Last light, like many other a weekend night, I found myself sitting in my room, wanting to go out and socialize since i had stayed at home in the evenings most of the week. After calling a few friends (who all had plans it turned out), i started my usual follow up thinking "oh everone is out having fun, poor me, sitting home alone on a Sat night" kind of helpless, victim-ish. Its THAT time that I usually reach for porn or some sex distraction. I read through some journaling I had done where I found a list of activites i could do when alone.
I've been trying to clarify whether our sex life is 'loving' or whether it is predominantly lustful. I think of all the activities I do with my wife because she's my wife – I eat with her, sit and read with her, go for bike rides with her; we drive around together, visit friends and places as one. I could do all these things with other people, but I don't, because I'm not committed to being with them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy their company; but I wouldn't enjoy it in the same way I enjoy my wife's company.
I've been thinking about potency a lot recently - male and female, but mostly potency in males. I asked my lover what made him feel potent. He said: making people laugh, being witty in conversation, and dancing. I also asked him what nourishes him. He said laughter. Maybe people need nourishment in order to feel potent. And maybe they look too often to sex to get nourishment and to feel potent.
Tomorrow is Day 21 of abstinence for me. This is so awesome, I can hardly believe that I actually have come so far. I love the way I am viewing females and the world of sexuality currently, it just matches well with my original intentions.
Morning everyone :)
Haven't used porn or casual sex in about 3 weeks now. Feeling good about that and feel confident i can continue, at least i feel that way today.
Hey all.. :)
Read this in some sexual addiction literature and strongly identified with it. It describes a certain type of sex addict
Craving/seeking: Validation, Erotic highs. distraction, One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds
Attracted to: “Hot” people for validation, Stable others who will care for them
Impersonal sex: Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships.
A WHILE AGO
We made love as we had done the previous few times, with great pleasure but containing our excitement. On the allotted time, I felt sated, and said to my wife that maybe it would be good to stop. She muttered something about carrying on for a short while, just in case she climaxed. Clearly, she had forgotten our prior agreement. So, too, had I, as I watched the 'considerate lover' in me leap into action, assuring her of an orgasm while also indulging in my own.
I guess the one good point is that I was ready to stop earlier.
Since I've been experimenting with withholding of orgasm, I seem to be attracting a number of men who are also interested in exploring this form of lovemaking.
I was thinking lately as to what might have gone wrong in my recovery process to let me be tempted more than twice. I hope someone can kindly answer (or link to answers of) the following questions.
Although I've declared counting number of days to be "unofficial", today is the 15th day of abstinence. I've got control over my actions -- I can refrain from masturbating/ejaculating -- but I don't have control over my thoughts. I currently have the self-control to not fantasize, but somehow if I notice a woman in a magazine or on the street, I somehow feel so attracted that traces of guilt and shame emerge. I look at the woman, trying to remove the attraction mechanism inside me.