do when alone.
I've been trying to clarify whether our sex life is 'loving' or whether it is predominantly lustful. I think of all the activities I do with my wife because she's my wife – I eat with her, sit and read with her, go for bike rides with her; we drive around together, visit friends and places as one. I could do all these things with other people, but I don't, because I'm not committed to being with them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy their company; but I wouldn't enjoy it in the same way I enjoy my wife's company.
I've been thinking about potency a lot recently - male and female, but mostly potency in males. I asked my lover what made him feel potent. He said: making people laugh, being witty in conversation, and dancing. I also asked him what nourishes him. He said laughter. Maybe people need nourishment in order to feel potent. And maybe they look too often to sex to get nourishment and to feel potent.
Tomorrow is Day 21 of abstinence for me. This is so awesome, I can hardly believe that I actually have come so far. I love the way I am viewing females and the world of sexuality currently, it just matches well with my original intentions.
Morning everyone :)
Haven't used porn or casual sex in about 3 weeks now. Feeling good about that and feel confident i can continue, at least i feel that way today.
Hey all.. :)
Read this in some sexual addiction literature and strongly identified with it. It describes a certain type of sex addict
Craving/seeking: Validation, Erotic highs. distraction, One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds
Attracted to: “Hot” people for validation, Stable others who will care for them
Impersonal sex: Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships.