Welcome to The Light of Virtue, my blog regarding my recovery process from being a masturbation/pornography addict to a virtuous Stoic. I will introduce myself briefly here to give you an idea of my belief system.
In this blog, I will be commenting on some of my favorite spiritual texts.
I am not a spiritual person. I would like to become one.
I don't know much. To tell the truth, in terms of spirituality, I know almost nothing. I would like to sort out my beliefs from my knowledge.
I have read a lot; I have heard much; but I have experienced very little; I have made very little progress since I started out on my spiritual journey (a long, long time ago).
So I would like to read and truly understand some sacred texts. I would like to truly experience what they say.
Still riding the coaster. Quiting an addiction seems to be the hardest thing in the world and yet the easiest in another sense. I encourage the younger male members of the site to really listen to the stories here of men and look at and he results of years and years of addictive behavior. Beware it's effects on the mind and the impediment for general peace and happiness that can result. Not from a standpoint of sin, or any such nonsense, but from the scientific point of ruining your brain, and the spiritual one of distancing your from your Spirit, your humanity.
I'm beginning to think there is a very real correlate between habitual behavior and stress, as I have begun to see that almost all of my habits are done directly after a supposedly minor stress (which I am usually not even aware of), rather than for the actual pleasure or satisfaction that activity may bring.
I'm constantly surprised at how much my sexuality can change and unfold without a lover. The most exciting developments in my meditative self-loving experiment have been 1) the discovery of the correlation between deep breathing and electrical charge throughout my body 2) how unnecessary orgasm is for sexual fulfillment, and 3) the rediscovery of my spine as a dynamic, rhythmic electrical channel.
if nothing else, I commit to honesty here in my blog and to whoever is bored enough to read it :)
I had a major setback over the weekend and am really starting to question my commitment to really changing in regards to the misuse of my sexuality. I don't want to laden it too much with guilt since i know that is useless, but I can't help feeling so let down that I the decisions I made were ones of least resistance and not beneficial to longer-term goals.
I recently read a book by a British survivor of the Burmese Death Railway. He tells a harrowing account of how a ragged group of half starved, emaciated Allied survivors were being marched from one wretched camp to another by Japanese guards who beat them, occasionally to their deaths, if they flagged.
I was asking myself recently what I want from sex. There seem to be three things. First and foremost, it's to quell an itch, or satisfy a hunger. There's a very basic need in me that rises to the surface and asks to be met. This is appeased by any sexual activity; but it keeps on rearing its head until, traditionally, orgasm occurs. Secondly, there's a desire for what I call sexual trance. That's a state that I recognise primarily through a complete absence of thought.
as I wrote a few days ago, i made one week (again) and then had an orgasm party over weekend..no porn but still had conventional sex a few times. Funny this is always on Sunday and my Monday blues I always attributed to work but maybe its not work. hmmm...Anyway, the same feelings the next few days are present - feel down, depressed, disconntected from others, VERY lethargic, sleepy, no energy..etc. So, I know this is a Dopamine drop and Seratonin too (i think) from the orgasms. Now I am trying to figure out what i can do the balance things in my brain a bit.