I did it, i got up the courage and left my job to find a situation that suits my skills better and is a healthier environment. This has been some ordeal. But despite all the stress and sleepless nights over the past year, I also learned that I can handle a hell of a lot without breaking.
I don't know why I have to be the one with the bad news in here all the time, but I really am in need of feedback.
Today I'm not writing about sexual addiction per se, but it seems evident by the types of situations I am dealing with and the accompanying feelings/thoughts, I can see some of the ways these personality/character traits manifest in sex addiction.
As i wrote some days ago, this has been THE longest job-leaving experience of my life. Even its a bad company, toxic environment (warm sigh..sounds like home), I still find all these feelings come up such as..
-fear of disappointing/letting others down
-fear of others potential anger
I often used to be uneasy in the past as to why I wanted to have sex. I suspected a lot of the time it was more because I hadn't had any for a while than because I actually wanted it. I could almost hear my internal voice suddenly chipping in with, "Hey, if you don't get it together soon, you won't be keeping up with the national average ... just imagine what that says about you as a man!"
Other times, I would simply be bored, and find myself thinking, "Hey, we could have sex, with an explosive orgasm ... think how nice that would be."
I fell off from the recovery process on 26th of August, reaching 24 days of abstinence (my highest yet). But, on the 30th, I fell again, after spending two solid days of purity. I had strictly controlled diet and also did exercise. On the 29th, I had a massive dinner of nothing but pizza, and I woke up the next morning feeling demotivated. I couldn't get myself to exercise (procrastinating it to later in the evening), nor was I able to maintain my diet. By afternoon, I was having a lot of anxiety and getting stressed.
I said I would take a little fast from the forum until I finished reading Marnia's book. I read it in one day, really fascinating stuff. It's a book worth owning and I look forward to reading parts of it again. For any of you who haven't raed it I really reccomend it, even though this website provides a lot of the science.
Hey everyone. First off, much kudos to all those here trying sooo hard to change unhealthy old habits. I think it might be one of hardest things there is. My support to those of us here in the struggle. Keep at it!
Perhaps this day had to come. Today, I ended up watching porn a straight hour and masturbating to ejaculation.
Last light, like many other a weekend night, I found myself sitting in my room, wanting to go out and socialize since i had stayed at home in the evenings most of the week. After calling a few friends (who all had plans it turned out), i started my usual follow up thinking "oh everone is out having fun, poor me, sitting home alone on a Sat night" kind of helpless, victim-ish. Its THAT time that I usually reach for porn or some sex distraction. I read through some journaling I had done where I found a list of activites i could do when alone.
I've been trying to clarify whether our sex life is 'loving' or whether it is predominantly lustful. I think of all the activities I do with my wife because she's my wife – I eat with her, sit and read with her, go for bike rides with her; we drive around together, visit friends and places as one. I could do all these things with other people, but I don't, because I'm not committed to being with them. That doesn't mean I wouldn't enjoy their company; but I wouldn't enjoy it in the same way I enjoy my wife's company.