Since I've been experimenting with withholding of orgasm, I seem to be attracting a number of men who are also interested in exploring this form of lovemaking.
I was thinking lately as to what might have gone wrong in my recovery process to let me be tempted more than twice. I hope someone can kindly answer (or link to answers of) the following questions.
Although I've declared counting number of days to be "unofficial", today is the 15th day of abstinence. I've got control over my actions -- I can refrain from masturbating/ejaculating -- but I don't have control over my thoughts. I currently have the self-control to not fantasize, but somehow if I notice a woman in a magazine or on the street, I somehow feel so attracted that traces of guilt and shame emerge. I look at the woman, trying to remove the attraction mechanism inside me.
Not really looking for answers today, just felt like writing, even just to myself :)
Been in a good pattern lately (which is not by accident) so wanted to list out the things that are helping.
On the 10th and 11th day of my abstinence, at night, with my room's door locked and me alone sitting at the computer, I was tempted. I ended up seeing lingerie ads and getting sexually stimulated (ended up having some pre-ejaculate, so that was a high).
I am noticing when I add compassion (heart) to aid in the struggle in quiting porn and ceasing to use women for sexual pleasure only (or dopamine hits or self esteem boost, or whatever) its of great benefit. Compassion mostly for the person who I am about the objectify, the person who I know wants more than just sex, but might do it in hopes of it becoming more when I know there is no relationship wanted on my end.
Today is the 9th day of abstinence, and somehow the enthusiasm I had for going to straight 30 days of abstinence minimum is fading. Of course, initially I started out thinking that I will *never* surrender to the temptation but a few days later I compromised it to "30 days first, and other plans later". At this moment, I am undergoing temptation to watch pornography, and well it is quite a temptation. The whole hormonal sexual system just fires up in times of stress like this (although today's Sunday, I have a lot of pending assignments) and just shuts down the rational mind completely.
According to me, gaining self-control consists of controlling the senses and the mind. The foremost step towards self-control is to be conscious (aware of the self) -- being conscious is the gateway to all freedom -- be your Self, not yourself.
Overcoming addiction is a very high priority goal of a Stoic, because the primary signature of a Stoic is the lack of desire (which breeds attachment), motivated instead by goodness/righteousness. Overcoming any type of addiction requires knowledge, time, effort, and commitment to a high degree (quantitatively and qualitatively). Initially one is required to explore clearly one's beliefs (examining their cause and how they affect one's perception) and align them according to nature's laws, among which is virtue -- the standard of ultimate glory and freedom.